Reply to Depression - Is it a cop out?

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm parsing from a PP:

[quote] It IS selfish to suffer from depression for extended period of time and not get treatment for it. It can appear as laziness and a cop-out when you are unable to get out of bed and function.

All of this to say, you don't have to create excuses to people with depression, but I think calling it a cop out and "lazy" is not productive. You can certainly require (as you should) that they get treatment and meds, and you don't have to neglect yourself in the process, but this is a sickness and it's certainly wasn't something I could just snap out of. [/quote]

My DH has suffered from depression for many years - even before we were married.  He also has anxiety and ADHD.  What I've learned over the years is that these are 'co-morbid' conditions and if you have one, you frequently have the others and they negatively reinforce each other.  Untreated, long term depression alters the brain and the longer it's untreated, the more difficult the recovery.  It's uncommon to recover from long term depression without medication - that's how significant the brain changes are.  Even with medication, it can take a long time to get back on track and the effectiveness of medications can fade over time requiring 'tinkering'.

My marriage has suffered significantly from my DH's disorders but I've stuck with it because he's been willing to seek treatment.  It sometimes takes some effort to get through to him that he's starting to cycle into a depression but he knows that if he wants to stay married then he needs to do something about it.  I've been the one to find him a psychiatrist (several, actually, over the years), make the appointment, get him to the appointment, get his prescriptions filled and make sure he takes it.  But, I do this because I recognize he's not in a position to do it himself (although to the [i]ignari[/i]this may seem like 'laziness' and that I'm enabling him).

A few years ago, my DH was in a full blown, long term depression and he was resistant to making efforts to improve his mental health.  We've got 3 kids (2 with SNs), I WOH and for a year did pretty much everything associated with the house and the kids.  I ended up being depressed myself - and there's research that depression can be 'caught'.  Unlike OP's situation, my depression doesn't manifest itself as tiredness and laziness, I get short tempered, irritable and poor emotional regulation.  I'm perfectly capable of handling work and routines, I just found little happiness in life and seemed to be constantly PMSing.  I started taking an SSRI and soon felt like my old self again.  I had my old resiliency.  I gave my DH an ultimatum, which he knew I would carry through on, and he sought treatment.

So, the whole point of this is that I agree with the PP that it IS selfish to suffer from depression and not seek treatment.  I carry far more weight than my DH does but I accept that as long as he continues to treat his depression.  I know there will be times when his medications may not be effective and I’ve accepted the impact they have on our sex life.  My DH is a wonderful person and I’m willing to help him.  But, I will not tolerate him succumbing to long term depression.  You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. Our kids and I deserve better than that.

OP, you need to be careful not to compare your depression with your DW’s.  You should also decide what you’re willing to live with.  If you’re not willing to live like you are now, you need to decide how you will change it.  I do suggest you discuss this with your wife.  Give her the ultimatum I gave my DH – get treatment or this marriage is over.  Find her a psychiatrist, make her appointments, whatever it takes to get her on the road to recover - if she wants it.  Good luck.
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