Outsource it and it comes from his discretionary funds.
Or two separate households. That is Helena Bonham Carter's setup. I think the only connection they have is a single passageway.

OP, what does he do well at? Like EXCEL at? Anything? If not, as a PP pointed out- if he isn't bringing home the larger paycheque either- it may be time to hire/contract out for these jobs.

If you have not already had a serious conversation about why he didn't learn very basic life skills, it is overdue. You can start with asking if he'd like to improve your lovelife, then explain how it's hard to get bricked up for a toddler. You must be so embarrassed to let anyone see behind the curtain.

BUT as my DH would say 'let his friends see him looking/acting like a dumbass so they can make fun of him/rib him into the conformity of responsibility'.

Anonymous wrote:Hire a ADHD Coach or therapist.

A practical strategy would be to give him a domain, and give him time to own and perfect it. Communicate with him on ways that will support whatever internal system he that developed to remember. If it’s laundry, then it’s possible he will want color coded baskets to sort. He’ll need a designated day or timer set.

Be patient and trust the process. Get therapy for yourself to learn how to manage and better communicate.

Jesus. You people are totally crazy. OP doesn’t need another baby to mother!! She already has young helpless children! My 10 year old uses a timer for chores, if my DH had to do that and color coded baskets too we would be headed to “dead bedroom” purgatory. Stop having such low standards and treating useless men like babies and adding on more to their wives’ ever growing list of responsibilities. OP needs to very candidly tell her DH how he is dropping the ball, big time, and not pulling his weight in the family. He can decide if he is going to grow up and either get help for what may or may not be ADHD or change his attitude if he is just lazy. But he is a grown adult and a father of young children who needs to take responsibility for his behavior. What is OP supposed to do, hold his hand in therapy and make him color coded flashcards?? Nope. If he can’t change or get the help to change then OP I’m sorry but you will have to decide what kind of family life you are willing to accept. Whatever you do do not have another child you already got one more than you expected. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Strategic incompetence. He knows, on some level, as long as he does a crappy job, you’ll pick up the slack and he’ll have to do less.

If you talk to him and he wants to improve and you see some improvement (ie - he’s bad at things the first time, but then gets better), okay, maybe it’s ADHD, you can work with him.

But strategic incompetence? Call him out, and if he doesn’t change, divorce.

To be clear, I am a woman, and I resonate with this post as the dH. I also see the sort of "strategic incompetence." The truth is that like all messy things the truth is somewhere in between.

Yes, your DH could do better. A lot better. But it would cost him more to do better than it would cost many other people, perhaps you.

The reality is that having small children and continuing in your careers stress tests executive function and everyone fails at some point. Your DH may have crossed the threshold, and you didn't see this before you married him. This "you married a dud BS" is so simple. You, and he, didn't know what his behavior would become in this situation.

The reality is that I personally am better at working more and earning more, so my contribution is to outsource things. Personally, I can focus on a consulting gig, earn $5k and then I feel no guilt asking my nanny to help with a bit more time or paying for the luxe lawn service. And more generally, my lifetime earnings tilt way more in this direction.

BUT if someone is checking out with small kids, that isn't ok. Kids mean a lot of additional resources. If the problem is wasting away on the couch with video games, that person needs to figure it out - therapy, meds,etc. But from reading lots of DCUM this is one extreme. In this situation, what I suggest is dividing duties very specifically -- one person is responsible for taking the kids to daycare on specific days. Cooking is person X or Y each night. Cleanup is X or Y each night. LAudnry - specific duties. If your DH still fails at those, couples therapy with detailed notes is next.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is lazy.
Either discuss w him or plan to deal as you don’t seem like you would consider divorce.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that there is no such thing as lazy. Laziness is simply a struggle that you cannot see. Depression, ADHD, both, family trauma they haven’t processed, etc. approach with compassion. Nobody actually enjoys letting people down. They are often dissociating and beating themselves up for not being able to do what is expected of them.

