Reply to How to talk to DH about my feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Yes the teens help, and yes we can afford to outsource. That’s not really the point. I would like him to just be a more active member of our family. He used to be more involved, when the kids were younger and he worked fewer hours (but still a lot.)

And no I don’t pressure him to work this much, we live on significantly less than he makes and I’m fine with that. My income is basically irrelevant - I do it because I like it and it helps keep me sane.

I feel like Jen Anniston in that movie where she screams “I want you to WANT to do the dishes!” except it’s not dishes. It’s more that I want him to WANT to have a more active role in our lives. He’s leaned too much into almost a Don Draper/1950’s mentality and I don’t like it or want it. [/quote]

Well this is fair. It's not about your income or even, really, about an inequitable work load. It's more about him not seeming to give a damn about the family. The money he brings in is never going to replace that.

If he says that he can't maintain his job *and* show some kind of interest in the family, then the next step is that he'd be expected to find a new job. Which might, in turn, result in less money for the household. [b]I assume you'd be ok with a lower economic status in exchange for him being a full member of the family. [/b][/quote]

I know that you meant this as a “gotcha,” but I don’t know a woman who doesn’t feel this way.

“Would you rather live in a big house where you are lonely and unloved, or would you rather live in a small house where you and your children feel loved, secure, and protected by your spouse?”  [/quote]

Except it never really is put that way.

We obviously don't know OP's financial circumstances, but a lot of people who feel like they could "live on less" either don't know or haven't really thought about what they would be giving up. It is not just a big versus a small house. First of all, once you've bought the big house, then it's hard to move. There might be private schools, lots of extra curriculars, a vacation house, a few vacations. multiple cars (none of which are beaters). Then there are the more subtle advantages of a high income -- never having to shop around, never worrying about day to day expenses, being able to take care of family if necessary, treating your friends, maybe even being able to hang out with the fancy people you've become friends with.

It sounds like OP's issue is not about "talking about feelings." It is that she wants her husband to work less and be around more. But for whatever reason, he obviously thinks differently. She should talk about finances with him. She should ask him about his goals in life, and whether he even wants to work less. And if he does want to work less, what is stopping that. Maybe OP's not really seeing the full financial picture.

Regardless, going about this discussion by guilting him about not being involved in cooking dinner is the absolute silliest way to have that conversation. A better conversation would be to acknowledge the tradeoff between time and money, acknowledge the incredible advantages of a high income, and then discuss whether everyone is happy with that tradeoff.  [/quote]

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