Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

That's a really sad commentary on life. I can't speak for others, but I know I'm in a happy marriage. It's not perfect, because people aren't perfect and life is hard, so yeah, we get annoyed with each other sometimes, but we've been married for 15 years, together for longer than that, we have two middle school kids, we both work full-time, and we've been through the death of three parents, job changes, moves, death of pets, etc. You can believe me or not but our marriage is good. I have one other friend couple of whom I would confidently say the same, probably two. But they're my two best friends of many decades and we know a lot about each other's lives.

I think there are just stages of life that are not happy sometimes. For example DD had a rare health condition. For years it was very hard. I did not feel that DH really had a grasp of what was going on or was supportive emotionally. I would not call my marriage happy in those years, I don’t really know what I want thinking about the marriage. But he was there. He was driving us halfway across the country to appointments, he was sitting beside me in the hospital, he was often very confused about the medical stuff and not really able to connect with my concerns, but he was there. And sometimes that really is enough. Your spouse is your person that you walk through life with and it’s not necessarily the happiest and he’s not necessarily the best match for you but you know what, sometimes just being there is enough.

So to the original PP's point, even during that really tough time, I'd say if she looked under the surface (where you were both probably outwardly unhappy), she would see that your marriage was good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 34 years into a great marriage and what makes mine work is two things: shared values (including about money) and that we're genuinely nice to each other all the time.

Not quite as deep as you, but agree with these points broadly. My husband and I have always agreed on the following:

1. Family is the most important thing.
2. He leads the family.
3. We make unique contributions to the family. For instance, we don't "split" chores. I do laundry. He does repairs. I do the checkbook and he handles investments. Our work is complementary.
4. All resources, including money, belong to the family. We don't have rules about what to discuss, but we have never fought over money. It helps that we make a comfortable living, but we are by no means loaded. Because the family comes first, we know what we prioritize in terms of family resources.
5. We communicate well. If there is a disagreement, I defer to him. He is almost always right and has much better judgment than I.
6. I get to pick vacations. He doesn't care much.
7. It helps that he's attractive and personable. If I died tomorrow, women would clamor for him. I still can't believe he chose me. Attraction comes at a price because those guys get their pick of the litter, so to speak.
8. Related to #7, I made a choice when we got serious that his job came first. I would have thrown my career away for him, if he had asked. It didn't come to that, but prioritizing our relationship is the best decision I've ever made. All the best things in my life followed that decision, and I'd make it again tomorrow, if I could. The only thing I asked from him was serious commitment, and he proposed six month after we started dating. That's unusual in our circles, but he was serious about family, too. That's been the core shared value. See #1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, all of the above. But being in my 50s and seeing pretty much all my friends get married, and having the benefit to see which marriages last and which don't.....

The biggest correlation is mental health issues. Mental health issues honestly drive almost all the things people mention in the previous posts.

Google AI says 25% of people suffer mental health issues in any year - depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, personality disorders, asd. But obviously depression and anxiety are the biggest bucket, and they can come and go. So 25% in any year, results in much higher numbers of marriages impacted over the life of the marriage. Legit mental health issues run through probably 50% of our friends marriages (which incidentally tracks with the 25% number - assuming only one half of the couple is struggling with mental health).

I look through the recent divorces in our world, and can pinpoint:
- ADHD/depression/bipolar as the clear reason for divorce
- severe depression
- ASD plus sex addiction (daily prostitutes - ugh)

Those are all diagnosed. My best friend's husband has SOMETHING going on but refuses to diagnose. My guess is BPD. They'll divorce soon enough.

In short, while plenty of marriages last through the mental health issues, the divorces i know were all directly linked to mental health issues. So while i can't answer OP's question of what makes the good relationships good, the bad ones are clearly mental health related.

My mental health took a severe downturn when my partner consistently neglected our relationship despite my efforts to reconnect.
My friend’s mental health suffered when her DH cheated on her.
My mother’s mental health suffered when she shouldered 95% of all childrearing and household work.

None of this happens in a vacuum. People like to think that cheating and mental illness are inherent flaws in humans, but they are invariably a product of their environment, a main part of which is their primary relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Sure, all of the above. But being in my 50s and seeing pretty much all my friends get married, and having the benefit to see which marriages last and which don't.....

