Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear, too, NONE of this was my idea...wait, no, Christmas dinner was. But it's DH who came up with the idea of having MIL host from here. And he has hated going to her house for years, but never had a place or the inclination to host his family himself until we created a nice home together and he felt more comfortable hosting people. So this was a big deal for him, like a coming of age this or something. He also has said that his mother is miserable with hosting...she stresses and complains about it for weeks, and she's a nervous, anxious wreck on the day itself, never even sitting to enjoy peopel's company. He hoped maybe coming here could take the pressure off...she couid maybe relax more and enjoy her kids and grandkids rather than running around picking up used dishes and fretting about dips and drinks, etc. But apparently his mom just isn't interested in him playing that role, or is threatened by me taking on that kind of role. I don't want the baby in a smoke-filled house and thought our space would be more comfortable for a crowd, and DH shared those feelings, but his impetus was greater than mine. He really hoped everyone, especially his mom, would enjoy it more.

Anyway, I appreciate both the empathy and the pushback - its been interesting to read other perspectives.

I really hope your DH and his mom work out the issues. It sounds like hurt feelings on both sides. I'm still curious if this means your DH will never bring the baby by his mom's house? I'm all for making it easier on mom and wanting to start hosting but it still feels like an unspoken ultimatum given to the mom wrapped in a blanket of doing it to help her.

Exactly -- if MIL was passive/aggressive, OP was as well.

The holidays are over. You got your responses, some you liked, some you didn't like. Why are you still responding to this OP on Jan 9? Stop the drama in 2014,

Anonymous wrote:To be clear, too, NONE of this was my idea...wait, no, Christmas dinner was. But it's DH who came up with the idea of having MIL host from here. And he has hated going to her house for years, but never had a place or the inclination to host his family himself until we created a nice home together and he felt more comfortable hosting people. So this was a big deal for him, like a coming of age this or something. He also has said that his mother is miserable with hosting...she stresses and complains about it for weeks, and she's a nervous, anxious wreck on the day itself, never even sitting to enjoy peopel's company. He hoped maybe coming here could take the pressure off...she couid maybe relax more and enjoy her kids and grandkids rather than running around picking up used dishes and fretting about dips and drinks, etc. But apparently his mom just isn't interested in him playing that role, or is threatened by me taking on that kind of role. I don't want the baby in a smoke-filled house and thought our space would be more comfortable for a crowd, and DH shared those feelings, but his impetus was greater than mine. He really hoped everyone, especially his mom, would enjoy it more.

Anyway, I appreciate both the empathy and the pushback - its been interesting to read other perspectives.

I really hope your DH and his mom work out the issues. It sounds like hurt feelings on both sides. I'm still curious if this means your DH will never bring the baby by his mom's house? I'm all for making it easier on mom and wanting to start hosting but it still feels like an unspoken ultimatum given to the mom wrapped in a blanket of doing it to help her.

MIL asn't sneaky, it wasn't a secret. It is the tradition she has done for years and years. Did Op really think that no one else should or would continue the tradition because she wanted things different?

MIL just did what she always does AND on top of that did extra to cater to OP. Why would she tell OP details of the traditional buffet? She knew OP was opposed to it and wouldn't be coming and MIL had already gone out of her way to make sure OP was still part of the celebration. Why would you talk to someone about an event you know they disapprove of and don't want to be a part of?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all these people defending the MIL. What she did was totally passive aggressive, immature, and unacceptable. Unfortunately, it looks like you're not going to get to spend time with your inlaws at Christmas anymore. For me, smoking is a complete nonstarter -- no way in hell would I allow my children to be exposed to secondhand smoke. Maybe you could try to host on the 23rd or 26th next year if you would like to spend time with them, but that smoky house is a no go. I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it -- this is a health issue and a danger to your child. I am fortunate that no one in my family or DH's family smokes.

Do you know how to read?

OP had the in-laws to her home on the 24th. The MIL typically hosted this, but because of the smoke-filled home, they accommodated and moved to OP's house. The on the 25th, the in-laws again came to OP's home to accommodate the OP. What she's upset about is the fact that MIL went ahead and had another dinner back at her smoke-filled townhouse. Somehow OP thought that MIL's longstanding tradition of hosting was going by the wayside. People here do not feel OP has a right to be upset--the in-laws met her requests to have Christmas in a non-smoker's home AND the in-laws got to enjoy Christmas the way they always have. What's the problem?

I don't think I read the OP incorrectly unless it was unclear. The way I read it, the in-laws came over to OP's house on Christmas Eve from 1-5 p.m., the MIL hosted her buffet later that same evening, and then cooked Christmas Day dinner the next day so that none of OP's DH's siblings could come to the Christmas dinner she planned even though she had never done one in previous years -- i.e. she did it as a big "fuck you" to OP. I didn't realize that they had come by on Christmas morning as well, but that doesn't change my opinion of the MIL's behavior. Of course, I am highly intolerant of smoking, so that is why I have no sympathy for the MIL's feelings.

