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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You also shouldn't fuss if people don't come to your Xmas day dinner in the future. If people are going to Xmas eve at the mil, they might have obligations to the other sides of the family on Xmas day or maybe just want to div their own thing. [/quote]

OP here, thanks.  dH's siblings don't have other family around here, and they would usually just sit around MIL's and graze on leftovers from the night before, not do anything special on Christmas itself.  But it's clear that MIL wants them there and adamantly does NOT want them at our house.  Next year, we'll just let her do her Xmas Eve thing at her house and I'll invite whoever wants to come, to come to dinner on Christmas Day.  If no one comes from DH's side, it's their loss.  I can't imagine that we'll want to do the smoky house with a 1 year old either, so DH will probably just drop off a fmgift with our regrets.  I just can't do the smoking thing any more, and I guess trying to have their usual gathering at our place is a no-go.

Thanks for the understanding![/quote]

Agree with your conclusion OP.  MIL wanted to host Christmas Eve.  The other siblings don't care that it is smoke filled, too small,and FIL is a hoarder etc.  You don't want to bring your child to MIL's house.  Although you were trying to come up with a compromise by opening your home and have MIL host there, clearly there was not a reciprocal agreement I.e. next year it is at MIL house.  I could have read this wrong but it sounds like you do not plan to step foot into MIL house now that you have a baby. You haven't had this yet but it will be like when your kid has a friend and all the drop off play dates are at their house and never at your house.  Somehow it is always more convenient to be at their house.  Honestly, I'm not comfortable with that inequity, and while I would never directly confront that person, I would not feel comfortable having my kids over at their house.  So I will say it, your MIL likely feels like you don't think her house is good enough though it was fine pre-kids and did not want to directly confront the situation.   You are giving MIL grief but honestly if your DH was being up front with MIL you needed to talk about health concerns and have her drive the compromise since whatever was decided  would have her giving up the most (I.e. not smoking, cleaning carpets, giving up hosting tradition etc).

For now, you can do Christmas Day and I assume not go to MIL Christmas Eve but If you want to have a good relationship with MIL your DH will need to talk thru the underlying issue.  Do you plan for MIL to only see her grandchild at your house or neutral territory?  My mom is a hoarder and on one hand I am fortunate she doesn't want the kids to stay over until she gets the house together, on the other hand the kids are in upper elementary and it is still not together.  They have wondered why they never go to the other grandma's house.  We will probably stop by, but not stay, this year.  My father had a health scare (similar to you they live close and are divorced) and it made me realize I needed to make more of an effort. The relationship with kids and grandparents as well as my relationship with parents is not as strong as it could be with them only seeing  the kids when they come to me.  I'm assuming your DH thought your parents did a decent job raising him and he gets along with them.  Let them see that bond carry thru to their son's child.  Also, remember our time is not forever and you don't want to look back and realize your kids never got to know their grandparents because you insisted it always be on your terms.[/quote]

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