Reply to Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?

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Reply to "Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am the parent of an adopted child. She just told me she found her father and they have made multiple plans to get together. Yesterday she told me she wouldn't be home for Christmas because she was going to spend it with her birthfather. I am so hurt that she would ruin my husband's and my Christmas. I thought we were so close growing up but not the tables have turned. She has started to become distant and doesn't care how I feel at this loss. I know she has to find her roots but the way she has gone about it, leaves me empty. She said we will always be her parents but the comments say differently.[/quote]

Something about this doesn't sound right. You seem to be thinking only of yourself - "I am so hurt she would ruin my husband's and my Christmas", she "doesn't care how I feel at this loss". Perhaps you haven't been thinking enough about how [u]she[/u] feels, what she might be going through in this process of finding her birth father? Maybe she didn't tell you before because she thought you would disapprove or maybe she was even thinking that you would be upset or angered by her interest in her birth family.

As adoptive parents, it can be very painful and frightening for us when our children seek out their birth family. But the adopted person is also going through an incredibly complex emotional journey - they are revisiting the loss that they experienced as children (even if they were infants), they are trying to solve a longstanding mystery and are reconciling reality with the fantasy that they have probably always harboured, and they may be facing disappointment. They may also feel guilt or anger towards their adoptive family as part of the process. It sounds like fairly early days in the reunion of your daughter with her birth father, and I think the best thing you can do to retain your relationship with her is show your support, understanding and unconditional love, and don't push her away with negative reactions.[/quote]

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