OP here, yep, you read it all right. And thanks for the sympathy.

OP here, surprised to see this thread revived! FWIW, no one from DH's family came here Christmas morning, no. Just Christmas Eve. Christmas Day was the day that I has invited people here to dinner because I knew his family never usually did anything special on Christmas Day, and that's my family tradition and one way we intend to celebrate with my son, so I wanted to include all the local family and family from out of town in the invitation.

My BIL and spouse were v excited about the dinner, because his spouse had said how much Chritmas Day had been a downer in past years without a dinner or any sort of celebration on the day, so although I figured DH's mother and sister would stay home to relax, watch TV, and smoke in peace (which is perfectly okay as far as Christmas traditions go, whatever makes you happy on a happy day!) I figured FIL, BIL, and spouse would come. It wasn't till they were all leaving on Christmas Eve night that DH found out that his mother was planning on making her own Christmas dinner ever and expecting all the family but us to be there. BIL and spouse were mortified and apologetic, but felt that MIL's was basically a command performance.

To be clear, too, NONE of this was my idea...wait, no, Christmas dinner was. But it's DH who came up with the idea of having MIL host from here. And he has hated going to her house for years, but never had a place or the inclination to host his family himself until we created a nice home together and he felt more comfortable hosting people. So this was a big deal for him, like a coming of age this or something. He also has said that his mother is miserable with hosting...she stresses and complains about it for weeks, and she's a nervous, anxious wreck on the day itself, never even sitting to enjoy peopel's company. He hoped maybe coming here could take the pressure off...she couid maybe relax more and enjoy her kids and grandkids rather than running around picking up used dishes and fretting about dips and drinks, etc. But apparently his mom just isn't interested in him playing that role, or is threatened by me taking on that kind of role. I don't want the baby in a smoke-filled house and thought our space would be more comfortable for a crowd, and DH shared those feelings, but his impetus was greater than mine. He really hoped everyone, especially his mom, would enjoy it more.

Anyway, I appreciate both the empathy and the pushback - its been interesting to read other perspectives.

I definitely do not think you were out of line.
Your MIL is sneaky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all these people defending the MIL. What she did was totally passive aggressive, immature, and unacceptable. Unfortunately, it looks like you're not going to get to spend time with your inlaws at Christmas anymore. For me, smoking is a complete nonstarter -- no way in hell would I allow my children to be exposed to secondhand smoke. Maybe you could try to host on the 23rd or 26th next year if you would like to spend time with them, but that smoky house is a no go. I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it -- this is a health issue and a danger to your child. I am fortunate that no one in my family or DH's family smokes.

Do you know how to read?

OP had the in-laws to her home on the 24th. The MIL typically hosted this, but because of the smoke-filled home, they accommodated and moved to OP's house. The on the 25th, the in-laws again came to OP's home to accommodate the OP. What she's upset about is the fact that MIL went ahead and had another dinner back at her smoke-filled townhouse. Somehow OP thought that MIL's longstanding tradition of hosting was going by the wayside. People here do not feel OP has a right to be upset--the in-laws met her requests to have Christmas in a non-smoker's home AND the in-laws got to enjoy Christmas the way they always have. What's the problem?

I don't think I read the OP incorrectly unless it was unclear. The way I read it, the in-laws came over to OP's house on Christmas Eve from 1-5 p.m., the MIL hosted her buffet later that same evening, and then cooked Christmas Day dinner the next day so that none of OP's DH's siblings could come to the Christmas dinner she planned even though she had never done one in previous years -- i.e. she did it as a big "fuck you" to OP. I didn't realize that they had come by on Christmas morning as well, but that doesn't change my opinion of the MIL's behavior. Of course, I am highly intolerant of smoking, so that is why I have no sympathy for the MIL's feelings.

I see no problem with being unwilling to expose baby to a smokers den. OP offered a reasonable solution ands MIL basically lied to her and her son by keeping the second party secret and then hosting a competing dinner when she has never done a Christmas Day dinner before. That sends off major red flags for me. Never has this women ever hosted a dinner on Christmas Day and the one time OP tries to have something she hosts? Fishy. I bet MIl's Christmas Day dinner now becomes a yearly tradition so that she can keep everyone away from OP's house the whole weekend.

20:29 here with one other thought.....whatever danger your child is in from a few hours of being in a smoker's house (you could ask them not to smoke in front of a baby) seems to be to be trumped by the idea that you, who pretended to like dh's family, is now using the baby to distance yourself, the baby, & dh from his family and their traditions.
How would you like it if you started your tradition and, as soon as your kid has a baby, that kid and a spouse who has previously seemed to enjoy the Christmases you worked on suddenly refuses to come to your home, ever....

