OP here. We used Kim Smith Kidd from http://www.kimandlaurie.com/ . It's been a few years since we've used her but I would recommend her. I found she had more practical strategies than some of the other ADHD coaches out there. I've also heard good things about Psych Ed Coaches http://www.psychedcoaches.com/ . HTH

OP,

Can I ask the name of your ADHD coach? We're going through similar things. TIA

Anonymous wrote:Im not trying to be unsympathetic, but what's the crisis is here? And why is this explained as an ADHD problem? Your husband got ready to leave before you were ready, and you're so annoyed by this that you skip a family event on a holiday? I just don't get it.....

Damn, are you slow? Did you read her story?

OP - hugs to you. I have no experience with ADHD in a relationship, but I think I can relate at least a bit. My husband has multiple disabilities that were never an issue when we were dating, but which when we became parents were suddenly and unexpectedly overwhelming as parenting tasks turned out to be much harder for him to learn than either of us had expected. I took over everything and it unfortunately became a habit because he expressed such doubt and things still needed to happen. It's way better now, but in the meantime your post made me realize how much I'd love to have a forum for special needs parenting.

* You know what your DH is like and you prefer it to separating from him.

* You've developed solid strategies to contain the truly unbearable parts of your situation (like hundreds of dollars per month at 7-11).

* You already know everything a coach or a counselor might possibly tell you, and even things they haven't thought of yet.

You're signing up for this eyes wide open. So yes, your comment about "next level of acceptance" is probably exactly right. You're burning through a metric ton of energy trying to right all the ADHD in your little world.

OP glad you are feeling better but why can't the kids be exposed to the consequences? They are learning this behavior is ok and its moms job to do everything. Guilt is a wasted emotion. Cut yourself some slack. Kids would benefit from dad learning consequences.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the kind words. DH gave me a heartfelt apology this morning and acknowledged what I was feeling. I'm still feeling a bit 'sick' and not quite sure what my direction will be. I think I'll go back to individual counseling. We've had lots of counseling over the years and have benefited greatly from it. We've had the same counselor since before we were married and she's helped us understand the depression/ADHD dynamic as well as all the typical relationship issues. Might be time to call her again for a 'course correction'.

For those who have suggested it, we've also worked with an ADHD/organizational coach who DH really liked. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but, if you've gone to counseling with a spouse before, you know that paying someone somehow makes advice seem new and better. It's not lack of knowledge or understanding that gets in the way. It's a lack of initiation, lack of follow through or lack of consistency. I can't 'make' DH do anything. I can let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions but I have to shield the kids from his consequences and there are some things that I can't let him suffer if it will 'costs' me more (like filing taxes and things that impact one's credit report). Believe me, I'm all about letting him suffer the natural/logical consequences when it doesn't 'cost' me too much (like replacing his lost cell phones with $35 replacements from eBay. Can't count how many phones he's lost. Shall we talk keys? His car has remote locks but it costs way too much to replace the remote thingy. He has to lock/unlock his car the old fashioned way). Something a PP said about "auto pilot" really struck home. That's the mode he's been in this last week. In some ways, it's like a depression in that he can't see beyond himself. I need to be more mindful of it and get him to snap out of it.

I do give DH tasks lists, try to keep the visual clutter to a minimum. Gave him a debit card with a monthly limit that he uses for non-joint purchases (like his fast food fix and trips to 7-11. Before I got that card, he was spending more at 7-11 in a month than we did at the grocery store. I know it's hard to believe but it's true.). We have checklists by the door, have a 'staging' area, etc. It's not just because of DH but so that our kids learn appropriate compensating strategies and to help keep me sane! I do believe that my DH would like to do better but there's something that holds him back or interferes with his intentions. I don't know why he won't take ADHD medication. He takes medication for depression. He can't give me an answer to that -just like he can't answer why he doesn't put things on the fucking calendar! I don't want a divorce. He's a good person, he's a good father, I still love him and it's not a bad situation for our kids. I guess I just need to go back to counseling to figure out my next level of acceptance.......Thanks again for listening and your kind words.

Well there you have some of the problem, OP. If your DH is dipping into junk food on a regular basis, that can't be helping his ADHD or his depression. Can you take away his debit card and give him gift cards to Whole Foods!! At least they sell "healthy" junk food without all those added chemicals.

You sound like you have so much on your plate, OP. Your DH is like another child. If I had to replace my DH's cell phone/keys/limit his debit card I'd go completely crazy!! Give yourself a pat on the back for coping and managing so much, as well as having kids with ADHD. Even superwoman needs to refuel sometimes. Let go of anything you can, OP. It sounds like you are burned out, and it will only get worse if you don't figure out how to do less. Your DH may have to fall much further before he realizes he has to make changes, starting with cutting out the junk food and exercising at the very, very least.

Op. It really sounds like with the exception of DH not trying meds that you are doing all you can to make this work.

A breakdown now and then when you have a lot on your plate is bound to happen.

Individual counseling sounds good, even if it is just to give you a listening ear and validation.

Would your DH be open to a short trial of meds with no pressure to stay on them if he doesn't like them?

