Anonymous
Post 12/18/2013 09:17     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
I'm the OP, and just saw that this thread from May has been revived. I followed up my original post with another saying that what I was really asking was what do adult adopted people think about the media's portrayal of birth parent reunion stories. Most of these stories do not include information about the adoptive parents.

As I wrote in my original post, if my husband and I adopt, we want an open adoption, from beginning to end. We feel that is what is best for the child. Also, I can see the birth mother/father being a blessing, another family friend to love a child. Before it is mentioned, let me say that this is of course the ideal of what could happen, and that of course a birth parent may come with issues that make it not so great for them to be around a child. Or the birth parent may not choose involvement. There are no absolutes or certainties in adoption, and there are many stories of adoptive parents, birth parents, and children who have had bad experiences. We are well aware of this, and feel for those people. Nonetheless, we do feel adoption can and is a wonderful option for family building.
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2013 20:52     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
These stories make me so glad we have an open adoption!
Anonymous
Post 12/08/2013 19:54     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
Does the birth mother count? Some adoptive parents think of that woman as just the incubator of their child and refuse to even send photographs.
The Capobiancos are suing Dusten Brown for $1mil dollars
Anonymous
Post 12/07/2013 06:43     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
My sister was surrendered for adoption the year after my mom graduated from high school. She was sent away in secret. Fast forward 10 years and my mother was married with 3 other children. My sister found us when she was 35 thanks to a carefully placed bribe to someone in Catholic Charities. It has been a great gift to us to know her, but her mom has never forgiven her for finding us nearly 10 years ago. They have barely spoken. Unfortunately, my mom has pretty significant mental illness, and while she loves my sister, she's way too needy to offer much in the way of a mother role (I've always been her caretaker). So my sister lost her real mother by seeking answers about her birth mother. She got answers, but now she essentially has no mother.

My mother was never a threat to my sister's birth mom. She's a terrible mother, albeit a wounded and generally gentle person. If my sister's birth mom had not been so vindictive, insecure, and selfish, she could have let her daughter get her questions answered and just celebrated with her when she did. Instead, she's cut off her nose to spite her face.

If you can't get beyond your fear of the birth family, you may not be a good candidate to adopt.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2013 13:24     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
Anonymous wrote:My son, now 45 was adopted at 2 days old. We raised him knowing that he was adopted and didn't keep it a secret at all. Since it took place in SC it was closed. Three years ago I went on line after watching the locator on TV. Typed in his name and DOB and the Hospital and Walla, I found his Birthparents. I didn't really expect to see anything. Once that was done, I had to tell him what I did. You know I thought that my son and I had a great relationship, the relationship between his wife and myself wasn't the greatest but it was alright. He has two little girls I love dearly. He contacted his birth mother and I thought that this could be a positive thing. We even all went to Disney World together. His Birth Mother and Father were 15 and 18 and decided to adopt him out because they were so young. To make a long story short, his birth father lived in Maine and was a Widower and his Birth Mother was a Widow in SC. They have since married 2 years ago. Scott was bestman, the grandchildren were flowergirls and My husband ( My sons adopted father died 10 years ago) and myself went to the wedding. Since then My Son and I have grown apart. He even said he could stop his relationship with me anytime he wanted too. His birth parents decided to move where my son and his family live. My daughter in law sold them a home not 10 mins from her mother and father and only 20 mins from theirs. They go to all the girls soccer games. I live 4 hours away and I am very left out. Now they are all having Thanksgiving together, all three families and they will have Christmas together as well. I wish I never look up his birth parents because I feel heart broken. I know he is older but my grandchildren are now calling them grandma and grandpa. We are just called by our first names. Do adopted parents count...NO NOT IN THIS CASE


This is tragic. Can you talk to him? Maybe the act of *you* seeking out his birth parents felt to him like a rejection, like you were ready to "hand back" their son (even if he wouldn't articulate it that way)? If you haven't done this very directly, you need to let him know that you care for and love him and his family deeply and want to be part of his life, and that you only sought out his birth parents in case it was something that would be meaningful to him, not because you wanted to stop being his parent. If he continues to push you away, just let him know that you will always be there for him should he change his mind in the future, that in your heart he will always be your son, and then try to find a way to move on with your life, perhaps by forming closer relationships with other parts of your family or volunteering in environments that give you a sense of connection. Good luck!!!!
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2013 12:35     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of an adopted child. She just told me she found her father and they have made multiple plans to get together. Yesterday she told me she wouldn't be home for Christmas because she was going to spend it with her birthfather. I am so hurt that she would ruin my husband's and my Christmas. I thought we were so close growing up but not the tables have turned. She has started to become distant and doesn't care how I feel at this loss. I know she has to find her roots but the way she has gone about it, leaves me empty. She said we will always be her parents but the comments say differently.


Something about this doesn't sound right. You seem to be thinking only of yourself - "I am so hurt she would ruin my husband's and my Christmas", she "doesn't care how I feel at this loss". Perhaps you haven't been thinking enough about how she feels, what she might be going through in this process of finding her birth father? Maybe she didn't tell you before because she thought you would disapprove or maybe she was even thinking that you would be upset or angered by her interest in her birth family.