The Christmas Eve tradition is probably very important to your MIL. She was trying to be accommodating to you even though you basically said her home is not good enough for you. Imagine how insulting and hurtful that would be to her. She should have just told you "ok sorry you cant come, we are going to do our usual thing" but imagine how hard it would be to say that to her son and new grand baby.
She did not handle it well but she tried to accomodate and now you are mad at her. It sounds to me like your DH married his mother: you and she both want things the way you want them.
If I were her I'd be annoyed at you for thinking a new baby trumps the family tradition.
Seriously, unless someone is blowing smoke in the baby's face, how bad could it be for a few hours? Will the baby never go to grandma's house, ever?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also shouldn't fuss if people don't come to your Xmas day dinner in the future. If people are going to Xmas eve at the mil, they might have obligations to the other sides of the family on Xmas day or maybe just want to div their own thing.

OP here, thanks. dH's siblings don't have other family around here, and they would usually just sit around MIL's and graze on leftovers from the night before, not do anything special on Christmas itself. But it's clear that MIL wants them there and adamantly does NOT want them at our house. Next year, we'll just let her do her Xmas Eve thing at her house and I'll invite whoever wants to come, to come to dinner on Christmas Day. If no one comes from DH's side, it's their loss. I can't imagine that we'll want to do the smoky house with a 1 year old either, so DH will probably just drop off a fmgift with our regrets. I just can't do the smoking thing any more, and I guess trying to have their usual gathering at our place is a no-go.

Thanks for the understanding!

Agree with your conclusion OP. MIL wanted to host Christmas Eve. The other siblings don't care that it is smoke filled, too small,and FIL is a hoarder etc. You don't want to bring your child to MIL's house. Although you were trying to come up with a compromise by opening your home and have MIL host there, clearly there was not a reciprocal agreement I.e. next year it is at MIL house. I could have read this wrong but it sounds like you do not plan to step foot into MIL house now that you have a baby. You haven't had this yet but it will be like when your kid has a friend and all the drop off play dates are at their house and never at your house. Somehow it is always more convenient to be at their house. Honestly, I'm not comfortable with that inequity, and while I would never directly confront that person, I would not feel comfortable having my kids over at their house. So I will say it, your MIL likely feels like you don't think her house is good enough though it was fine pre-kids and did not want to directly confront the situation. You are giving MIL grief but honestly if your DH was being up front with MIL you needed to talk about health concerns and have her drive the compromise since whatever was decided would have her giving up the most (I.e. not smoking, cleaning carpets, giving up hosting tradition etc).

For now, you can do Christmas Day and I assume not go to MIL Christmas Eve but If you want to have a good relationship with MIL your DH will need to talk thru the underlying issue. Do you plan for MIL to only see her grandchild at your house or neutral territory? My mom is a hoarder and on one hand I am fortunate she doesn't want the kids to stay over until she gets the house together, on the other hand the kids are in upper elementary and it is still not together. They have wondered why they never go to the other grandma's house. We will probably stop by, but not stay, this year. My father had a health scare (similar to you they live close and are divorced) and it made me realize I needed to make more of an effort. The relationship with kids and grandparents as well as my relationship with parents is not as strong as it could be with them only seeing the kids when they come to me. I'm assuming your DH thought your parents did a decent job raising him and he gets along with them. Let them see that bond carry thru to their son's child. Also, remember our time is not forever and you don't want to look back and realize your kids never got to know their grandparents because you insisted it always be on your terms.

Smoking is GROSS. Do what you need to do for the health of your family.

If you can't be together so be it.

Maybe it was unreasonable of OP to ask in the first place (though I don't necessarily think this myself) but I agree it is passive aggressive of the MIL to grudgingly agree to do something at OP's and then have a secret party afterwards. Just tell OP and her husband about the second party in the first place!

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all these people defending the MIL. What she did was totally passive aggressive, immature, and unacceptable. Unfortunately, it looks like you're not going to get to spend time with your inlaws at Christmas anymore. For me, smoking is a complete nonstarter -- no way in hell would I allow my children to be exposed to secondhand smoke. Maybe you could try to host on the 23rd or 26th next year if you would like to spend time with them, but that smoky house is a no go. I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it -- this is a health issue and a danger to your child. I am fortunate that no one in my family or DH's family smokes.

Do you know how to read?

OP had the in-laws to her home on the 24th. The MIL typically hosted this, but because of the smoke-filled home, they accommodated and moved to OP's house. The on the 25th, the in-laws again came to OP's home to accommodate the OP. What she's upset about is the fact that MIL went ahead and had another dinner back at her smoke-filled townhouse. Somehow OP thought that MIL's longstanding tradition of hosting was going by the wayside. People here do not feel OP has a right to be upset--the in-laws met her requests to have Christmas in a non-smoker's home AND the in-laws got to enjoy Christmas the way they always have. What's the problem?