Reply to Oprah podcast on estranged families

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]   I could not believe how many things Gibson nailed perfectly. She was trying to gently explain to that one mother there is a power differential and that together with a strong personality makes it hard to do "conflict resolution" with some parents. I know with my mother anytime I gently brought up anything it was "I am your mother! You must...."

She also was perfect with the whole idea of how people are under much more stress now. I danced around my mother's difficult behavior and people pleased for decades to keep the peace. Between covid lockdown, my husband's prolonged illness, my father in law's emergency and then our daughter's emergency surgery over the course of several years, I had nothing left to give and through it all mom was all "me, me, me" and trying every tactic possible to manipulate. She did not have an ounce of empathy, just fury that my attention was not on her. I finally understood I could try to appease her and she would not be satisfied, or I could distance and do nothing and she would not be satisfied, but I would time to recover for all this mess.

There is nothing I miss. I have some contact, but when she decides to punish me and have none, it's even better. I only mourn what I never had, but mostly I have accepted that.
   [/quote]

Exactly regarding how she tried to address the mother who clearly showed disdain for her daughter. Maybe this is my bias but to me that mother seemed very satisfied that she was right and would win any argument (what she was calling a discussion). Both Coleman and that mom had an aggressive manner that they were trying to keep in check. [/quote]

That tattoo mother comes across as a bully pretending to be into conflict resolution. She wasted too much time trying to convince the public her daughter stinks. If her daughter is so terrible, then why is this mother so interested in resolving things. She definitely seemed emotionally stunted. Her daughter may be too for all I know but why try to humiliate her on TV? Coleman is still salty and lacks much insight. He basically learned the things to say to play along, but in his heart, he seems like he still resents his daughter for not falling into line. [/quote]

Both Coleman and tattoo mom used a certain phrasing that I think is very telling -- I thought it was interesting no one else called it out because I bet the other two experts clocked it for sure.

They both talked about how they think of themselves as "good parents" and were upset and defensive when they were told they were "bad parents." Coleman then also spoke about how it's important that people understand that estrangement happens to "good parents" (to applause from some of the people there.

I understand why tattoo mom said this and it's a common issue in any kind of personal conflict -- people often experience criticism as someone telling them "you are bad." Many people struggle with the idea that doing something hurtful, or someone being mad at you, is not evidence that you are "bad." Thinking this way tends to lead to defensiveness, gaslighting, tactics like DARVO (stands for deny-attack-reverse-victim-and-offender and refers to an abuse tactic people use to avoid responsibility for their behavior by turning it around on their accuser). But it's common.

That Coleman engages in this language reveals not only that he still has a ton of work to do on himself, but the limitations of his advice for parents in this situation. Reducing people to "good" and "bad" is not a useful way to resolve conflict or move past emotional wounds. Because it prevents people from accountability for hurtful behavior, since admitting they hurt someone would be tantamount to admitting they are bad.

The emotional maturity Gibson is talking about comes from someone who is secure enough in themselves to be okay admitting they may have done something that hurt someone else, and taking responsibility for that behavior even if it was done accidentally or with love. That's what the helicopter dad did. He was secure enough in himself, and in his love for his daughter, to accept that he had screwed up. He didn't mean to -- he genuinely thought that his behavior was helping to protect his daughter, keep her safe, and keep her on the right track. But when she laid out for him how his behavior had made her feel (powerless, under his thumb, not allowed to make her own decisions or cut her own path) he realized he'd erred. And in being willing to admit that, apologize for it, and work with his daughter to change his behavior and their relationship, he demonstrated that he is secure in himself. Admitting he screwed up is not the same as admitting he's bad. He's just a person who tried his best, made a mistake, and then fixed his mistake. EVERYONE makes mistakes. Being unwilling to admit yours is a mark of immaturity and will stunt all your relationships.

Coleman should have moved past the good/bad framework by now. It's about accountability, accepting one another's subjective experience, and being willing to adjust ones behavior out of respect for one another. No good, no bad, just flawed people doing their best out of love for one another.[/quote]

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