The biggest correlation is mental health issues. Mental health issues honestly drive almost all the things people mention in the previous posts.

Google AI says 25% of people suffer mental health issues in any year - depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, personality disorders, asd. But obviously depression and anxiety are the biggest bucket, and they can come and go. So 25% in any year, results in much higher numbers of marriages impacted over the life of the marriage. Legit mental health issues run through probably 50% of our friends marriages (which incidentally tracks with the 25% number - assuming only one half of the couple is struggling with mental health).

I look through the recent divorces in our world, and can pinpoint:
- ADHD/depression/bipolar as the clear reason for divorce
- severe depression
- ASD plus sex addiction (daily prostitutes - ugh)

Those are all diagnosed. My best friend's husband has SOMETHING going on but refuses to diagnose. My guess is BPD. They'll divorce soon enough.

In short, while plenty of marriages last through the mental health issues, the divorces i know were all directly linked to mental health issues. So while i can't answer OP's question of what makes the good relationships good, the bad ones are clearly mental health related.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A sense of humor. Empathy. The ability to say you're sorry.

Also, don't doubt that your friend is just good at picking the right people for her. My best friend is in a happy marriage but I'd never want to be married to her husband.

The people I know in (outwardly at least) happy marriages really appreciate each other’s strengths. I think there was even research that showed that when couples are like that, both partners make the effort to be better people and it’s a positive feedback loop.

But often when I meet men in those marriages I realize I wouldn’t be the one who appreciates him. 😂🤣😂

Weirdly, on the rare occasion I meet a guy who is very attractive and kind, their wives often seem kind of over them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

That's a really sad commentary on life. I can't speak for others, but I know I'm in a happy marriage. It's not perfect, because people aren't perfect and life is hard, so yeah, we get annoyed with each other sometimes, but we've been married for 15 years, together for longer than that, we have two middle school kids, we both work full-time, and we've been through the death of three parents, job changes, moves, death of pets, etc. You can believe me or not but our marriage is good. I have one other friend couple of whom I would confidently say the same, probably two. But they're my two best friends of many decades and we know a lot about each other's lives.

I think there are just stages of life that are not happy sometimes. For example DD had a rare health condition. For years it was very hard. I did not feel that DH really had a grasp of what was going on or was supportive emotionally. I would not call my marriage happy in those years, I don’t really know what I want thinking about the marriage. But he was there. He was driving us halfway across the country to appointments, he was sitting beside me in the hospital, he was often very confused about the medical stuff and not really able to connect with my concerns, but he was there. And sometimes that really is enough. Your spouse is your person that you walk through life with and it’s not necessarily the happiest and he’s not necessarily the best match for you but you know what, sometimes just being there is enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, all of the above. But being in my 50s and seeing pretty much all my friends get married, and having the benefit to see which marriages last and which don't.....

The biggest correlation is mental health issues. Mental health issues honestly drive almost all the things people mention in the previous posts.

Google AI says 25% of people suffer mental health issues in any year - depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, personality disorders, asd. But obviously depression and anxiety are the biggest bucket, and they can come and go. So 25% in any year, results in much higher numbers of marriages impacted over the life of the marriage. Legit mental health issues run through probably 50% of our friends marriages (which incidentally tracks with the 25% number - assuming only one half of the couple is struggling with mental health).

I look through the recent divorces in our world, and can pinpoint:
- ADHD/depression/bipolar as the clear reason for divorce
- severe depression
- ASD plus sex addiction (daily prostitutes - ugh)

Those are all diagnosed. My best friend's husband has SOMETHING going on but refuses to diagnose. My guess is BPD. They'll divorce soon enough.

In short, while plenty of marriages last through the mental health issues, the divorces i know were all directly linked to mental health issues. So while i can't answer OP's question of what makes the good relationships good, the bad ones are clearly mental health related.

I used to agree with this until I dated a man who had zero mental health issues whatsoever. Like, he had literally seen a therapist since everyone was doing it, and the therapist was all "you're good, no need to see anyone".

