Reply to Can a narcissist ever stay married and be a good enough spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.[/quote]

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else. [/quote]

Very similar situation here.

It’s not that he hates me, it’s that he never loved me or the kids or is capable of loving or caring for someone. He only cares about himself, his ego, his image.

I don’t buy that “shame” angle therapists try pitch, to make you feel better. Narcissistic as don’t feel shame. They feel nothing or anger.

They are developmentally immature, hence the temper tantrums and lashing out or stonewalling. That’s all driven by their self centeredness and inability to regulate themselves once unmasked or in private. It’s not shame. They have no shame. If they did they wouldn’t be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

Instead, they’ll call you crazy. Instead of look in the mirror or hear about their very own behavior. They cannot handle hearing about their very own behavior. Not from you, not from their 10 yo. They will fly off the handle in a rage. Then sleep like a baby and wake up the next morning like nothing happened.

Truly psychotic. [/quote]

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