Reply to Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.[/quote]

I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.

The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.[/quote]

Well THAT is a red flag, without question.[/quote]

Agree with this. I think I'm the first poster to mention googling adult children of alcoholics. My father was the same way. His mother was an alcoholic. My dad displayed no emotion whatsoever, and was completely averse to conflict.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew

Wow, what a complete asinine comment to make.  I am the son of an alcoholic father.  I am independent, resourceful, and successful.  I control my destiny and do not let those things I cannot control overwhelm or control me.  I have two wonderful children who I love and who love and respect me.  I do not dwell on my unfortunate past, but certainly strive to make sure my kids do not experience the downs I did as a child.  I am not very emotional, am an engineer (lack of emotion goes with the job), and don't like to spend time talking about "feelings" and the past.  Sorry your dad did not display emotion and was adverse to conflict, does a person of that nature not deserve to have have kids? Maybe a man who acts like a maudlin, bi-polar, hormonal woman who wears emotions on her sleeve would be your idea of a better fit?

I would highly recommend not having children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past.  They are not a good parent.[/quote][/quote]

Don't be so defensive and jerky. I said don't have children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. Some people move past their childhood. Some people don't. Not sure about you with that response.[/quote]

Just because this guy, like me, does not want to dredge up his childhood and past, does not mean that he has not come to terms and "learned to deal with their painful past".  Dealing with your painful past may mean reasoning that your could not control the circumstance as you were a child and not the adult, and realizing that what is done is done.  No amount of talking about it is going to change it, or going to change your prospects for happiness now or in the future.  Talking about it is only a way to make others "check the box" that you have "dealt with it" in a way that they can relate to and approve of.  Rather than judge this person's psyche as unfit to have children why don't you just keep your opinion to your self instead of poisoning him with his girlfriend with your unfounded suggestions that he would not be a good father.  There are millions of adults with parents who were alcoholics, and they can be wonderful parents having learned from their parent's mistakes.[/quote]

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