Reply to Straight A's but only if I yell

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you really don't seem to understand the difference between INTERNAL and EXTERNAL motivation.  If you did, you would be making very different choices in your relationship with your DD.

Please slow down and think about what you're doing.

Your behavior is teaching your daughter that there are two reasons to study and work hard in school:

(1) To please you (or to avoid you yelling at her); and

(2) To keep her privileges (or not lose them to your punishment.)

Nothing in there focuses on how i feels TO HER to succeed or fail in school, or how it feels TO HER to work hard and enjoy the good results (learning something new, getting a good grade, discovering a new strength).

Do you see the difference???

So far, you've directly taught her to work hard in order to get (or not lose) something from someone else. Specifically, from YOU.

My mother did the same thing and yes, it worked in the short term.  As a child and teenager, I got excellent grades in order to avoid her yelling at or grounding me.  As I got a little older, I also developed a deep resentment of her for trying to control my choices and for crowding out my ability to figure things out on my own.  It was terrible my for our relationship.  We were never close growing up (though I always put on a fake happy face in order keep her off my back), and we're certainly not close now that I'm an adult.

You seem to care about credentials, so here are mine:  I skipped a grade as a child, and I went to an Ivy League college.  I struggled tremendously my first few years there.  My mother had been so heavy-handed about the external motivators that I had never learned what it felt like to be internally motivated.  Ultimately I figured things out, but there was a TREMENDOUS cost to me in my 20s and 30s, not to mention it destroyed my relationship with my mother.  (Who wants to be close to someone who yells at them?)

My advice:  BACK OFF NOW!!  Your DD is ten, which is the perfect age for her to start experiences the natural consequences of her choices.  If she doesn't put the work in, she will get a lower grade.  Let her figure out what she thinks about that and what she might want to do differently next time.

In the meantime, continue to hold "high standards" by telling her what you know she's capable of achieving when she puts in the hard work.  But let her experiment with making some choices.  Ten is the perfect age to grant her a little more autonomy.

Finally, you said in an earlier post that you think she works hard in order to "not disappoint you" or something like that.  My guess is she doesn't give a crap about disappointing you.  She just wants you to stop yelling at her and start giving her her stuff back.  Basically, she does what you say to get you off her back.  (Again, that's EXTERNAL motivation.)
If you want to read more on this subject, I highly recommend starting with Carol Dweck's work (she's a Stanford professor, in case you care), as well as with Self-Determination theory (University of Rochester.)

Here's a good intro article to get you started on the Self-Determination Theory of Motivation:  http://www.education.com/reference/article/self-determination-theory-of-motivation/ 
[/quote]

Thanks PP for your heartfelt response. When you first responded, I didn't realize how much this issue really hits home with you.  I'm really sorry that your mom's parenting style had such a negative impact on your relationship.  I definitely don't want my daughter to have such a negative opinion of her childhood.  Curious did your mom talk to you as a child about being internally motivated?  I do talk with my daughter lot about internal motivation but she still doesn't get it- though I think she is getting better.  I'll definitely check out the book from the library next time we go.

BTW- I don't take things away after every bad grade (everyone has a bad day) but if I start to see a pattern that is when I get ready upset.  I wouldn't want my DD to skip a grade either.  18 years really isn't that much time either.

FWIW- My parents had the completely opposite philosophy.  It was sink or swim and they weren't going to help me either way.  Given the people that they were, I'm glad that I didn't receive their lousy guidance but if I had more support as a child from more highly educated parents, I would have done better.  I'm sure that everyone has a complaint though about how they were raised.

I don't think an Ivy is the answer for every child either.  I want my DD to be successful.  If I had my druthers she would earn a hard science degree but if she chooses liberal arts, I'm okay with that as long as she does her best and she has a long term plan.  I think a degree from Podunk U (very specialized in demand field) could be worth more than a degree from Harvard (i.e. Women's Studies).  I'm also not sending her to a private school for status either.  My DD is a very sweet slightly socially awkward kid who loves her private school and her equally slightly socially awkward friends.  We have specific reasons for sending the kids there but I don't want to get into it on this forum.  I will say they love their schools.[/quote]

I'm the PP you responded to, and I do hope at least some of what I shared will end up being helpful to you and your DD.  It sounds like your heart is in the right place, as is true with all (most?) parents. Even so, I think sometimes the disconnects or errors come from over-compensating for our parents' mistakes, or not thinking carefully enough about the impact we're having on our kids. Even good intentions can cause terrible pain when executed improperly.

On that note, I would encourage you to go back and read your reply above. There's a lot in there about YOU and YOUR very specific preferences for your DD's future once she leaves your home. Sure, you express some limited tolerances for deviations from your vision, but it all seems overly prescribed IMHO.  Even your talking with DD about internal motivation is just that - YOU trying to spoon feed it to her and the message not getting through. Again, this is not the way internal motivation works.  By definition, it is something someone discovers on their own for their own satisfaction, not because someone else kept talking with them about how important it is.

Of course, I'm not saying it's wrong to have high expectations and lofty hopes and dreams for your child. But I am encouraging you to reframe it into something much less specific - more that she discovers  academic (and ultimately professional) pursuits that SHE loves and that allow HER to be happy and thrive, whatever that looks like. Let go of your "druthers" for hard sciences and your Plan B tolerance for a "specialized field". Allow her the whole wide world from which to choose, and be supportive as she experiments, discovers, and finds her way.

She will find far more "success" and happiness, too, if SHE is the one who discovers her interests and strengths. Even if it means some mistakes and missteps (and god-forbid some B's or C's!!) along the way.  Kids need to be allowed to struggle some to learn that they can overcome challenges and survive failure.  IMHO, our job is to stick by their side to be encouraging and supportive while allowing them
ever more responsibility for their choices and their consequences. Even at age ten.

Finally, I've heard good things about a book called "The Blessing of a B-Minus" or somethimg like that. But i havent reaf ittself. Perhaps others can weigh in?  I also much enjoyed a book called "Drive," (something about "Motivation" in the title) which explores the Self Determination Theory research results in a way that is easy to understand and apply to parenting. [/quote]

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