Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mask always drops.

It drops for the wife and kids, and maybe his in laws.

Never for neighbors, his parents, or work colleagues. They only see him in small doses.

Try day 4 of a vacation for unmasking or “disappearing to work.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Very similar situation here.

It’s not that he hates me, it’s that he never loved me or the kids or is capable of loving or caring for someone. He only cares about himself, his ego, his image.

I don’t buy that “shame” angle therapists try pitch, to make you feel better. Narcissistic as don’t feel shame. They feel nothing or anger.

They are developmentally immature, hence the temper tantrums and lashing out or stonewalling. That’s all driven by their self centeredness and inability to regulate themselves once unmasked or in private. It’s not shame. They have no shame. If they did they wouldn’t be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

Instead, they’ll call you crazy. Instead of look in the mirror or hear about their very own behavior. They cannot handle hearing about their very own behavior. Not from you, not from their 10 yo. They will fly off the handle in a rage. Then sleep like a baby and wake up the next morning like nothing happened.

Truly psychotic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are several types of narcissism, and I think you can live with people who have the neurotic (shy) kind - the ones who are not grandiose, don't seek drama or attention but are really insecure and feel a serious lack of confidence. It's not typically recognized as narcissism, but it's officially a form of the diagnosis.

I know several people living with that kind, and they're usually not too hard to live with. They need lots of reassurances.

Actually that is a true form of narcissism and much more dangerous to be in a relationship with than more obvious grandiose types. It’s called covert narcissism. And yes, from the outside they look meek or insecure or innocuous. On the inside it’s terrifying, because the second you take your foot of the gas of building them up and putting them on a pedestal and telling them they’re the best, they will turn on you.

Here’s a quick description:

“ A covert narcissist (also known as vulnerable narcissist) falls into a narcissistic personality disorder subtype that combines traits like self-centeredness and manipulative behavior with an introverted demeanor. Because covert narcissists seem so reserved or even modest, it can be easy to overlook their more problematic traits.”

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/personality-disorders/covert-narcissism

God. This x 1000000. When I confronted my mild-mannered, quiet husband about his affair, I could not have imagined the hell that he then unleashed. It was terrifying and absolutely rattled me until a psychiatric nurse, friend of a friend, heard my story and suggested I read about covert narcissism. Putting a name to the behavior and personality traits has been really helpful in trying to navigate this divorce. As has therapy with someone who understands this kind of NPD. Once he was unmasked he decided he was out for blood. I'm still fielding questions from people who knew him who know how he has behaved since he initiated the divorce because they don't understand how such a "good guy" could have become so unhinged. I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation but he has strewn wreckage far and wide. All those years he was just sitting quietly in the corner, taking notes, seething. I ignored the red flags. That's on me. But in hindsight OMG they were there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Yes! The hatred is directed outwardly at us. It's helped a lot to understand that even though my stbx despises everything about me now (I mean wtf...he was sending loving texts right up to the day before he did an absolute 180....) he hates himself the most. I don't think he'll ever be able to face himself. Sometimes I feel sorry for him that he is so deeply broken. But then he lobs another grenade. Sorry you're going through it, too. Working in therapy to understand why I was drawn to him has helped a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:No.

I'm starting to push back though because my life is a dumpster fire how much worse can it get? I mean at this point I've given up caring if we make it or not. I've totally given up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are several types of narcissism, and I think you can live with people who have the neurotic (shy) kind - the ones who are not grandiose, don't seek drama or attention but are really insecure and feel a serious lack of confidence. It's not typically recognized as narcissism, but it's officially a form of the diagnosis.

I know several people living with that kind, and they're usually not too hard to live with. They need lots of reassurances.

Actually that is a true form of narcissism and much more dangerous to be in a relationship with than more obvious grandiose types. It’s called covert narcissism. And yes, from the outside they look meek or insecure or innocuous. On the inside it’s terrifying, because the second you take your foot of the gas of building them up and putting them on a pedestal and telling them they’re the best, they will turn on you.

Here’s a quick description:

“ A covert narcissist (also known as vulnerable narcissist) falls into a narcissistic personality disorder subtype that combines traits like self-centeredness and manipulative behavior with an introverted demeanor. Because covert narcissists seem so reserved or even modest, it can be easy to overlook their more problematic traits.”

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/personality-disorders/covert-narcissism

PP you replied to. I guess none of the people I know have that severe a form. None of them have "turned" on anyone.

Do you know them or the people in the relationship with them?

They are very motivated to keep up appearances to “outsiders.” Those in intimate relationships with them can be the ones who are being emotionally abused and controlled or the ones who are working overtime to prop them up. If you find yourself in acquaintance or friend or professional relationships with these kinds of people, beware, it is likely that you’re a highly empathic person who they’ve subconsciously or intentionally chosen to align themselves with. Beware of things like the silent treatment, sulking, withholding information, or deflecting blame, especially in a professional environment.

Anonymous wrote:There are several types of narcissism, and I think you can live with people who have the neurotic (shy) kind - the ones who are not grandiose, don't seek drama or attention but are really insecure and feel a serious lack of confidence. It's not typically recognized as narcissism, but it's officially a form of the diagnosis.

I know several people living with that kind, and they're usually not too hard to live with. They need lots of reassurances.

Anonymous wrote:The mask always drops.

Anonymous wrote:The other poster got me wondering…

Anyone out there who is married to a narcissist and doing well?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same. I thought I could just power through, but eventually his behavior got so bad that I couldn't stay quiet. The confrontation led to a hell I could have never anticipated. Truly a very dark time. He turned on me then and it was like I was a stranger... We'd been together for 25 years and here I was, like a stranger that he hated and had zero relationship with.

Everyone else thinks he's a great guy. They have no idea. I don't think you can understand until you've lived it. It's awful.

Yes, the same happened to me and them turning into a stranger is exactly how it feels. And finding out that they’ve always been that person deep down is terrifying and made me question everything I knew about myself and life.

My STBX truly hates me, but when I am rational these days (which is rare- getting divorced from someone like this is extraordinarily taxing physically, mentally and emotionally), I can see that I have nothing to do with his hatred. He hates himself and he hates the shame he feels about his shortcomings, some of which are just the normal imperfections of being human and some of which were nurtured by his family of origin, and he is desperate to put it on anyone else.

Yes! The hatred is directed outwardly at us. It's helped a lot to understand that even though my stbx despises everything about me now (I mean wtf...he was sending loving texts right up to the day before he did an absolute 180....) he hates himself the most. I don't think he'll ever be able to face himself. Sometimes I feel sorry for him that he is so deeply broken. But then he lobs another grenade. Sorry you're going through it, too. Working in therapy to understand why I was drawn to him has helped a lot.