Anonymous
03/05/2014 21:03
Subject: Re:Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
I bet the BF is plenty emotional about it but not in the way OP wants. She sounds exhausting.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 20:31
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
According to my therapist, an emotionally mature and healed person would have enough distance from it to be able to acknowledge how terrible it was and to accept appropriate sympathy. It should not make you break down or anything like that, but no emotion isn't good either. In other words, you should be able to engage it and feel the pain of it, but that pain should not drive your life choices or moods now.
In your shoes, I'd be asking more questions. Some people who have experienced trauma will downplay it because they don't want to appear whiny or wounded and because they don't want that trauma to be the lens through which other people see them. But these are still the facts of this person's life and when you are close enough, it should be something they can talk about openly.
In your shoes, I'd be asking more questions. Some people who have experienced trauma will downplay it because they don't want to appear whiny or wounded and because they don't want that trauma to be the lens through which other people see them. But these are still the facts of this person's life and when you are close enough, it should be something they can talk about openly.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 20:21
Subject: Re:Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
She said boyfriend isn't emotional about anything, not just his past. He doesn't want to talk about any difficult things. Not just his past. When a current issue arose with a friend, his choice is to cut contact with the friend rather than discuss the the issue or otherwise resolve so etching difficult. Again nothing to do with his past. She is talking about his current avoidant behavior. Bad things happen now. He seems unwilling or unable to deal with conflict, negativity, being caught in a lie, etc. THAT is the red flag. It's classic behavior seen in adult children of alcoholics. That doesn't mean people can't or don't get past it, but this guy, as described by OP, isn't sounding so great.
Actually, this sounds a lot like my DH who can't stand conflict and will lie to avoid it. His upbringing was down right "Leave It To Beaver". He does suffer from anxiety/depression but definitely not an ACOA.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 20:19
Subject: Re:Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
I don't think we know that OP has been hounding her boyfriend about this or even how it came up. You've assumed that she's been badgering him.
OP said he doesn't like to discuss difficult situations so it's pretty clear he's not bringing it up. That leaves OP bringing it and wanting him to "acknowledge that "it sucked" at all."
Anonymous
03/05/2014 19:55
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.
I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.
The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.
Well THAT is a red flag, without question.
Agree with this. I think I'm the first poster to mention googling adult children of alcoholics. My father was the same way. His mother was an alcoholic. My dad displayed no emotion whatsoever, and was completely averse to conflict.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew
Wow, what a complete asinine comment to make. I am the son of an alcoholic father. I am independent, resourceful, and successful. I control my destiny and do not let those things I cannot control overwhelm or control me. I have two wonderful children who I love and who love and respect me. I do not dwell on my unfortunate past, but certainly strive to make sure my kids do not experience the downs I did as a child. I am not very emotional, am an engineer (lack of emotion goes with the job), and don't like to spend time talking about "feelings" and the past. Sorry your dad did not display emotion and was adverse to conflict, does a person of that nature not deserve to have have kids? Maybe a man who acts like a maudlin, bi-polar, hormonal woman who wears emotions on her sleeve would be your idea of a better fit?
I would highly recommend not having children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. They are not a good parent.
Don't be so defensive and jerky. I said don't have children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. Some people move past their childhood. Some people don't. Not sure about you with that response.
Just because this guy, like me, does not want to dredge up his childhood and past, does not mean that he has not come to terms and "learned to deal with their painful past". Dealing with your painful past may mean reasoning that your could not control the circumstance as you were a child and not the adult, and realizing that what is done is done. No amount of talking about it is going to change it, or going to change your prospects for happiness now or in the future. Talking about it is only a way to make others "check the box" that you have "dealt with it" in a way that they can relate to and approve of. Rather than judge this person's psyche as unfit to have children why don't you just keep your opinion to your self instead of poisoning him with his girlfriend with your unfounded suggestions that he would not be a good father. There are millions of adults with parents who were alcoholics, and they can be wonderful parents having learned from their parent's mistakes.
She said boyfriend isn't emotional about anything, not just his past. He doesn't want to talk about any difficult things. Not just his past. When a current issue arose with a friend, his choice is to cut contact with the friend rather than discuss the the issue or otherwise resolve so etching difficult. Again nothing to do with his past. She is talking about his current avoidant behavior. Bad things happen now. He seems unwilling or unable to deal with conflict, negativity, being caught in a lie, etc. THAT is the red flag. It's classic behavior seen in adult children of alcoholics. That doesn't mean people can't or don't get past it, but this guy, as described by OP, isn't sounding so great.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 19:12
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.
