Reply to Who Should Control A Couple's Sex Life

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As part of a couple on 3rd year of no sex, it might seem that the person who said no is in control.  But actually, if DH would just make a concerted effort, tell me why he loves me, notice what is great about me, provide no-obligation caresses and gratuitous affection, I would probably just melt; I'm pretty sure he could get whatever he wants.  He's not willing to work for it so that's why it doesn't happen.  So he controls.[/quote]

I'm sure you believe this. You say you would probably just melt. He probably thinks he's done these things with no results.

My wife thought this stuff too. So, I made a concerted effort and . . . there was no change in her level of desire. Finally we thought to ditch her hormonal IUD and, poof, my regular level of effort (which isn't bad but which isn't maximum either) was plenty to get her interested in sex.

When she was hormonally impaired, she was absolutely in control of our sex life or lack thereof. You can't reason a person into sexual attraction. So, talking it out was never going to work. Without attraction, the choices were between pity sex and no sex. I'm not sure which is worse.

The control is a function of making sexual fidelity a condition of marriage without also making sexual attention a condition of marriage. [/quote]

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