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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, a couple of things jump out at me here:

1) You are really flipping mad at this kid, even though some of your posts make it sound like you're trying to bury it or make nice with everyone. Your anger is perfectly reasonable if the situation is as you describe; but your SS has some justification for his resentment too. And geez, if I was the husband in the midst of this mess, I'd probably be angry and frustrated and worried about both my kids and my marriage.

2) The financial and emotional relationship between your DH and your SS is beyond your control. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it clearly is. You need to be able to sit with your husband and make clear your bottom lines - what financial protections do you need? what red lines are there with the SS's access to the house etc? And then let go of the rest.

3) You've responded a zillion times on this thread and never addressed what a bunch of us wrote last night - the only way you're going to get a handle on this situation is via a really good counselor, who can help all of you navigate all the anger, and hopefully create conditions that are more manageable for all of you. If I were in your shoes, finding a good counselor experienced with these kinds of dilemmas would be the top of my priority list. If you want to vent, and get lots of sympathy about your neerdowell SS, DCUM is great. But at a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your own situation - it's not going to get better on its own.[/quote]

OP here.  You have hit the nail on the head exactly, and you're absolutely right in calling me out for not responding to the most obvious and correct responses, which suggest that we need counseling.  We do.  My DH does. I do.  But it's what makes me despair the most, since my husband had been so angry and negative about even that suggestion.  We did do 6 sessions of premarital counseling but did not keep it up after the wedding as I had hoped we would.

You're also v perceptive w/#1...I'm really angry and trying to stuff it down and be nice isn't getting me anywhere but more seethingly angry.

What I plan to do:
1) Work on more acceptance of what is, regarding my stepson.  He is who he is.
2) find a counselor for me and propose marriage counseling for DH & me
3) come up with my bottom line...how much $ can I let go to DSS just to keep peace

I'm just not sure what to do I'd DH won't go to counseling.  I can't believe I'm despairing for our marriage over this!

Thanks to all for the thoughtful and kind replies.  [/quote]

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