He was really difficult to be with. It was like dating Joy from Inside Out. He'd try to empathize with people, but couldn't at all because he was just so freaking happy all the time. I don't have any severe issues, but I do get sad, depressed, anxious, stressed from time to time like any normal human. And he didn't know how to be supportive at all beyond just "be positive!". Or worse, making the absolute cringiest jokes imaginable to try to "cheer me up".

Now, if it's mental health issues they can't seem to shake, that's worth dumping over. My xH had ADHD and chronic depression, and it was awful. But I do want someone who has the normal spectrum of human emotions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, all of the above. But being in my 50s and seeing pretty much all my friends get married, and having the benefit to see which marriages last and which don't.....

The biggest correlation is mental health issues. Mental health issues honestly drive almost all the things people mention in the previous posts.

Google AI says 25% of people suffer mental health issues in any year - depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, personality disorders, asd. But obviously depression and anxiety are the biggest bucket, and they can come and go. So 25% in any year, results in much higher numbers of marriages impacted over the life of the marriage. Legit mental health issues run through probably 50% of our friends marriages (which incidentally tracks with the 25% number - assuming only one half of the couple is struggling with mental health).

I look through the recent divorces in our world, and can pinpoint:
- ADHD/depression/bipolar as the clear reason for divorce
- severe depression
- ASD plus sex addiction (daily prostitutes - ugh)

Those are all diagnosed. My best friend's husband has SOMETHING going on but refuses to diagnose. My guess is BPD. They'll divorce soon enough.

In short, while plenty of marriages last through the mental health issues, the divorces i know were all directly linked to mental health issues. So while i can't answer OP's question of what makes the good relationships good, the bad ones are clearly mental health related.

I used to agree with this until I dated a man who had zero mental health issues whatsoever. Like, he had literally seen a therapist since everyone was doing it, and the therapist was all "you're good, no need to see anyone".

He was really difficult to be with. It was like dating Joy from Inside Out. He'd try to empathize with people, but couldn't at all because he was just so freaking happy all the time. I don't have any severe issues, but I do get sad, depressed, anxious, stressed from time to time like any normal human. And he didn't know how to be supportive at all beyond just "be positive!". Or worse, making the absolute cringiest jokes imaginable to try to "cheer me up".

Now, if it's mental health issues they can't seem to shake, that's worth dumping over. My xH had ADHD and chronic depression, and it was awful. But I do want someone who has the normal spectrum of human emotions.

Sounds like the guy could have used some therapy to address his toxic positivity. That can be just as damaging as being depressed. I also doubt a therapist would tell him he has absolutely nothing to work on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

That's a really sad commentary on life. I can't speak for others, but I know I'm in a happy marriage. It's not perfect, because people aren't perfect and life is hard, so yeah, we get annoyed with each other sometimes, but we've been married for 15 years, together for longer than that, we have two middle school kids, we both work full-time, and we've been through the death of three parents, job changes, moves, death of pets, etc. You can believe me or not but our marriage is good. I have one other friend couple of whom I would confidently say the same, probably two. But they're my two best friends of many decades and we know a lot about each other's lives.

I think there are just stages of life that are not happy sometimes. For example DD had a rare health condition. For years it was very hard. I did not feel that DH really had a grasp of what was going on or was supportive emotionally. I would not call my marriage happy in those years, I don’t really know what I want thinking about the marriage. But he was there. He was driving us halfway across the country to appointments, he was sitting beside me in the hospital, he was often very confused about the medical stuff and not really able to connect with my concerns, but he was there. And sometimes that really is enough. Your spouse is your person that you walk through life with and it’s not necessarily the happiest and he’s not necessarily the best match for you but you know what, sometimes just being there is enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

That's a really sad commentary on life. I can't speak for others, but I know I'm in a happy marriage. It's not perfect, because people aren't perfect and life is hard, so yeah, we get annoyed with each other sometimes, but we've been married for 15 years, together for longer than that, we have two middle school kids, we both work full-time, and we've been through the death of three parents, job changes, moves, death of pets, etc. You can believe me or not but our marriage is good. I have one other friend couple of whom I would confidently say the same, probably two. But they're my two best friends of many decades and we know a lot about each other's lives.