Reply to Skipped T-day dinner: Long - just wanting someone to listen

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Thanks for all the kind words.  DH gave me a heartfelt apology this morning and acknowledged what I was feeling.   I'm still feeling  a bit 'sick' and not quite sure what my direction will be.  I think I'll go back to individual counseling.  We've had lots of counseling over the years and have benefited greatly from it.  We've had the same counselor since before we were married and she's helped us understand the depression/ADHD dynamic as well as all the typical relationship issues.  Might be time to call her again for a 'course correction'.

For those who have suggested it, we've also worked with an ADHD/organizational coach who DH really liked.  She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but, if you've gone to counseling with a spouse before, you know that paying someone  somehow makes advice seem new and better.  It's not lack of knowledge or understanding that gets in the way.  It's a lack of initiation, lack of follow through or lack of consistency.  I can't 'make' DH do anything.  I can let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions but I have to shield the kids from his consequences and there are some things that I can't let him suffer if it will 'costs' me more (like filing taxes and things that impact one's credit report).  Believe me, I'm all about letting him suffer the natural/logical consequences when it doesn't 'cost' me too much (like replacing his lost cell phones with $35 replacements from eBay.  Can't count how many phones he's lost.  Shall we talk keys?  His car has remote locks but it costs way too much to replace the remote thingy.  He has to lock/unlock his car the old fashioned way).  Something a PP said about "auto pilot" really struck home.  That's the mode he's been in this last week.  In some ways, it's like a depression in that he can't see beyond himself.  I need to be more mindful of it and get him to snap out of it.

I do give DH tasks lists, try to keep the visual clutter to a minimum.  Gave him a debit card with a monthly limit that he uses for non-joint purchases (like [b]his fast food fix and trips to 7-11.[/b]  Before I got that card, he was spending more at 7-11 in a month than we did at the grocery store.  I know it's hard to believe but it's true.).  We have checklists by the door, have a 'staging' area, etc.  It's not just because of DH but so that our kids learn appropriate compensating strategies and to help keep me sane!  I do believe that my DH would like to do better but there's something that holds him back or interferes with his intentions.  I don't know why he won't take ADHD medication.  He takes medication for depression.  He can't give me an answer to that -just like he can't answer why he doesn't put things on the fucking calendar!  I don't want a divorce.  He's a good person, he's a good father, I still love him and it's not a bad situation for our kids.  I guess I just need to go back to counseling to figure out my next level of acceptance.......Thanks again for listening and your kind words.[/quote]

Well there you have some of the problem, OP. If your DH is dipping into junk food on a regular basis, that can't be helping his ADHD or his depression. Can you take away his debit card and give him gift cards to Whole Foods!! At least they sell "healthy" junk food without all those added chemicals.

You sound like you have so much on your plate, OP. Your DH is like another child. If I had to replace my DH's cell phone/keys/limit his debit card I'd go completely crazy!! Give yourself a pat on the back for coping and managing so much, as well as having kids with ADHD. Even superwoman needs to refuel sometimes. Let go of anything you can, OP. It sounds like you are burned out, and it will only get worse if you don't figure out how to do less. Your DH may have to fall much further before he realizes he has to make changes, starting with cutting out the junk food and exercising at the very, very least. [/quote]

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