Anonymous
09/15/2013 16:07
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
It's a tough situation, OP. I'm with those who think that it's really between you & your husband - in a marriage, the couple are ideally each other's primary influences and you two together decide what you want your marriage to be. When outside influences begin to intrude on that (especially when they have such a major impact, both emotionally and financially!), it's a problem and makes it super hard to be on the same page.
It sounds like you guys didn't have a real financial agreement (or at least to the level of specificity that you needed). This guy came into the marriage with significant debt and with the way things have been going, his continuing to say yes is going to push you (as a family) into financial trouble.
What does your husband say if presented with the straight facts about income and budget line items for your household? Like in as non-emotional as possible of a discussion? If logic (like continuing to sponsor a son at $x per year when we have y income and z expenses) can't add up for him and - more importantly - change his behavior, then he's not going to stop overspending... and while I know I don't know anything about you except this thread, it seems like he has been pretty clear about his financial priority.
What will you realistically need from him budgetwise (and possibly future planning-wise, like his pulling a fast one with the beneficiaries) in order to feel more stable? (And dare I add too, regain some trust in him...?)
It sounds like you guys didn't have a real financial agreement (or at least to the level of specificity that you needed). This guy came into the marriage with significant debt and with the way things have been going, his continuing to say yes is going to push you (as a family) into financial trouble.
What does your husband say if presented with the straight facts about income and budget line items for your household? Like in as non-emotional as possible of a discussion? If logic (like continuing to sponsor a son at $x per year when we have y income and z expenses) can't add up for him and - more importantly - change his behavior, then he's not going to stop overspending... and while I know I don't know anything about you except this thread, it seems like he has been pretty clear about his financial priority.
What will you realistically need from him budgetwise (and possibly future planning-wise, like his pulling a fast one with the beneficiaries) in order to feel more stable? (And dare I add too, regain some trust in him...?)
Anonymous
09/15/2013 14:56
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
14:51 again - I just realized that the title of this thread is "Help me not hate my adult stepson." There's your problem right there. You're not setting limits with your husband and your stepson and you would like to not be upset about how they're behaving. (Believe me, btdt)
But here's the thing, as hard as it will be to do this, if you learn to set limits with them both and stick with it (it will take a lot of work at first), you won't hate your adult stepson. You'll be able to pity him because his screwed up behavior won't be threatening to screw up your life anymore. Set limits. Say no. Then compassion may follow - or not - but you will feel better!
But here's the thing, as hard as it will be to do this, if you learn to set limits with them both and stick with it (it will take a lot of work at first), you won't hate your adult stepson. You'll be able to pity him because his screwed up behavior won't be threatening to screw up your life anymore. Set limits. Say no. Then compassion may follow - or not - but you will feel better!
Anonymous
09/15/2013 14:51
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Sounds like a good plan, OP. Like so many pps, I will say you have to accept that you can't change your stepson and you can't change your husband but you can decide what you will and will not accept. For example, don't tell your stepson he can live with you if he does A, B, and C when he has no record of doing A, B, and C and doesn't get punished for not doing it. Just tell him (and your husband) that he can't live with you. You don't have to justify it anymore. You have a baby and a family to take care of. Good luck!Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple of things jump out at me here:
1) You are really flipping mad at this kid, even though some of your posts make it sound like you're trying to bury it or make nice with everyone. Your anger is perfectly reasonable if the situation is as you describe; but your SS has some justification for his resentment too. And geez, if I was the husband in the midst of this mess, I'd probably be angry and frustrated and worried about both my kids and my marriage.
2) The financial and emotional relationship between your DH and your SS is beyond your control. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it clearly is. You need to be able to sit with your husband and make clear your bottom lines - what financial protections do you need? what red lines are there with the SS's access to the house etc? And then let go of the rest.
3) You've responded a zillion times on this thread and never addressed what a bunch of us wrote last night - the only way you're going to get a handle on this situation is via a really good counselor, who can help all of you navigate all the anger, and hopefully create conditions that are more manageable for all of you. If I were in your shoes, finding a good counselor experienced with these kinds of dilemmas would be the top of my priority list. If you want to vent, and get lots of sympathy about your neerdowell SS, DCUM is great. But at a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your own situation - it's not going to get better on its own.
