Reply to 26 and never had a boyfriend - what the hell is going on?

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Reply to "26 and never had a boyfriend - what the hell is going on?"

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[quote=Anonymous]Op, I'm caucasian and had the same experience in my 20s. Partly growing up fairly conservative (socially, not politically) household, spent my youth doing ballet and going to an all girls school all theway through high school, high achieving in college, but felt profoundly at a disadvantage compared to my friends when it came to interacting with men in a 'normal' way. Looking back, I think this unease and lack of self confidence in one particular area (not attractiveness per se, but how to connect with men, in a variety of ways) came through--I was either defensive, off-putting, fake, etc. I didn't realize it, and had tons of huge crushes, but they were rarely reciprocated. And if someone pursued me, I either was scared or didn't believe they were truly interested.

Anyway, it just took a lot of time, experience, and building self confidence. I started by having more male friends, and then by doing a lotof things that I loved doing, that made me feel good about me, but that also built networks (rock climbing, hiking, wine tasting, and volunteering with Habitat for Humanity). I also had a couple flings--all with somewhat older men, for some reason I clicked better with them, maybe because the natural shyness and awkwardness about lack of experience I felt in general could be 'normalized' in an older-younger relationship (or maybe because a lot of men in their 20s were really immature too!). I discovered my, ahem, sexual side, made up for lost time, and that totally transformed the way I thought of myself and interacted with men, too---not at all in a slutty way, but rather I no longer felt like there was something "wrong" with me.

I didn't get married until my 30s (my boobs were still pretty great-its kids, not age that does them in!), at which point I had a lot of experiences--both good and bad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are late bloomers, and the anxiety you feel about that fact, and the inevitable comparisons (how can she get a boyfriend and I can't) only further detriment your cause. Just accept that for a long time you've put out certain signals--I'm not interested--and that not only has kept men away, but also kept you from figuring out how to engage with men on a romantic and sexual level. Now you want to, but you don't know how, and you are going through the early, and perhaps more immature stages of figuring that out. Some of that immaturity shows through in your thoughts and writing--I have no doubt that will disappear as you gain experience and confidence, but for now, just accept that you started "late" and instead of being worried about that use this time as an opportunity to figure how fabulous you are and communicate that to the world. soon, the men will follow.

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