OP, you have a LOT of stuff to deal with here. I'm sorry you're saddled with all of this. Just a couple of thoughts:

- try to remember that your mother was dealing with a child, a husband in jail, and all the stuff related to that, before she was even the age you are now. It sounds to me like she did the best she could. That doesn't mean it was perfect, or that she wouldn't do things differently if given the chance, or that you maybe deserved better, but it was the best she could do at the time. She was 21/22 when her world blew apart and she had a baby girl. Try to put yourself in her shoes.

It's entirely understandable that you want to know your biological dad and you absolutely deserve to know the full truth (to the extent possible). Be prepared for the truth being messy, full of mistakes and good intentions and bad actions on all sides. You will not get the happy ending you deserved as a child. You may get some resolution, and hopefully you can find some peace. But those things will come from how you decide to proceed, what decisions you make, and how you decide to feel about things.

You're in charge of your life now. That's the great news, and also the responsibility.

I wish you all the best. I think talking with your therapist is an excellent idea. It can be hugely helpful to talk through emotional things with an impartial third party, and you have a ton of very emotional stuff to deal with.

Other good news is that your parents are all alive, wanting to be in touch with you, and giving you the chance to build new relationships.

Take your time, try not to make anyone the villain, and trust your own inner radar.

Good luck.

I would count your blessings and STAY AWAY from him. He is bad news. Your mom was trying to protect you.

Don't get caught up in his drama, which would come if you contact your half siblings.

If you want, tell your dad to send you a FB message explaining his side of the story in writing. No phone calls.

He will end up using you for money. Trust me.

From OP's latest post: "It sucks but I'll take this relationship over the old one we had when I was living at home where she would constantly scream, swear, throw things, etc. at me."

So PPs who claim (especially after OP said this) her Mom gave her a good home should probably apologize for that. A better home than Dad? Probably. But not a good home.

So Dad disappeared, and Mom was probably too busy dealing with her own demons to be a good parent. What about your step-Dad, OP? Was he able to protect you from your Mom when she started going off the deep end?

Keep your contact limited to e-mail or actual letters, OP, at least for the time being. Explicitly ask him not to contact you through other media than the one you choose, and if he doesn't respect that, just run.

He's not going to rescue you from whatever your mother has put you through, he is going to take you to (probably) a deeper level of Hell. If he has grown up and wants to connect with you, then do that, but be prepared for him to just lose interest or ask you for money.

If he's been clean for the past 15-20 years you may want to factor that into any decisions you make.

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell. I could be your mom if you were a wee bit younger. My ex tried to kill me. Beat my head on the floor and raped me. I jumped multiple states, forged papers, and did everything I could to keep my identity hidden---before the internet, it was easier. Kept my daughter safe and all she could do was whine about her dad and how if she got ahold of him, he could give her the back child support and stuff.

Your parents don't owe you anything, least of all baring their souls to your immature and petulant self wanting to know every detail of their lives so you can criticize it. Why on earth should your mom do that? She has given you a good home and a decent upbringing. Time and past time for you to move on.

I am so sorry you went through what you did. Your cruel words to OP are not necessary and not helpful.

OP, I am sorry. This sounds very sad and I can't believe some PPs are calling you ungrateful. If it were me I would let my bio Dad know I am not ready to meet and ask him to send me the details he thinks I am missing in a FB message. This way you protect yourself from not meeting him in-person (which seems like a very bad idea) but you will get the info you must feel you are missing out on.

Re: your mom, just because you don't have a great relationship does not mean you are not grateful for her. Counseling with her to figure this out together can help you both heal. Good luck!

Oh hell. I could be your mom if you were a wee bit younger. My ex tried to kill me. Beat my head on the floor and raped me. I jumped multiple states, forged papers, and did everything I could to keep my identity hidden---before the internet, it was easier. Kept my daughter safe and all she could do was whine about her dad and how if she got ahold of him, he could give her the back child support and stuff.

Your parents don't owe you anything, least of all baring their souls to your immature and petulant self wanting to know every detail of their lives so you can criticize it. Why on earth should your mom do that? She has given you a good home and a decent upbringing. Time and past time for you to move on.

