Reply to I've never met my real father & I resent my mom for it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did.  He does not sound like a stable person.  A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.[/quote]

Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and you are mad at your mom because? You are an ungrateful person. Your father abandoned you with the choices he made. Your mother and stepfather did not. Your father is planning to scam you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have sued for visitation or custody. Just how much child support did he pay your mom? I didn't think so.[/quote]

OP here: I really don't think there is a need for you to be snarky/rude. I am not an ungrateful person at all. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I know that wouldn't be possible if my mom hadn't worked her ass off. She had me at 19 so I know that wasn't easy at all and I am very blessed to have grown up in a very wealthy family, go to private schools, etc. However, that isn't even the point. The resentment comes from never knowing the FULL truth. I know the bits and pieces that she has told me but she has never sat down with me and full on told me what actually happened. I get that HE is a bad person and has done horrible things but I want to know the back story on why his side of the family didn't stay in my life, what really happened, etc. etc. etc. THAT is what I am not getting from her. Also, it took him messaging me again for her to admit that he actually reached out when I was in 8th grade and that he actually WAS in my life for two years. [/quote]

Op I can hear the hurt in you voice. I am so so sorry that this has all been so painful for you. It is probably very painful for your mom as well. What happens when you approach her calmly about it and ask if there is a time when she could really tell you the whole story?

She probably feels immense guilt and is trying to protect herself and you by keeping it all hidden- and it comes out as being nasty. Do you guys ever have good heart to heart conversations? [/quote]

OP here: Thank so PP. When I called her yesterday, I was so calm about the whole thing and she immediately snapped at me about it. She went into this whole argument about why I even care, why don't I just block him, he's whitetrash, etc. There is NO going about it calmly with her as she immediately get's so defensive about everything.

As far as having heart to heart conversations...no we don't. We really don't have much of a mother/daughter relationship at all. We talk maybe once a week (normally when she calls me because she needs a favor regarding my siblings) and I see her usually once every weekend when I go over to visit my younger siblings/see my family dog. We never talk about work, life, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's actually even said "I love you" to me. It's definitely been years. We just don't have that great of a relationship and it's more of a occasional acquaintance relationship where we are cordial with each other. It sucks but I'll take this relationship over the old one we had when I was living at home where she would constantly scream, swear, throw things, etc. at me. [/quote]

I'm sorry - it sounds like she is very unhappy, insecure and immature.

It might help for you to figure out exactly what information you want from your father. That way if you decide to contact him, you can keep the discussion very narrow. And be prepared for lots of he said she said stuff. He said he paid support? Your mom says he didn't? what will you do at that point.

Your mom may tell you how he said terrible things about you (I never wanted that kid! Etc.) He may tell you he never said those things and was kept from you. What will you do then?

I ask this because it's not always possible to get the full picture when so many emotions are involved for everybody. You need to think about what you are trying to get out of this.[/quote]

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