Reply to Ways to make life move forward when everyone else is having babies and you aren't and probably won't

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like you aren't quite decided what you want to do? If you are certain you won't have kids through any means (including DE/adoption), than it is time to really get to work on mourning and grieving the life you didn't have, perhaps through therapy, meditation, whatever works for you. If there is still a seed of hope or eally stubborn streak to keep trying (like I had), then I'd just go for broke and do everything you can to make it happen before you really commit to letting go of that. It's hard to grieve/let go until you've tried *everything*. At least that's how I work![/quote]

I respectfully have to disagree with part of your advice.  It's not always the right thing to "go for broke" and leave nothing on the table.  Wiping yourself out (financially, emotionally) isn't healthy,  no matter what the ultimate outcome of your infertility crisis.  Part of this is, of course,  you have the option to reclaim your life before infertility destroys it.

[b]One of the things I needed time (like 1-2 years) after choosing to stop infertility treatment was grappling with how much it had destroyed my world view,  my relationships with friends and family,  the strain it put on my marriage,  my body image.  I think that even if we had had kids, I still would have needed to deal with all those feelings. it doesn't magically disappear once a baby lands in your arms.  It's simmering underneath.[/b]

My point is that if you won't stop until you have nothing left, what have you gained? [/quote]

+100 I DID go for broke, literally. We went from being a popular couple to being ... just farther away from everyone. We finally did succeed and have a baby, but there were issues, with us, not the baby. After all of that we had little perspective on the baby -- we thought everyone should understand how very special OUR baby was, without realizing that everyone felt that way naturally about their own baby.
We were not casual about anything -- so we were overprotective. We had gotten into the habit of "pushing" for everything b/c we had to push so hard for the baby. We hated being broke and that was new for us. Did not adjust well to that. While we were paying for infertility our friends were all buying better real estate.
It broke us down a bit mentally -- lost a lot of self confidence. We had after effects of the treatments which were significant -- way too many treatments. Too much estrogen is not good for you.
Yes it simmered underneath. It took about 6-7 years to get over it, and be normal. We are still a bit blank emotionally -- all those m/c really took it out of both of us. Me the most.
I knew that I had completely lost it when one of my friends had oops twins, and I thought she might consider giving me one. OK I was crazy.
It was hard to grasp that parenting BEGAN with the baby, not with our infertility. So I would say, know your limits and do not exceed them. Best of luck to everyone trying.[/quote]

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