OP here. Thanks for all the kind words. DH gave me a heartfelt apology this morning and acknowledged what I was feeling. I'm still feeling a bit 'sick' and not quite sure what my direction will be. I think I'll go back to individual counseling. We've had lots of counseling over the years and have benefited greatly from it. We've had the same counselor since before we were married and she's helped us understand the depression/ADHD dynamic as well as all the typical relationship issues. Might be time to call her again for a 'course correction'.

For those who have suggested it, we've also worked with an ADHD/organizational coach who DH really liked. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but, if you've gone to counseling with a spouse before, you know that paying someone somehow makes advice seem new and better. It's not lack of knowledge or understanding that gets in the way. It's a lack of initiation, lack of follow through or lack of consistency. I can't 'make' DH do anything. I can let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions but I have to shield the kids from his consequences and there are some things that I can't let him suffer if it will 'costs' me more (like filing taxes and things that impact one's credit report). Believe me, I'm all about letting him suffer the natural/logical consequences when it doesn't 'cost' me too much (like replacing his lost cell phones with $35 replacements from eBay. Can't count how many phones he's lost. Shall we talk keys? His car has remote locks but it costs way too much to replace the remote thingy. He has to lock/unlock his car the old fashioned way). Something a PP said about "auto pilot" really struck home. That's the mode he's been in this last week. In some ways, it's like a depression in that he can't see beyond himself. I need to be more mindful of it and get him to snap out of it.

I do give DH tasks lists, try to keep the visual clutter to a minimum. Gave him a debit card with a monthly limit that he uses for non-joint purchases (like his fast food fix and trips to 7-11. Before I got that card, he was spending more at 7-11 in a month than we did at the grocery store. I know it's hard to believe but it's true.). We have checklists by the door, have a 'staging' area, etc. It's not just because of DH but so that our kids learn appropriate compensating strategies and to help keep me sane! I do believe that my DH would like to do better but there's something that holds him back or interferes with his intentions. I don't know why he won't take ADHD medication. He takes medication for depression. He can't give me an answer to that -just like he can't answer why he doesn't put things on the fucking calendar! I don't want a divorce. He's a good person, he's a good father, I still love him and it's not a bad situation for our kids. I guess I just need to go back to counseling to figure out my next level of acceptance.......Thanks again for listening and your kind words.

Anonymous wrote:My DH also had ADHD and it is hard, but my DH has been through counseling and manages as best he can by keeping check lists - like some of the PPs have mentioned - and we have a consistent division of tasks so he always knows that if it's a weekday, his tasks are A-J. We also have several timers set up through out the house so when he does go into his bathroom/man-cave, he doesn't get lost for an hour. It means that I have to be the flexible one - when there's an extra step one day, I'm the one to do it. I can never be the one to sleep in because his routine is that he gets up 15 minutes after I do and if I keep hitting snooze, he won't get up and start his tasks. DH also can't function where there's a mess in the house - the visual mess becomes confusion in his mind and it's hard for him to keep things straight.

I really recommend that you two go to some counseling together and if he's willing, he go on his own as well. It doesn't have to be indefinite, dragging on for months on end, but just a dozen sessions or so might be enough for him come up with a game plan and get started on its implementation. Some one who internally has a lot of chaos going on in his mind needs to compensate by creating a thorough external structure for himself to follow.

Lastly, how did your husband respond when you bowed out? Would you have been open to saying "I'm not ready yet and neither are the kids. If you're ready, you can take dishes 1, 2, & 3 and head over. We'll join you when we're ready."? I just know from my perspective, if my spouse at the last minute bowed out, I'd be really hurt. I know you were hurt too, but it sounds like there's not any malice on his part, so maybe there are ways you can respond in the moment that will remind him of the other responsibilities that need tending to.

Malice is having coping mechanisms and not using them. It is malicious on DH's part not to do what it takes to function better.

Ugh, OP. You sound just like me, only DH does NOT have ADHD or depression. He's not lazy either, he's just male. That's my conclusion. He simply does not notice whether or not the kids have their hats and gloves on, whether they've eaten or not, etc. He NEVER buys presents for any occasion for any of our children. He only buys gifts for me that I have chosen myself or asked our DC to help him choose. He doesn't buy his own clothes. Yesterday morning I sent him out to buy eggs, and he called me from the supermarket because he was overwhelmed by the choices. We've been married for 14 years! I always buy organic! How can he not have noticed in all that time???

The sad truth is that your DH is not that different from many men. His "male" behavior is exacerbated by his ADHD, but I don't think ADHD is at the root of it. MY DH often gets ready all by himself, stands by the door and yells at the kids to come, even though he hasn't taken care of food, the dog, etc. etc. all the things that must be done before we leave as a family.

We have had many talks about this, but I finally gave up. Now I submit a list to DH, each and every time we leave the house, either in written or oral form, that he must complete. Usually he does most of it, but often he forgets or gets so wrapped up in yelling at the kids to hurry that he leaves lunches on the kitchen counter, etc.

