OP- If I were you once this thread seems complete I'd print in out and tuck it away until your kids are teenagers and then re-read everything. It seems to me that the teenage years are the most formative in determining the quality of an adult child-parent relationship. It can be so tricky to figure out the best way to still provide parental guidance while also allowing your DC to form their own identity and have freedom to make their own choices. The times when my relationship with my mom has struggled are when she has still tried to "parent" me too much as I got older into adulthood. When children are young they need a parent but I would guess that most good adult child-parent relationships function more like a friendship built on mutual respect.
Happy 4th!

Our kids are ages 17-24, and we are very fortunate to have strong relationships with each of them, as they do with one another. They are kind, adventurous and fun-loving young people. Each is setting off into the world with faith, a good work ethic, a desire to give back and a strong moral compass. I could tell you some of the things I think we did right -- e.g., went to church, went to their games and recitals, worked on service projects together, and I could tell you some of the things that are often recommended and that I wish we had done, but didn't -- had a lot of family traditions, had dinner together more often. I'm not sure any of that would really matter, though. Much more important, I think, is that we managed to not get caught up in the anxious, competitive parenting games around us, and that DH and I prayed for patience, humor and for help remembering that we don't possess our children, but are simply here to help guide them until they come into their own. Watching them grow into young adults is like reading the greatest novel I'll never get to finish. Knock yourself out, OP -- don't worry too much and have fun along the way.

I am an only child and have always had a great relationship with my parents. With my mom I always felt that I could talk to her. She would never get mad, or judge and I'd always say "nothing shocked her" so I felt able to go to her about anything. Looking back now, I'm sure things did shock her at t imes but she handled it all well - like a rock. I am 36 and still do this. I call her on my drive to work every single day. Becuase she was so easy to talk to, I never had to lie to my parents. This kept things open and positive. Nowadays she is not as strong anymore, and has severe medical issues the last few years and I am happy to repay her by being her rock the best I can now. I never had to lie to her, so I didn't.

Anonymous wrote:* Listen

* Be human and share your stories of triumph but also struggle and failure

* Listen

* Love and hug

* Provide unconditional love by telling and showing them that you love them no matter what

* Set boundaries so they know how to treat people (including you) *and* know how others should treat them

* Set them up for success, which might often mean not that you set the bar low so that they "win" but rather tell them that winning really isn't always the most important thing--rather there is great value in trying hard, struggling, and sometimes not making it

* Treat them with respect--their interests, their desires, their questions

* Have fun

This is quite lovely. I like the juxtaposition of unconditional love and setting boundaries. You let them know what the rules are (and enforce them!) but also let them know everyone makes mistakes - including yourself.

Praise the effort, not the outcome - and don't always praise the outcome if it didn't take much effort to achieve. Kids are smart and they know when they've done something good, and when they're just reaping idle praise.

Catch them being good. This might be the best thing DW and I ever did. We notice when they are kind to each other, or help out around the house without being asked, or sit through a long and tiresome family commitment with exemplary behavior. And then we let them know we saw what they did, and that we appreciate it. If we're going to call them out every time they do something wrong, we can certainly let them know when we see them doing something right.

Finally, demonstrate through your actions that they can count on you. I've told my teen S over and over that when he really screws up, that's the time he's least going to want to tell me what's happened, and that's exactly when I can be of the greatest help. Fortunately, he hasn't really screwed up too much yet, but there have been a couple of bumps that he's come to me about, haltingly. In both cases, I held down my natural inclination to yell "You did what!?" and instead thanked him for sharing the information with me, and then got to work with him on finding a solution. It's deepened our trust and mutual respect (and, I believe, love) and made it more likely he'll come to me in the future if/when he truly gets in a jam.

While my parents were good parents in many ways, I am not close with them emotionally. I speak to my mom once a week but not about anything of importance. I've thought about this a lot now that I have a 7mo. My thoughts:

My parents felt they didn't need to earn my respect. Unfortunately, one can force obedience to a large extent, but you can't force respect. Looking back I should have been more respectful of them for all the things they did for me, but what I'm referring to is respect as a human - with opinions, with valid feelings, etc.

I'm not sure my mom ever apologized, even once. Either she truly believes or wanted to project on us so that we would believe that if mom did it, that makes it right. Doesn't matter if experts or the mainstream doesn't approve.

The corollary to that, and something I've only been able to put into words recently (with a good therapist!) is that whatever was ever wrong between me and my mom must have been my fault, if my mom saw herself as infallible.

In fact, my mom used to tell me that as am infant, I was fussy and didn't wanto to be held by her. My therapist was like - you see that she's projecting her stuff on to you, right? Babies want to be held by their moms unless mom is going though stuff and can't provide comfort. Never thought of if that way!

And finally, my mom was a terrible listener and was very judge mental

So these are the things I will keep in mind.

Here's what I know. My parents loved me because of who I was and what I did. My in-laws loved me because I was, and even sometimes in spite of what I did. I had a closer relationship with my husband's family than with my own.