1) Regarding your dad and his family:

I haven't read all the replies but read your paragraph and there is one BIG theme in your story, and that is that this man does not respect boundaries. So you opened the door a crack and he's trying to kick it open. This is such a red flag. He will NEVER respect boundaries so you MUST stay away.

2) Regarding your mom:

Ok be mad at your mom for choosing such a nightmare for your biological dad, but after that, you are out of line and here is why: For God's sakes, woman, she tried for TWENTY-FIVE years to FIX her mistake. You HAVE a dad. What, you are mad at her for keeping you away from some horrible person who doesn't respect boundaries? Get a grip--someone who doesn't respect boundaries is the type of guy who'd kidnap a kid. It wasn't safe. And these half-sibs? What, you think they are angels? Even if they are, HE is connected to them and she knows not to open the door to him.

You are solidly out of line with your mom. You should be kissing her feet and thanking God that she rescued you. You know how many women stay with the likes of your dad and subject their kids to all sorts of abuse? She got out.

Now she doesn't sound like a total peach, from what you say, but she's human and makes mistakes and did her best by you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom doesn't owe you the whole story. She has told you all you need to know. The rest and how much she wants to share about her relationship is up to her. Parents don't have to be a totally open book to their children. She can keep sections private from you. You have to remember, she's the one with the memories of this guy and she likely doesn't wants to relive those moments. Anything you want to research from your lovely "dad" you can do on your own.

I'm not sure I agree with you PP. Children deserve to know who their parents are and to at least address their questions about their own childhoods. Do they need to every gory detail? No- but they should be able to answer basic questions. It's not only the mom's story- it's her daughter's as well.

I said she doesn't owe here the whole story, not any of it. It sounds like OP got the basics and a decent amount of information. Any more she can go to her dad. She knows where he is and how to contact him. Why does the only source of information have to be the mom?

OTOH, where has your dad been all this time? IF he had three kids over the past quarter century and never bothered to reach out to you, what kind of a relationship can you reasonably expect?

IMHO, I think he's not into a relationship with you and that after an initial meeting or two, he'd repeat his past lack of interest. It's happened before for friends whose fathers fell out of their lives. YMMV.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom doesn't owe you the whole story. She has told you all you need to know. The rest and how much she wants to share about her relationship is up to her. Parents don't have to be a totally open book to their children. She can keep sections private from you. You have to remember, she's the one with the memories of this guy and she likely doesn't wants to relive those moments. Anything you want to research from your lovely "dad" you can do on your own.

I'm not sure I agree with you PP. Children deserve to know who their parents are and to at least address their questions about their own childhoods. Do they need to every gory detail? No- but they should be able to answer basic questions. It's not only the mom's story- it's her daughter's as well.

P.S. You said you never met your dad and you resent your mom. Go meet him then. He's asking you to, go do it. See how it turns out. Nothing is stopping you at this point.

OP, your mom doesn't owe you the whole story. She has told you all you need to know. The rest and how much she wants to share about her relationship is up to her. Parents don't have to be a totally open book to their children. She can keep sections private from you. You have to remember, she's the one with the memories of this guy and she likely doesn't wants to relive those moments. Anything you want to research from your lovely "dad" you can do on your own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and you are mad at your mom because? You are an ungrateful person. Your father abandoned you with the choices he made. Your mother and stepfather did not. Your father is planning to scam you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have sued for visitation or custody. Just how much child support did he pay your mom? I didn't think so.

OP here: I really don't think there is a need for you to be snarky/rude. I am not an ungrateful person at all. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I know that wouldn't be possible if my mom hadn't worked her ass off. She had me at 19 so I know that wasn't easy at all and I am very blessed to have grown up in a very wealthy family, go to private schools, etc. However, that isn't even the point. The resentment comes from never knowing the FULL truth. I know the bits and pieces that she has told me but she has never sat down with me and full on told me what actually happened. I get that HE is a bad person and has done horrible things but I want to know the back story on why his side of the family didn't stay in my life, what really happened, etc. etc. etc. THAT is what I am not getting from her. Also, it took him messaging me again for her to admit that he actually reached out when I was in 8th grade and that he actually WAS in my life for two years.

Op I can hear the hurt in you voice. I am so so sorry that this has all been so painful for you. It is probably very painful for your mom as well. What happens when you approach her calmly about it and ask if there is a time when she could really tell you the whole story?