I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.
The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.
The lie and cutting out the friend are very telling and, added to your original question, paint a very troubling picture IMO. Why are you still with this guy? You're not going to "fix" him and your last paragraph above tells you all you need to know about where things will be headed (IMO).
Anonymous
03/05/2014 18:56
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.
I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.
The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.
Well THAT is a red flag, without question.
Agree with this. I think I'm the first poster to mention googling adult children of alcoholics. My father was the same way. His mother was an alcoholic. My dad displayed no emotion whatsoever, and was completely averse to conflict.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew
Wow, what a complete asinine comment to make. I am the son of an alcoholic father. I am independent, resourceful, and successful. I control my destiny and do not let those things I cannot control overwhelm or control me. I have two wonderful children who I love and who love and respect me. I do not dwell on my unfortunate past, but certainly strive to make sure my kids do not experience the downs I did as a child. I am not very emotional, am an engineer (lack of emotion goes with the job), and don't like to spend time talking about "feelings" and the past. Sorry your dad did not display emotion and was adverse to conflict, does a person of that nature not deserve to have have kids? Maybe a man who acts like a maudlin, bi-polar, hormonal woman who wears emotions on her sleeve would be your idea of a better fit?
I would highly recommend not having children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. They are not a good parent.
Don't be so defensive and jerky. I said don't have children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. Some people move past their childhood. Some people don't. Not sure about you with that response.
Just because this guy, like me, does not want to dredge up his childhood and past, does not mean that he has not come to terms and "learned to deal with their painful past". Dealing with your painful past may mean reasoning that your could not control the circumstance as you were a child and not the adult, and realizing that what is done is done. No amount of talking about it is going to change it, or going to change your prospects for happiness now or in the future. Talking about it is only a way to make others "check the box" that you have "dealt with it" in a way that they can relate to and approve of. Rather than judge this person's psyche as unfit to have children why don't you just keep your opinion to your self instead of poisoning him with his girlfriend with your unfounded suggestions that he would not be a good father. There are millions of adults with parents who were alcoholics, and they can be wonderful parents having learned from their parent's mistakes.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 18:36
Subject: Re:Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The red flag to me is his saying "and?" after telling you about the situation. Almost as if he is dismissing that anyone would find his history problematic or that you might want to provide support or empathy. I apologize if I am misreading his comment.
Agree. I was going to write the same comment. Saying, "Yeah, and?" in just an inherently disrespectful, disdainful way to speak to someone.
Is "Would you just shut the fuck up about my childhood? Do you know get I don't want to talk about it?" any better?
Nope. That would just be a second red flag!
I don't think we know that OP has been hounding her boyfriend about this or even how it came up. You've assumed that she's been badgering him.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 18:24
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
How old are you? If he is in his 20s it sounds like he might stll be figuring out a way to deal with it, which is ok. If he is in his 40s he should have found a way to cope by now.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 18:20
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.
I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.
The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.
Well THAT is a red flag, without question.
Agree with this. I think I'm the first poster to mention googling adult children of alcoholics. My father was the same way. His mother was an alcoholic. My dad displayed no emotion whatsoever, and was completely averse to conflict.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew
Wow, what a complete asinine comment to make. I am the son of an alcoholic father. I am independent, resourceful, and successful. I control my destiny and do not let those things I cannot control overwhelm or control me. I have two wonderful children who I love and who love and respect me. I do not dwell on my unfortunate past, but certainly strive to make sure my kids do not experience the downs I did as a child. I am not very emotional, am an engineer (lack of emotion goes with the job), and don't like to spend time talking about "feelings" and the past. Sorry your dad did not display emotion and was adverse to conflict, does a person of that nature not deserve to have have kids? Maybe a man who acts like a maudlin, bi-polar, hormonal woman who wears emotions on her sleeve would be your idea of a better fit?
I would highly recommend not having children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. They are not a good parent.
Don't be so defensive and jerky. I said don't have children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. Some people move past their childhood. Some people don't. Not sure about you with that response.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 18:13
Subject: Re:Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The red flag to me is his saying "and?" after telling you about the situation. Almost as if he is dismissing that anyone would find his history problematic or that you might want to provide support or empathy. I apologize if I am misreading his comment.