OP here. You have hit the nail on the head exactly, and you're absolutely right in calling me out for not responding to the most obvious and correct responses, which suggest that we need counseling. We do. My DH does. I do. But it's what makes me despair the most, since my husband had been so angry and negative about even that suggestion. We did do 6 sessions of premarital counseling but did not keep it up after the wedding as I had hoped we would.
You're also v perceptive w/#1...I'm really angry and trying to stuff it down and be nice isn't getting me anywhere but more seethingly angry.
What I plan to do:
1) Work on more acceptance of what is, regarding my stepson. He is who he is.
2) find a counselor for me and propose marriage counseling for DH & me
3) come up with my bottom line...how much $ can I let go to DSS just to keep peace
I'm just not sure what to do I'd DH won't go to counseling. I can't believe I'm despairing for our marriage over this!
Thanks to all for the thoughtful and kind replies.
Anonymous
09/15/2013 11:16
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP, the only thing I would suggest is to try to come to an agreement with your DH about your stepson and money. I wouldn't worry about the other stuff right now. I would just get that squared away. Your stepson might get better as he gets older, he may not, it's hard to say but right now I would focus on your relationship with DH and making some compromises here. get counseling too! (couples counseling)
Anonymous
09/15/2013 10:55
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP,
This is rough. I do hope you find some compassion for this kid. He's not in a good place ... he's lost. He might be much, much angrier than you. He might wish his dad was unattached, he might resent the new sibling. He might resent having to deal with you and his dad on all this, even if you're in the background, because he knows his dad's decisions are influenced by you. The economy is in the tank, he's lucky he's earning what he's earning.
As for PP's take the the finances are beyond your control, I don't think that's the case. There is overlap, since you contribute to your household's finances. It's complicated. Unless DH is drawing down from premarital savings. (Are there none?)
Your plan sounds good. This boy could use counseling, too.
Finally, careful what you post. Lots of details here that might this situation identifiable. Does DH know about this post?
This is rough. I do hope you find some compassion for this kid. He's not in a good place ... he's lost. He might be much, much angrier than you. He might wish his dad was unattached, he might resent the new sibling. He might resent having to deal with you and his dad on all this, even if you're in the background, because he knows his dad's decisions are influenced by you. The economy is in the tank, he's lucky he's earning what he's earning.
As for PP's take the the finances are beyond your control, I don't think that's the case. There is overlap, since you contribute to your household's finances. It's complicated. Unless DH is drawing down from premarital savings. (Are there none?)
Your plan sounds good. This boy could use counseling, too.
Finally, careful what you post. Lots of details here that might this situation identifiable. Does DH know about this post?
Anonymous
09/14/2013 13:19
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple of things jump out at me here:
1) You are really flipping mad at this kid, even though some of your posts make it sound like you're trying to bury it or make nice with everyone. Your anger is perfectly reasonable if the situation is as you describe; but your SS has some justification for his resentment too. And geez, if I was the husband in the midst of this mess, I'd probably be angry and frustrated and worried about both my kids and my marriage.
2) The financial and emotional relationship between your DH and your SS is beyond your control. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it clearly is. You need to be able to sit with your husband and make clear your bottom lines - what financial protections do you need? what red lines are there with the SS's access to the house etc? And then let go of the rest.
3) You've responded a zillion times on this thread and never addressed what a bunch of us wrote last night - the only way you're going to get a handle on this situation is via a really good counselor, who can help all of you navigate all the anger, and hopefully create conditions that are more manageable for all of you. If I were in your shoes, finding a good counselor experienced with these kinds of dilemmas would be the top of my priority list. If you want to vent, and get lots of sympathy about your neerdowell SS, DCUM is great. But at a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your own situation - it's not going to get better on its own.
OP here. You have hit the nail on the head exactly, and you're absolutely right in calling me out for not responding to the most obvious and correct responses, which suggest that we need counseling. We do. My DH does. I do. But it's what makes me despair the most, since my husband had been so angry and negative about even that suggestion. We did do 6 sessions of premarital counseling but did not keep it up after the wedding as I had hoped we would.
