Reply to Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I'll offer my thoughts on the chance they may be useful to you although I haven't experienced infertility, so I apologize in advance if what I say is insensitive or wildly off the mark. I have suffered other major life traumas or disappointments (for lack of a better description) while surrounded by others who haven't, so extrapolating from there  and probably explaining myself poorly. . . I have found that some things are better dealt with by plowing into them rather than avoiding them.

[b]Maybe not immediately, but perhaps you might find some long term comfort in embracing a fierce role in the lives of your friends' or family's children.[/b]  I mean more than just being that special auntie that brings a gift when she visits, but really being a pillar in a child's life.  Ask about them, spend special one on one time with them, attend their events, be the one they turn to for advice when they're too embarrassed to talk to their own parents.

When you take the initiative to forge a relationship, it forces you outside of thinking about what you need or want or lack and makes you think, generously, of someone else.  I find generally that when I hurt, I feel best when I do something good for others.  It sounds facile, but it feeds my ego.  Instead of thinking, "Why do bad things happen to me?  What's wrong with me?  What did I do wrong? Why is life so unfair?  I deserve better!"  I think, "Look what a good person I am.  Look how kind I am. Look how useful and necessary I am.  Look what I have to offer!"  It brings out my better self and gives me a sense of power in my life when I'm feeling like life has had its way with me.

It sounds so trite, now that I've written it, so maybe this is all stupid advice.  But I really think you can only distract yourself from pain for so long.  If you can find a way to embrace it, you might be able to transform it, at least a little, into something you can live with more easily.  At least, this has been my experience.

In any case, OP, I hope you find your way to a better place.  Best wishes.[/quote]

I really hate when people suggest this.  It doesn't work.  Because guess what, parents tend to get very weird when other people (even friends and family) try to have a "fierce" role in their children's lives.

People say this all of the time in extolling the virtues of a child-free life ("Oh, but I can be the really involved auntie!!!"), but the truth of the matter is that you really don't have a lot of control over that.  You can try to have a relationship with other people's children, but the extent of that relationship is really going to be determined by their parents.  And my experience is that most parents will let you get their children gifts, maybe babysit once in a while, but that is where the buck stops.  Anything really serious or meaningful is their domain.

That's why I really wouldn't bank on this approach as being the thing that helps you come to terms with a child-less/child-free life.  You can't assume other people are going to essentially let you co-parent their children.  Again, they'll let you buy gifts and dote on them.  But that's usually the extent of it.[/quote]

PP here.  I appreciate your response.  Part of my comment was prompted by the frequent expression on these boards of needing to avoid pregnant friends/people with children because it's so painful.  It's heartbreaking because it seems like you're doubly cheated then-- of a child and then of your other relationships.  OP said herself that it feels fake to engage in a lot of activities meant to distract from the pain of infertility and asked for alternative ways to cope.  I simply wanted to offer some thoughts on the counter approach.

I'm sure what you say about other parents' reaction is frequently true, and I didn't mean to gloss over the potential difficulty of it.  I should have expressed more thoughtfully how it might come about, but an obvious prerequisite is having friends or family with whom you have a close, trusting relationship and share similar values.  In my experience, many people are indeed open to-- and often crave-- someone else bonding strongly with their child.  For our family, my son's godfather is that person.  He's a single guy, my husband's closest friend.  We love him, respect, would trust our children's lives with him.  He's often with us on or around holidays (he has his own extended family), always for birthday celebrations.  He attends my child's school as the honored invitee on grandparent's day where they read and do a project together, have lunch, watch the class presentations.  My husband and I both have wonderful extended family and siblings we are close to but they live far away.  DS's godfather fills a void in our lives and we are blessed to have him.  I see similar dynamics among friends' families in DC, as so many of us moved away from our hometowns and families of origin.

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