There is some good advice on this thread.

My son is 12 and we just had a long sit down talk a few months ago after I found out that he kept something from me. I told him that our relationship won't work if he doesn't trust me enough to be honest & upfront. Any rules that we have set as a family are there to keep him safe. However, when things do go wrong, when he does make poor choices, I can only help him if he is upfront. I'm not his parent so that I can control his life and decisions, but rather to help him through tough spots, heartbreaks and wrong turns. We have to work through things together and bad news doesn't get better with time.

I can't tell you how much this helped him. Our relationship is stronger and he has opened up to me. It's very refreshing.

On the flip side of this I am completely honest with him. If he has any questions I am open and honest. I really try to listen to what he is saying and only offer advice or help as needed. This is his life, not mine. His choices are his, not mine.

I am the PP with five adult children.

One thing I would add which I think makes a lot of difference is that our children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are there for them come hell or high water.

We never even mention it to them ....... but they know this to be a fact.

As someone who doesn't have a great relationship with her parents, I agree with the "you have to let them go and trust them to make good decisions and don't judge if they make decisions differently from what you would do" thoughts.

"For the parents who have older children and have advocated honesty (PP for example), I have a question: how open were you about your own, grown-up problems? Financial worries that affect family life, personal problems that affect your patience, etc."

Especially with a child who has anxiety, you don't want to be sharing adult concerns with her - that can exacerbate or even cause the anxiety. Don't treat her like a friend and don't share your problems with her. She needs to know that you are in control and in charge of your lives. If you need to say no to buying something, leave it at "that's not in the budget right now." If you need to apologize because you've overreacted due to other stressors (which is the right thing to do), just say "I'm sorry, mommy is worried about other things."

This thread should be pinned as a stickie.

I haven't had a chance to read through everyone's suggestions yet (I will but I'm racing against wake ups of my 2 DC's right now).

Anyway, I complete get your question, OP. I have the same situation. For me it's about looking deeply at what it is that turned me off from being close to my parents and trying to figure out how I avoid falling into that trap. I was raised by a single mom (dad had us in summer and christmas) and she ruled with an iron fist to keep us in line. Her's was about fear - you'd get the wooden spoon or a belt if you acted up. I want my children to never ever fear me. It's so hard because some days I hear myself yelling at them and I catch myself because I feel like I could fall into her way of "parenting." The list could go on and on with the tactics she used which I won't depress you with - but all to say I am completely aware and eyes wide open on what I don't want to do with raising my two. And I do a ton of reading on ways to foster a healthy and respectful relationship. It's surely not easy when you're in the day to day grind but you just try to make the next day a better day and put thought into how you approach things, verses just reacting. At least that's how I'm approaching it.

I'm coming at this from what I suspect is a similar place as you OP, but my corollary to the advice to "listen" is "don't judge". After a pretty bad relationship through most of my childhood, teenage, and college years; in some ways my relationship to my parents is the best it's ever been. I do actually willingly pick up the phone to call them. But it's typically with a bit of ambivalence, since I don't know the reaction I'm going to get when I tell them something. My parents just have an impossible time not letting you know exactly what they think of decisions you've made/what you're doing/how you're doing it etc.

Your kids are so tied up in your own self-worth that I do understand what starts the spiral, but this is the one area that I've almost been training myself to be prepared for when my child(ren; currently we have an only infant) get older. I have hopes and aspirations for her and what I believe giving her the best start in life will entail, but she may not agree with or want any of it. And I'm going to have to trust myself enough to raise a good human being to be able to trust that whatever path she decides to take in life is the "right" one for her. I think this is what my parents never really got...and ultimately probably led to my making less than ideal decisions. They didn't trust me regardless, so why should I behave responsibly?

DH and I are close to my parents but not to his. He'd had a growing lack of respect for them since childhood when they did many things to overrule DH's sensitive opinions (generally, not listening to him, ever), but they clinched their forever-at-arm's-length status when we got engaged by opposing us every step of the way. We were (very) young, but are still happily married three kids and fifteen years later.

My parents clearly had reservations about 20 year olds getting married, but treated us like humans, not stereotypes of dumb, impulsive teens. So I echo PPs who say listen and respect your kids. Ours are still young, but we hope to treat them with kindness all the way through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the parents who have older children and have advocated honesty (PP for example), I have a question: how open were you about your own, grown-up problems? Financial worries that affect family life, personal problems that affect your patience, etc.

With my older DD, I've:
answered briefly but honestly
only discussed it if she asked me
always closed with reassurance that I was on top of the problem and that minimizing the impact on her and her sister was a priority

Did you dictate your expectations of her? Would you call it that? I am curious.

thank you, pp, for answering. how old is your older dd? mine isn't asking questions but is very sensitive and can sense when there is tension. i don't want her to worry that it's her fault. but i don't know how to mask my own anxiety.