Reply to DH's angry parenting is ruining our family

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for the helpful responses. As to the divorce depabte, ther eality is that the courts award 50% custody by default unless there is serious documented physical abuse, which our situation doesn't qualify as. He has never thrown anything at our child like a PP suggested. He has for example thrown her backpack angrily down the stairs when she won't get ready for school. But that's why I photographed the mark, to start compiling evidence in case we do get to divorce territory someday. But just one photo of a red mark won't alter the 50% default. That's why I'm not divorcing; I refuse to give up my kids. It's easy to say "Oh I'd never let my husband do that, he'd be gone in a heartbeat" until you actually think it through and look up divorce laws. I do think I can get him to make the effort to change, because I've pulled away from him physically and emotionally, and he'll want to change that, even if he won't change for his kids.

And yes, his father was angry irritable and physical as well, so that's a factor. Turns out he had undiagnosed depression for my DH's whole childhood, so I that's why I think that's a possibility for DH. NOw his dad is on meds and way more calm.

Thanks for the recommendation for the PEP class, I'll definitely look into that.

Also, I'm not a permissive parent; we have several tools that I use to enforce loving boundaries, including 1-2-3- timeout, saying "try again", natural consequences, etc. My husband always forgets to use them no matter how many times I remind him. I'm not perfect either; I have yelled at my kids on occasion, though I'm generally pretty even-keeled. But even when I yell, [b]I apologize profusely and repair the relationship. That's one of DH's big problems, is he never repairs adequately, so the hurts keep mounting[/b].[/quote]
I'm not a perfect parent, but it wasn't until the kids were a bit older that I realized that I need to show my kids that I also make mistakes.  I started to apologize to my children when they were teens for my parenting fails.  My 20 yr old recently told me that when I apologize, they are more apt to not stay angry with me and see me as just being a human who makes mistakes, like they do.  It's done a lot for our relationship.

DH doesn't do that.  He just expects the kids to get over it.  The irony is that DH claims I always have to be right when we argue.[/quote]

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