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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Strategic incompetence. He knows, on some level, as long as he does a crappy job, you’ll pick up the slack and he’ll have to do less.

If you talk to him and he wants to improve and you see some improvement (ie - he’s bad at things the first time, but then gets better), okay, maybe it’s ADHD, you can work with him.

But strategic incompetence? Call him out, and if he doesn’t change, divorce. [/quote]

To be clear, I am a woman, and I resonate with this post as the dH. I also see the sort of "strategic incompetence."  The truth is that like all messy things the truth is somewhere in between.

Yes, your DH could do better.  A lot better. But it would cost him more to do better than it would cost many other people, perhaps you.

The reality is that having small children and continuing in your careers stress tests executive function and everyone fails at some point.  Your DH may have crossed the threshold, and you didn't see this before you married him. This "you married a dud BS" is so simple.  You, and he, didn't know what his behavior would become in this situation.

The reality is that I personally am better at working more and earning more, so my contribution is to outsource things. Personally, I can focus on a consulting gig, earn $5k and then I feel no guilt asking my nanny to help with a bit more time or paying for the luxe lawn service.  And more generally, my lifetime earnings tilt way more in this direction.

BUT if someone is checking out with small kids, that isn't ok.  Kids mean a lot of additional resources.  If the problem is wasting away on the couch with video games, that person needs to figure it out - therapy, meds,etc.  But from reading lots of DCUM this is one extreme.  In this situation, what I suggest is dividing duties very specifically -- one person is responsible for taking the kids to daycare on specific days.  Cooking is person X or Y each night.  Cleanup is X or Y each night. LAudnry - specific duties.  If your DH still fails at those, couples therapy with detailed notes is next.

Good luck OP.[/quote]

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