She probably feels immense guilt and is trying to protect herself and you by keeping it all hidden- and it comes out as being nasty. Do you guys ever have good heart to heart conversations?

OP here: Thank so PP. When I called her yesterday, I was so calm about the whole thing and she immediately snapped at me about it. She went into this whole argument about why I even care, why don't I just block him, he's whitetrash, etc. There is NO going about it calmly with her as she immediately get's so defensive about everything.

As far as having heart to heart conversations...no we don't. We really don't have much of a mother/daughter relationship at all. We talk maybe once a week (normally when she calls me because she needs a favor regarding my siblings) and I see her usually once every weekend when I go over to visit my younger siblings/see my family dog. We never talk about work, life, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's actually even said "I love you" to me. It's definitely been years. We just don't have that great of a relationship and it's more of a occasional acquaintance relationship where we are cordial with each other. It sucks but I'll take this relationship over the old one we had when I was living at home where she would constantly scream, swear, throw things, etc. at me.

I'm sorry - it sounds like she is very unhappy, insecure and immature.

It might help for you to figure out exactly what information you want from your father. That way if you decide to contact him, you can keep the discussion very narrow. And be prepared for lots of he said she said stuff. He said he paid support? Your mom says he didn't? what will you do at that point.

Your mom may tell you how he said terrible things about you (I never wanted that kid! Etc.) He may tell you he never said those things and was kept from you. What will you do then?

I ask this because it's not always possible to get the full picture when so many emotions are involved for everybody. You need to think about what you are trying to get out of this.

I don't think you are going to understand this until you are older and have a child of your own, but I'm in my mid-forties and have kids. There are things I did when I was younger which I don't feel I need to share with my kids and I suspect this is how you mom feels about that period of her life. I'm going to bet she's dealing with a lot of hurt and difficult emotions from that time herself. I think you are viewing this as something your mom has done to hurt you and I suspect this is not the case -- I'm betting a lot of her actions and her not telling you the whole story is to protect you and because she doesn't want to have to reveal these horrible things to you. She's probably afraid you will think less of her. Nineteen: she was a kid.

I know you are hurting, but trust me when I say your perspective on this will change greatly as you mature.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and you are mad at your mom because? You are an ungrateful person. Your father abandoned you with the choices he made. Your mother and stepfather did not. Your father is planning to scam you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have sued for visitation or custody. Just how much child support did he pay your mom? I didn't think so.

OP here: I really don't think there is a need for you to be snarky/rude. I am not an ungrateful person at all. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I know that wouldn't be possible if my mom hadn't worked her ass off. She had me at 19 so I know that wasn't easy at all and I am very blessed to have grown up in a very wealthy family, go to private schools, etc. However, that isn't even the point. The resentment comes from never knowing the FULL truth. I know the bits and pieces that she has told me but she has never sat down with me and full on told me what actually happened. I get that HE is a bad person and has done horrible things but I want to know the back story on why his side of the family didn't stay in my life, what really happened, etc. etc. etc. THAT is what I am not getting from her. Also, it took him messaging me again for her to admit that he actually reached out when I was in 8th grade and that he actually WAS in my life for two years.

Op I can hear the hurt in you voice. I am so so sorry that this has all been so painful for you. It is probably very painful for your mom as well. What happens when you approach her calmly about it and ask if there is a time when she could really tell you the whole story?

She probably feels immense guilt and is trying to protect herself and you by keeping it all hidden- and it comes out as being nasty. Do you guys ever have good heart to heart conversations?

OP here: Thank so PP. When I called her yesterday, I was so calm about the whole thing and she immediately snapped at me about it. She went into this whole argument about why I even care, why don't I just block him, he's whitetrash, etc. There is NO going about it calmly with her as she immediately get's so defensive about everything.

As far as having heart to heart conversations...no we don't. We really don't have much of a mother/daughter relationship at all. We talk maybe once a week (normally when she calls me because she needs a favor regarding my siblings) and I see her usually once every weekend when I go over to visit my younger siblings/see my family dog. We never talk about work, life, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's actually even said "I love you" to me. It's definitely been years. We just don't have that great of a relationship and it's more of a occasional acquaintance relationship where we are cordial with each other. It sucks but I'll take this relationship over the old one we had when I was living at home where she would constantly scream, swear, throw things, etc. at me.