As adoptive parents, it can be very painful and frightening for us when our children seek out their birth family. But the adopted person is also going through an incredibly complex emotional journey - they are revisiting the loss that they experienced as children (even if they were infants), they are trying to solve a longstanding mystery and are reconciling reality with the fantasy that they have probably always harboured, and they may be facing disappointment. They may also feel guilt or anger towards their adoptive family as part of the process. It sounds like fairly early days in the reunion of your daughter with her birth father, and I think the best thing you can do to retain your relationship with her is show your support, understanding and unconditional love, and don't push her away with negative reactions.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2013 09:07     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
OP,

What stories are you reading? Adoptive parents are not left out of the ones I've read and, through friends who've been adopted, heard. You have to think of the child. Of course they want to know their parents or at least mother ... You're both real, just in different ways. Finding your birth mother doesn't negate the adoptive parents.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2013 08:08     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
I am the parent of an adopted child. She just told me she found her father and they have made multiple plans to get together. Yesterday she told me she wouldn't be home for Christmas because she was going to spend it with her birthfather. I am so hurt that she would ruin my husband's and my Christmas. I thought we were so close growing up but not the tables have turned. She has started to become distant and doesn't care how I feel at this loss. I know she has to find her roots but the way she has gone about it, leaves me empty. She said we will always be her parents but the comments say differently.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2013 19:01     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
Anonymous wrote:My son, now 45 was adopted at 2 days old. We raised him knowing that he was adopted and didn't keep it a secret at all. Since it took place in SC it was closed. Three years ago I went on line after watching the locator on TV. Typed in his name and DOB and the Hospital and Walla, I found his Birthparents. I didn't really expect to see anything. Once that was done, I had to tell him what I did. You know I thought that my son and I had a great relationship, the relationship between his wife and myself wasn't the greatest but it was alright. He has two little girls I love dearly. He contacted his birth mother and I thought that this could be a positive thing. We even all went to Disney World together. His Birth Mother and Father were 15 and 18 and decided to adopt him out because they were so young. To make a long story short, his birth father lived in Maine and was a Widower and his Birth Mother was a Widow in SC. They have since married 2 years ago. Scott was bestman, the grandchildren were flowergirls and My husband ( My sons adopted father died 10 years ago) and myself went to the wedding. Since then My Son and I have grown apart. He even said he could stop his relationship with me anytime he wanted too. His birth parents decided to move where my son and his family live. My daughter in law sold them a home not 10 mins from her mother and father and only 20 mins from theirs. They go to all the girls soccer games. I live 4 hours away and I am very left out. Now they are all having Thanksgiving together, all three families and they will have Christmas together as well. I wish I never look up his birth parents because I feel heart broken. I know he is older but my grandchildren are now calling them grandma and grandpa. We are just called by our first names. Do adopted parents count...NO NOT IN THIS CASE
Wow, this is very sad. Was your son happy growing up? Did he ever complain as an adult about family disfunction?
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2013 16:29     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
My son, now 45 was adopted at 2 days old. We raised him knowing that he was adopted and didn't keep it a secret at all. Since it took place in SC it was closed. Three years ago I went on line after watching the locator on TV. Typed in his name and DOB and the Hospital and Walla, I found his Birthparents. I didn't really expect to see anything. Once that was done, I had to tell him what I did. You know I thought that my son and I had a great relationship, the relationship between his wife and myself wasn't the greatest but it was alright. He has two little girls I love dearly. He contacted his birth mother and I thought that this could be a positive thing. We even all went to Disney World together. His Birth Mother and Father were 15 and 18 and decided to adopt him out because they were so young. To make a long story short, his birth father lived in Maine and was a Widower and his Birth Mother was a Widow in SC. They have since married 2 years ago. Scott was bestman, the grandchildren were flowergirls and My husband ( My sons adopted father died 10 years ago) and myself went to the wedding. Since then My Son and I have grown apart. He even said he could stop his relationship with me anytime he wanted too. His birth parents decided to move where my son and his family live. My daughter in law sold them a home not 10 mins from her mother and father and only 20 mins from theirs. They go to all the girls soccer games. I live 4 hours away and I am very left out. Now they are all having Thanksgiving together, all three families and they will have Christmas together as well. I wish I never look up his birth parents because I feel heart broken. I know he is older but my grandchildren are now calling them grandma and grandpa. We are just called by our first names. Do adopted parents count...NO NOT IN THIS CASE
Anonymous
Post 11/07/2013 15:07     Subject: Do the adoptive parents "count" if/when the adopted child finds birth parent(s)?
Here is a different view, my sister was adopted by my uncle and aunt when she was born because my mother could not afford to care for my brothers and I, along with a forth child. It was the best decision she ever made and I often wish I was given up for adoption too since my mother was very abusive both mentally and physically. After the adoptation my uncle and aunt decided to remove themselves from our family. I never got to bond with my sister like I did with my brothers even though she was with relatives. She grow up in a loving home and I'm greatful for that but am also heartbroken that she doesn't want any contact with us. I always wanted a sister and from a selfish standpoint am upset I never got to grow up with her. My uncle and aunt are her only parents and in her head we don't count as siblings. I've tired reaching out but just get rejected. It hurts since it wasn't my choice but in the end I'm happy she didn't have to face the hardship my brothers and I did.