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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sure, all of the above. But being in my 50s and seeing pretty much all my friends get married, and having the benefit to see which marriages last and which don't.....

The biggest correlation is mental health issues.  Mental health issues honestly drive almost all the things people mention in the previous posts.

Google AI says 25% of people suffer mental health issues in any year - depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, personality disorders, asd.  But obviously depression and anxiety are the biggest bucket, and they can come and go.  So 25% in any year, results in much higher numbers of marriages impacted over the life of the marriage.   Legit mental health issues run through probably 50% of our friends marriages (which incidentally tracks with the 25% number - assuming only one half of the couple is struggling with mental health).

I look through the recent divorces in our world, and can pinpoint: 
- ADHD/depression/bipolar as the clear reason for divorce
- severe depression 
- ASD plus sex addiction (daily prostitutes - ugh)

Those are all diagnosed. My best friend's husband has SOMETHING going on but refuses to diagnose. My guess is BPD. They'll divorce soon enough.

In short, while plenty of marriages last through the mental health issues, the divorces i know were all directly linked to mental health issues.  So while i can't answer OP's question of what makes the good relationships good, the bad ones are clearly mental health related. [/quote]

I used to agree with this until I dated a man who had zero mental health issues whatsoever. Like, he had literally seen a therapist since everyone was doing it, and the therapist was all "you're good, no need to see anyone".

He was really difficult to be with. It was like dating Joy from Inside Out. He'd try to empathize with people, but couldn't at all because he was just so freaking happy all the time. I don't have any severe issues, but I do get sad, depressed, anxious, stressed from time to time like any normal human. And he didn't know how to be supportive at all beyond just "be positive!". Or worse, making the absolute cringiest jokes imaginable to try to "cheer me up".

Now, if it's mental health issues they can't seem to shake, that's worth dumping over. My xH had ADHD and chronic depression, and it was awful. But I do want someone who has the normal spectrum of human emotions.[/quote]

Sounds like the guy could have used some therapy to address his toxic positivity. That can be just as damaging as being depressed. I also doubt a therapist would tell him he has absolutely nothing to work on. [/quote]

PP. I don’t necessarily think it was toxic positivity. It wasn’t that he couldn’t tolerate other emotions in people, he just couldn’t relate to them or understand them. He really just was happy all the time, like a Labrador. I don’t know if he just had extra serotonin or what. But he was also successful, handsome, and had tons of friends who loved him. And extremely extroverted, the most extroverted person I’ve ever met.

I don’t know what he would have worked on with a therapist. Maybe how to be more empathetic? It was weird, because it wasn’t like previous men I’ve dated where they try to shut down your emotions or argue with you. If I was upset over something he did, he would apologize, make it right, and not do it again, but it always felt like he didn’t truly *understand* why I would be upset. [/quote]

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