I’m the opposite - the older I get, the more I realize it’s laziness and just plain selfishness. I’ve known so many people who claimed ADHD/depression/trauma/etc while married, yet as soon as their spouse divorced them, they suddenly got it together and were able to function. Amazing what consequences like “you’ll be evicted” or “you’ll starve” can do.

LOL, you just proved my point. Have you ever read anyting about ADHD before making this extremely hateful judgment?

Divorce him. He’s cheating on you. Get your affairs in order NOW

Is there any hope for him and us?

No. There is no hope.

Are my expectations too high?

Yes. It's over.

Do you think therapy would help us?

Yes, provided the therapist talks you into divorce.

Does anyone else have a spouse who seems to do the bare minimum or half ass everything? I’m incredibly stressed out with him and finding it difficult to be attracted to him.

Could you provide us with some additional information, please? Specifically, how much does he earn annually, and what percentage of your total household income does this represent?

If he is pulling in good money (say, over $400K) and this represents more than 75% of your household income, it is time to rethink how you balance household chores. However, he may be making substantially more per year than a new DH who can clean up after himself and others.

Do you not want to get a divorce? Good. Please take a look at what you make, where you spend it, and consider hiring someone to help with the stuff that bothers you. Yes, the next wave of posters will say it does not matter how much he makes; he should still be able to do his laundry, etc. True.

However, every household task can be outsourced, and the cost of doing so for specific tasks can outweigh the trauma you seem to have over your list of things he does (or does not) do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. Divorce is the only option.

This is OP. Are you being sarcastic? We have 2 very young children. When I think about divorce I feel very guilty for blowing up their life.

It’s better if you divorce when they are very young. That way that’s all they’ve ever known. Waiting will only make things harder.

The severity of your husband’s ADHD will become increasingly harder to deal with as the kids get older and even more complex parental coordination is needed.

You should carefully think things through, and keep divorce as an option until you truly decide otherwise. Guilt shouldn’t be the only consideration.

He is being a jerk toward you. I found that the only way to convince mine to snap out of him is to be a jerk too. Humiliate him and call out his incompetence whenever possible and, yes, in front of the kids too - let them pille on because respect is earned, not owed. Basically treat him like a dog: bad behavior = consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me again. Try not to say lazy or half ass (I admitted say both); it's a disability. The reason it's showing up now is the the kids' requirements are pushing him past his abilities and you have less bandwidth to pick up the slack.

F that. Disability is a hardship for the person with it. Laziness (or ADHD laziness) is a hardship for his spouse . Big difference.
HE NEEDS to get a plan of how to be functional for his wife and kids

ADHD laziness?

You deserve all the struggles you are facing.

Can he do work at work? Or doesn't everything need to be spelled out for him there too? Seems like he doesn't know or doesn't car everything that goes into a task. In a woman and I have ADHD and I hate laundry and dishes. And I still do them when it's my turn etc etc.

Anonymous wrote:You dh needs to step up fast.
In the meantime, make these changes to help him.

Put all you mentioned in a checklist.
Then every Sat morning and Wed evening have "family work hour (or 2)" That is when he must go through his list and complete each task and then check it off.
Also, on those days, he makes dinner AND is responsible for cleaning up the kitchen after. by midnight. (and you the same on your days. It works best this way when the chef is responsible for his/her own mess)

You women on here are laughable and insane!

You dh needs to step up fast.
In the meantime, make these changes to help him.

Put all you mentioned in a checklist.
Then every Sat morning and Wed evening have "family work hour (or 2)" That is when he must go through his list and complete each task and then check it off.
Also, on those days, he makes dinner AND is responsible for cleaning up the kitchen after. by midnight. (and you the same on your days. It works best this way when the chef is responsible for his/her own mess)

Anonymous wrote:Me again. Try not to say lazy or half ass (I admitted say both); it's a disability. The reason it's showing up now is the the kids' requirements are pushing him past his abilities and you have less bandwidth to pick up the slack.

F that. Disability is a hardship for the person with it. Laziness (or ADHD laziness) is a hardship for his spouse . Big difference.
HE NEEDS to get a plan of how to be functional for his wife and kids