You're also v perceptive w/#1...I'm really angry and trying to stuff it down and be nice isn't getting me anywhere but more seethingly angry.
What I plan to do:
1) Work on more acceptance of what is, regarding my stepson. He is who he is.
2) find a counselor for me and propose marriage counseling for DH & me
3) come up with my bottom line...how much $ can I let go to DSS just to keep peace
I'm just not sure what to do I'd DH won't go to counseling. I can't believe I'm despairing for our marriage over this!
Thanks to all for the thoughtful and kind replies.
Anonymous
09/14/2013 12:29
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP, you have been stuck in an awful situation. If I were you, I would have bailed months ago.
Propose this: ask your DH how much money, per month, he wants to be able to give your stepson. Ask him to agree that you will not go over that amount. Budget for that amount (if it's reasonable). Explain that you will no longer fight about SS - that he is to have all communication with him and you don't want to hear about it. Explain that if he gives him more than the agreed-upon amount each month, you will leave to protect yourself and your son.
I can't see anything else that would work. Very sorry you're going through this.
Propose this: ask your DH how much money, per month, he wants to be able to give your stepson. Ask him to agree that you will not go over that amount. Budget for that amount (if it's reasonable). Explain that you will no longer fight about SS - that he is to have all communication with him and you don't want to hear about it. Explain that if he gives him more than the agreed-upon amount each month, you will leave to protect yourself and your son.
I can't see anything else that would work. Very sorry you're going through this.
Anonymous
09/14/2013 12:29
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Put aside issues like him not holding the baby. You can't control that and it's not your place.
However, your financial health is your business. You need to sit down with dh and discuss the financial aspect of this. I'm thinking separate accounts. Keep as much money to yourself as you can.
It is your business who is the beneficiary of life insurance, be ause who pays for it? Both of your incomes
However, your financial health is your business. You need to sit down with dh and discuss the financial aspect of this. I'm thinking separate accounts. Keep as much money to yourself as you can.
It is your business who is the beneficiary of life insurance, be ause who pays for it? Both of your incomes
Anonymous
09/14/2013 12:25
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP, please stop trying to be so understanding towards this spoiled brat. For whatever reasons he is screwed, you didn't do it and its not your fault.
You need to separate yourself from unhealthy relations with unhealthy people.
This one is not your problem, since DH does not partake in solving it.
You need to separate yourself from unhealthy relations with unhealthy people.
This one is not your problem, since DH does not partake in solving it.
Anonymous
09/14/2013 12:12
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Separate budgets stat. I hope you are not a sahm. (I am on page 1).
This jerk won't change and its fine to defend yourself and your child. Hating is fine, too, but not worth it.
This jerk won't change and its fine to defend yourself and your child. Hating is fine, too, but not worth it.
Anonymous
09/14/2013 10:51
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP, a couple of things jump out at me here:
1) You are really flipping mad at this kid, even though some of your posts make it sound like you're trying to bury it or make nice with everyone. Your anger is perfectly reasonable if the situation is as you describe; but your SS has some justification for his resentment too. And geez, if I was the husband in the midst of this mess, I'd probably be angry and frustrated and worried about both my kids and my marriage.
2) The financial and emotional relationship between your DH and your SS is beyond your control. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it clearly is. You need to be able to sit with your husband and make clear your bottom lines - what financial protections do you need? what red lines are there with the SS's access to the house etc? And then let go of the rest.
3) You've responded a zillion times on this thread and never addressed what a bunch of us wrote last night - the only way you're going to get a handle on this situation is via a really good counselor, who can help all of you navigate all the anger, and hopefully create conditions that are more manageable for all of you. If I were in your shoes, finding a good counselor experienced with these kinds of dilemmas would be the top of my priority list. If you want to vent, and get lots of sympathy about your neerdowell SS, DCUM is great. But at a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your own situation - it's not going to get better on its own.