I am one of those who believe very strongly that diet affects behavior, and that some people are more sensitive to chemicals in our food/environment, which affect their behavior. If you google this, you'll find studies about diet and ADHD. NPR recently had a story about gut flora and mental health.

How is your DH's diet? I'm hyper careful to provide fresh, mostly organic, low-sugar food at home for everyone, so that's what DH eats (since he NEVER does any food shopping unless I send him out for a specific item). I do think diet helps, and recently I've been pushing nutritional supplements and a bit of exercise (walking the dog together, mostly) on him. It helps his mood and helps him focus better and "hear" when I ask him to do something for me.

No answers here, but I do sympathize, OP. You have to let go of things. I've let go of my dream of having a "perfect" house for one, or having pretty much "perfect" anything. If everyone's clothed and fed and safe, well, I stop there.

I write DH a lot of notes, and leave them on his briefcase, on the kitchen counter, taped to the bathroom mirror, which helps. And this is a man without ADHD. He's just a typical MALE! Yes, I know a few men who are much more involved with home/children, but a know many more who are more like my DH and yours.

Conserve your energy, OP, and give yourself more breaks as you did yesterday. Don't expect your DH to change on his own, as he won't. Good Luck to you.

"Following suicide attempts by several of their members while using EmpowerPlus, the Schizophrenia Society of Ontario commissioned an independent laboratory analysis of EmpowerPlus in mid-2001. The results were shocking from a research perspective: fully one-third of the 36 ingredients varied from the label by an excess of 10 to 70%. Since several ingredients exceeded the adult Tolerable Upper Limit as labeled, the variance detected was extremely worrisome. Such variance would likely confound data from the clinical trials.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your whole post and I am so sorry. I think even if a DH doesn't have ADHD, it's hard for a DW, and this cannot make it any easier.

I just want to share that it is my belief that 90% or more of men do the "if I'm ready, it's time to go" routine. Funny, I just posted about it yesterday on another thread. I really believe their brains aren't hardwired to see that the lights have to be turned off, the kids need help to get ready, the pets have to be taken care of…etc.

Since your husband is not open to prescription medication, I want to mention an OTC product that really helped my DH (depression but I think works for a lot of mental imbalances). It's called TrueHope and it has a very interesting Canadian history (and Harvard medical history). I found out about it from a Discover Magazine article a few years ago.

The article is totally fascinating (again, it wasn't an ad, it was an article in a mainstream science magazine)--I recommend looking at it to see if it might be on point.
http://discovermagazine.com/2005/may/vitamin-cure#.Upi_F6UZylI

and here is the website
truehope.com

Good luck, OP!

http://www.rainbowinvestigations.com/advocacy/truehope.php
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/mentally-ill-killer-tried-vitamin-therapy-court-told-1.1141861

I do think that nutritional supplements and vitamins and minerals can benefit overall health - both physical and mental, however I would caution anyone to do research before believing the TrueHope claim that it can "totally resolved Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Depression, Autism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Fibromyalgia".

PP poster here…of course, take it with a grain of salt. I'm just saying, it totally worked for my DH. Here DH is not open to prescription meds. This is a nutritional supplement…OP might be able to get him to take it, and if it even makes a little bit of difference it's worth a shot.

I know there are reports of people anecdotally saying it has worked and that is great. Lots of people find that fish oil and various other vitamins and minerals support their overall health. It can be dangerous though for people with diagnosed mental illnesses to go off their meds, and I don't want someone to come across the link and go to the website and think they can be cured by vitamins. The way the company markets the product is what is dangerous.

sorry; meant to say "Her DH is not open to prescription meds."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your whole post and I am so sorry. I think even if a DH doesn't have ADHD, it's hard for a DW, and this cannot make it any easier.

I just want to share that it is my belief that 90% or more of men do the "if I'm ready, it's time to go" routine. Funny, I just posted about it yesterday on another thread. I really believe their brains aren't hardwired to see that the lights have to be turned off, the kids need help to get ready, the pets have to be taken care of…etc.

Since your husband is not open to prescription medication, I want to mention an OTC product that really helped my DH (depression but I think works for a lot of mental imbalances). It's called TrueHope and it has a very interesting Canadian history (and Harvard medical history). I found out about it from a Discover Magazine article a few years ago.

The article is totally fascinating (again, it wasn't an ad, it was an article in a mainstream science magazine)--I recommend looking at it to see if it might be on point.
http://discovermagazine.com/2005/may/vitamin-cure#.Upi_F6UZylI

and here is the website
truehope.com

Good luck, OP!

http://www.rainbowinvestigations.com/advocacy/truehope.php
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/mentally-ill-killer-tried-vitamin-therapy-court-told-1.1141861

I do think that nutritional supplements and vitamins and minerals can benefit overall health - both physical and mental, however I would caution anyone to do research before believing the TrueHope claim that it can "totally resolved Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Depression, Autism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Fibromyalgia".

PP poster here…of course, take it with a grain of salt. I'm just saying, it totally worked for my DH. Here DH is not open to prescription meds. This is a nutritional supplement…OP might be able to get him to take it, and if it even makes a little bit of difference it's worth a shot.