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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am Asian. I will make sure that my kids are successful and would have learned time management and work ethics by the time they leave my house.

Some kids will learn these earlier than others, and I will be there each step of the way to help, guide and support them in every way that I can.  However, after senior year - regardless of their intrinsic motivation and personality  - they will be launched successfully.

[/quote]

OP again.  I am not Asian born but do have many Asian friends.  I actually am of Western European descent.  I thought I would throw that it in since my methods are probably considered Eastern.  [/quote]

LOL. No, I don't consider it Eastern. I consider it very old school type of parenting. You do due diligence as a parent with some tough love thrown in.  You try and  figure out what each child needs and you give them that support  and discipline.

I feel that I have a larger responsibility in raising my kid, than any other entity.  I do not feel that that is the role of the school system or the teachers.  I see the school as as the workplace and the teacher as the boss. My kids job is to do well at their work.  I tell them that if they are successful, I am the one person who gains nothing, but am the happiest and proudest of their achievements.  I also tell them that I will not be there for the rest of their lives - so the values I can teach them while they are under my care should be solid enough to last them a lifetime. My job is to watch them carefully, understand the weakness in their personality, work habits etc, and work hard with them to fix it.

If I need to yell - then I will yell. If I need to wake up at 4:00 am to make coffee for them and wake them up to study, I will do that.  It is not always easy, but my life for these few years revolves around their needs.  Being a parent is not easy. [/quote]

OP again....I give my kids the same lecture about [b]how their job is to do well in school.[/b] My husband and I work full time and I've told both kids that our job to ensure that we are able to pay the mortgage, private school, food, clothing, activities etc so that they may have a much better life than we did growing up.   I've never used the teacher is the boss analogy but I do equate the tests to their "performance" reviews. When my DD gets a really bad grade, I tell her that if I continually performed like that at work that I would lose my job.  I also tell my kids that I can't support them forever but I will give them the tools so they will be successful.  I love your words though very sweet.  [/quote]

Alas, I don't think we could ever be friends.  I hate that phrase (job to do well in school).  Really hate it.  And the performance review thing - oh boy are you in for it.  What will you do if your child works hard and still does poorly on something? Doing well in elementary and doing well later are different things.   Either you focus on inputs and study skills, or your teenage years will be rough, particularly if there is a younger kid in the house to whom this stuff comes easier.

Signed, mother of an extremely bright but underachieving lovely 14 year old who I don't want to hate me.[/quote]

I totally agree we would never be friends IRL and that is fine with me.  I'm sure you know people like me and you who look down on them.  I'm okay with that, I really am not looking for your approval as our approaches to parenting are completely at odds.  The fact that you make excuses for your son is like nails on chalkboard to me.  He's smart and doesn't apply himself but it's okay because school isn't real life anyway.  I hate that argument.  Yes there are successful people who didn't do well in school but one thing they have in common is they work hard.  Also, nothing closes doors faster than a lack of a good education.
 I think it is the most sad part of American culture these days that so many people make excuses for their children and don't hold them accountable.  The most common excuse I hear is about my very smart underachieving child often with ADD or ADHD.  I also think you are in for a very hard road if you worry about what your child thinks about you today.  You've got to be the parent and that means sometimes your child won't like you.  [/quote]

Not the PP above, but the point is not whether the child likes you or whether they will perform or achieve well because you're pushing/forcing them to while they're in your house.  With enough force, you can get nearly every kid to comply eventually in the short terms.

The point is how to help your kid find INSIDE HIMSELF what he needs to motivate himself as a college student, a young adult, and ultimately as a life-long habit.  If you are always the one doing the pushing and prodding, the threatening and punishing, the cajoling and manipulating, the approving and disapproving, you are depriving your child of the opportunity to find his OWN motivation.  It's not just motivation to achieve great results, by the way.  It's also motivation to be curious (learning and growth for its own sake), to take smart risks (push himself further even though he's not sure he can succeed), and to explore and innovate based on his own unique strengths (some of which you don't personally share and therefore may not be able to fully see.)

Again, I'm not saying this is about being your child's friend.  But it's also not just about holding your child accountable to you.  It's about them figuring out that they're accountable to THEMSELVES.  Long term, that's a far more powerful (and healthy) motivator than a parent's approval.  But if your voice is always the loudest, they'll never learn to recognize and listen to their own.[/quote]

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