Agree. I was going to write the same comment. Saying, "Yeah, and?" in just an inherently disrespectful, disdainful way to speak to someone.
Is "Would you just shut the fuck up about my childhood? Do you know get I don't want to talk about it?" any better?
Anonymous
03/05/2014 17:43
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Would this be a red flag to you:
Incredibly bad childhood (primary caregiver alcoholic, divorced 6 times):
Guy I'm dating says:
No connection to a single former step Fathers, no sadness
Found out about one divorce when the real estate agent showed up, no emotion
Moved for a new parental marriage after getting into a prestigious school (TJ) and couldn't attend, no emotion
Etc...
Accepts everything as "yeah, and...?" Won't even admit or acknowledge that those are painful memories or experiences. Denies any emotion. Claims totally over it and has moved on. Red flag?
He told you all this (how else would you know?) then when you want to talk about it, he says, yeah and...? Lots of problems. Why take this on?
It isn't his job to educate her on Shitty Childhoods 101. If she wants to know more, she can read a book and quit poking him about it.
If she can't do that, they should break up. She's not a good match for him.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 17:13
Subject: Re:Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:The red flag to me is his saying "and?" after telling you about the situation. Almost as if he is dismissing that anyone would find his history problematic or that you might want to provide support or empathy. I apologize if I am misreading his comment.
Agree. I was going to write the same comment. Saying, "Yeah, and?" in just an inherently disrespectful, disdainful way to speak to someone.
Anonymous
03/05/2014 16:51
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Would this be a red flag to you:
Incredibly bad childhood (primary caregiver alcoholic, divorced 6 times):
Guy I'm dating says:
No connection to a single former step Fathers, no sadness
Found out about one divorce when the real estate agent showed up, no emotion
Moved for a new parental marriage after getting into a prestigious school (TJ) and couldn't attend, no emotion
Etc...
Accepts everything as "yeah, and...?" Won't even admit or acknowledge that those are painful memories or experiences. Denies any emotion. Claims totally over it and has moved on. Red flag?
He told you all this (how else would you know?) then when you want to talk about it, he says, yeah and...? Lots of problems. Why take this on?
That's probably not the way it happened. Sure, he told her about it but after that discussion was over, She keeps bringing it up and wants to talk about it. Wants him to cry on her shoulder, wants to comfort him. She also probably keeps implying that every problem in their relationship is due to his fucked up childhood. When he doesn't bite, she becomes less subtle about it and he responds by saying "yeah, and...?"
Anonymous
03/05/2014 15:00
Subject: Red flag(?): no emotion regarding painful past
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:not everyone processes painful experiences the same way. I had a lot of lousy things happen in childhood but I don't brood over them as an adult. They sucked, I learned what I could from them (for example, how not to treat people) and I've moved on with my life. I'd be more wary of someone who obsesses over stuff that happened 20 yrs ago.
I don't expected him to continue to dwell on the past, but he doesn't acknowledge that "it sucked" at all. I'm saying that he does not admit to having ever had real feelings in the moment. For example, I didn't get my dream job 10 years ago and I remember being very upset about it. Clearly I'm over it now.
The reason I ask of it's a red flag is that I feel he displays little to no emotion at all and does not like to discuss difficult situations. For example, a friend of his told me some things about him that he lied about to me and his response was to completely cut the friend out of our life rather than talk about it or deal with the issues brought up.
Well THAT is a red flag, without question.
Agree with this. I think I'm the first poster to mention googling adult children of alcoholics. My father was the same way. His mother was an alcoholic. My dad displayed no emotion whatsoever, and was completely averse to conflict.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew
Wow, what a complete asinine comment to make. I am the son of an alcoholic father. I am independent, resourceful, and successful. I control my destiny and do not let those things I cannot control overwhelm or control me. I have two wonderful children who I love and who love and respect me. I do not dwell on my unfortunate past, but certainly strive to make sure my kids do not experience the downs I did as a child. I am not very emotional, am an engineer (lack of emotion goes with the job), and don't like to spend time talking about "feelings" and the past. Sorry your dad did not display emotion and was adverse to conflict, does a person of that nature not deserve to have have kids? Maybe a man who acts like a maudlin, bi-polar, hormonal woman who wears emotions on her sleeve would be your idea of a better fit?
I would highly recommend not having children with a person who has not learned to deal with their painful past. They are not a good parent.