1) You are really flipping mad at this kid, even though some of your posts make it sound like you're trying to bury it or make nice with everyone. Your anger is perfectly reasonable if the situation is as you describe; but your SS has some justification for his resentment too. And geez, if I was the husband in the midst of this mess, I'd probably be angry and frustrated and worried about both my kids and my marriage.
2) The financial and emotional relationship between your DH and your SS is beyond your control. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it clearly is. You need to be able to sit with your husband and make clear your bottom lines - what financial protections do you need? what red lines are there with the SS's access to the house etc? And then let go of the rest.
3) You've responded a zillion times on this thread and never addressed what a bunch of us wrote last night - the only way you're going to get a handle on this situation is via a really good counselor, who can help all of you navigate all the anger, and hopefully create conditions that are more manageable for all of you. If I were in your shoes, finding a good counselor experienced with these kinds of dilemmas would be the top of my priority list. If you want to vent, and get lots of sympathy about your neerdowell SS, DCUM is great. But at a certain point, you have to take responsibility for your own situation - it's not going to get better on its own.
Anonymous
09/14/2013 10:41
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
Anonymous wrote:I think the problem is your husband. Until DH realizes he's doing (or he's done) a disservice to his man-child, you'll never have peace. I think a kid that age can easily be a lazy flake about mowing the lawn or failing classes, but mooching off parents and step-parents for large amounts of money? That will never end until someone makes him stand - or fall - on his own.
This. You guys are enabling him and you need your husbands agreement to stop. You and DH should work this through with a counselor.
-stepmom
Anonymous
09/14/2013 10:32
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
DH's excuse seems to be that he can't stand firm or his son will just go to his mom's and DH won't see him. DH needs to be willing to sacrifice his time with his son in the now for his son's best interest later. If his son keeps bein shielded from the effects of his choices, he is going to spiral farther and farther from a happy, successful life, and possibly get himself into serious trouble. DH can keep doing what SS wants in order to maintain a relationship now, or he can say, "I love you, but you will have no more money from me until you have a goal to work towards, be it college, a career you love, starting your own business, etc. but there are no more gifts and no more bailouts." If he does that, SS will hate him and refuse to see his father for years, but if/when he finally realizes that living this way forever isn't going to take him anywhere he will actually have someone to turn to. Inthe mean time, keep setting aside that money and when DS finds his way out o this extended adolescence you will have something to contribute (or when he gets some poor stupid girl pregnant you will have something for your grandchild).
Anonymous
09/14/2013 10:06
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
10:01 pp again.
My BIL and his wife have the same problem with their adult son. Although not divorced, they have an extremely conflictual relationship which their son milks to his perceived advantage (actually not, like flunking out of every university you can think of, despite perfect SATs). Same relationship: SIL always gives in, and BIL has attempted to give tough love but is not consistent. If he was, it would change everything.
My BIL and his wife have the same problem with their adult son. Although not divorced, they have an extremely conflictual relationship which their son milks to his perceived advantage (actually not, like flunking out of every university you can think of, despite perfect SATs). Same relationship: SIL always gives in, and BIL has attempted to give tough love but is not consistent. If he was, it would change everything.
Anonymous
09/14/2013 10:01
Subject: Please help me not hate my adult stepson
OP,
Your problem is with your husband, as you know, not with SS. SS will take many many years to grow up, or might be a lost cause. That should not make you hate him or even resent him. Actually don't think of him in emotional terms at all.
You should persuade DH not to enable his son, with the help of a third party or parties your husband respects and listens to: a therapist, a trusted friend, both probably. That is the goal, and it's a difficult one. It means setting CONSISTENT boundaries. It means saying:
"No more money for you unless you sign up for college again and pass all your classes."
It means not seeing his son who will hide at his mother's. It means resisting the urge to be a doormat just to see his son or hear his voice!
This will be all the more effective if his mother cannot support him for ever.
I would have ZERO problems implementing these rules with my kids because I know that tough love would benefit my child in the long-term, even with a pushover mother in the background. In a few years, SS will probably realize that being forced to live up to his responsibilities was actually the greatest gift his father could ever give him. It will take some time
I trust you can do this.
There are 2 alternatives.
One is divorce.
The other is to shut your eyes to all this, and focus on raising your own children.
Good luck.