Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

I can see why you have this take on things since you are used to DV situations but -- Jesus Christ, this is crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

I mean, it is probably unlikely that this kid will do such a thing, but what OP is describing goes far beyond normal crankiness or disrespect from an older teen, based on her own description. I’m not sure she needs a safety plan because what it sounds like is this kid just has not been taught that he cannot treat women aggressively. OP needs to get very serious about teaching him that he may not act aggressively with no consequences. She should get support from a child psychologist experienced in aggressive behaviors. The kid is too old to use the techniques OP should have instituted a decade ago, but OP can definitely start showing her teen that he cannot be aggressive without consequences. Letting him know that any aggression results in an instant loss of privileges, OP walking away and not engaging, up to calling the police and having the teen move out. This is serious stuff and not a “temper tantrum.”

Background: I have a young teen with a temper with a dad with a temper. I have been working with therapists since he was 6 on this. Kid still has a temper but knows that there are extremely strong boundaries about any sort of aggression (including threats). If you do not start at 6 firmly telling boys “you may not hit me, you may not yell at me,” then this is where you end up.

I disagree. I also work with teens and neither of us know OP or her kid in real life. I’m one of the posters who gave advice about my kid and think this absolutely sounds normal, especially for a kid who lost his father. I think you are projecting a bit.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

I mean, it is probably unlikely that this kid will do such a thing, but what OP is describing goes far beyond normal crankiness or disrespect from an older teen, based on her own description. I’m not sure she needs a safety plan because what it sounds like is this kid just has not been taught that he cannot treat women aggressively. OP needs to get very serious about teaching him that he may not act aggressively with no consequences. She should get support from a child psychologist experienced in aggressive behaviors. The kid is too old to use the techniques OP should have instituted a decade ago, but OP can definitely start showing her teen that he cannot be aggressive without consequences. Letting him know that any aggression results in an instant loss of privileges, OP walking away and not engaging, up to calling the police and having the teen move out. This is serious stuff and not a “temper tantrum.”

Background: I have a young teen with a temper with a dad with a temper. I have been working with therapists since he was 6 on this. Kid still has a temper but knows that there are extremely strong boundaries about any sort of aggression (including threats). If you do not start at 6 firmly telling boys “you may not hit me, you may not yell at me,” then this is where you end up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

What are you doing to trigger his anger? Perhaps start there.

Only YOU can change yourself.
Same for your son, only he can change himself.

So work on yourself and try to be less anger-provoking by not doing whatever you are doing to upset him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.

Thank you. This is really thoughtful advice…

You're welcome. It's one of those things that is clear to see from the outside (to someone who has sons this age), but I'm sure living it day to day clouds your view.

And disregard the posters who say you're giving him no consequences or that you shouldn't be helping him with his college apps. They are ignoring the elephant in the room.

The thing is, your son is right. It IS unfair that he lost his dad. He needs to have those feelings validated and understood. He has missed a lot in his life because he saw other boys' relationships with their fathers. It is 100% unfair that this happened to him. However... life is unfair. We all have burdens and unfair things happen to us. He needs to build the skills to cope with this and learn that he can trust himself to love someone like your brother to help show him the way.

Anonymous wrote:I’m following bc I have the same issue, except much more frequently - at least once a day. After one of these outbursts, which are usually targeted at me and centered on how everything bad in his world is my fault, I am depleted and want to crawl into a hole. Like I literally have to go lie down in fetal position to recuperate. He has always been like this - he used to throw and destroy objects when he was younger, putting holes in the walls. He grew out of that and now it’s more yelling/cursing/storming around/blaming. He has pushed me a few times, but not in many years. I have taken him to so many doctors. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and is medicated, but I sometimes find his pills hidden and even when I have watched him take his medication, he acts the same. I have tried taking him to numerous talk therapists over the years and he sits there, will not answer their questions or engage in talk therapy. If they ask him if anything is wrong, he says his life is great. School counselors have tried talking to him and he clams up or says everything is fine. I don’t blame him for being angry. His dad is a mess and destroyed our marriage and his career with his explosive temper, and even though his temper made everyone at home miserable, my son is still furious at me for divorcing him. He has tons of friends and is beloved by friends’ parents, who do not see this side of him. He gets near perfect grades. I have tried consequences but they don’t work. There isn’t anything he cares about enough that he doesn’t mind giving it up except his phone, which I have tried taking away but inevitably he will need it for logistics and homework coordination with classmates. He is also a perfectionist. At this point, I feel like I am living with his dad again, always walking on eggshells wondering when he will explode next and preferring to avoid him bc spending time with him is so unpleasant because it always ends up with him yelling at me about something. For those saying forgive, forgive, forgive, if I just let him act like this without consequence, won’t I just be raising him to be an adult who destroys his own marriage with his temper (or even worse, is physically abusive and harms another person)? But talking about it, trying consequences, trying therapy, nothing has worked. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless.

Anonymous wrote:I’m following bc I have the same issue, except much more frequently - at least once a day. After one of these outbursts, which are usually targeted at me and centered on how everything bad in his world is my fault, I am depleted and want to crawl into a hole. Like I literally have to go lie down in fetal position to recuperate. He has always been like this - he used to throw and destroy objects when he was younger, putting holes in the walls. He grew out of that and now it’s more yelling/cursing/storming around/blaming. He has pushed me a few times, but not in many years. I have taken him to so many doctors. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and is medicated, but I sometimes find his pills hidden and even when I have watched him take his medication, he acts the same. I have tried taking him to numerous talk therapists over the years and he sits there, will not answer their questions or engage in talk therapy. If they ask him if anything is wrong, he says his life is great. School counselors have tried talking to him and he clams up or says everything is fine. I don’t blame him for being angry. His dad is a mess and destroyed our marriage and his career with his explosive temper, and even though his temper made everyone at home miserable, my son is still furious at me for divorcing him. He has tons of friends and is beloved by friends’ parents, who do not see this side of him. He gets near perfect grades. I have tried consequences but they don’t work. There isn’t anything he cares about enough that he doesn’t mind giving it up except his phone, which I have tried taking away but inevitably he will need it for logistics and homework coordination with classmates. He is also a perfectionist. At this point, I feel like I am living with his dad again, always walking on eggshells wondering when he will explode next and preferring to avoid him bc spending time with him is so unpleasant because it always ends up with him yelling at me about something. For those saying forgive, forgive, forgive, if I just let him act like this without consequence, won’t I just be raising him to be an adult who destroys his own marriage with his temper (or even worse, is physically abusive and harms another person)? But talking about it, trying consequences, trying therapy, nothing has worked. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless.