Reply to What did you do to help your sons become good husbands and fathers?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Their dad gets more credit than me. He’s a great model of a caring yet masculine man who is very family oriented, cooks, cleans, and obviously cares deeply about them/me.

Other than that, I make a point not to nag but make pretty clear that they’re members of our family and need to pull their weight. I’ll tell them I have a big proposal for work and really could use their help walking the dog, doing some prep for dinner, etc and then give a lot of positive feedback when they step up. I catch them doing simple things and thank them for them - keeping it light. [b]Yesterday my fifteen year old came upstairs to say goodbye to me before leaving for school and I gave him a big smile and said “aww, thanks for that! Let me know if I can make you a smoothie when you get home.”[/b] I’ll also call them out for being dicks though “hey, I know you had a hard week at school but dad and I have been been juggling work to make money so you can do xyz, and waking up early so we can leave in time to drive you to practice, and then I come home to your mess all over the kitchen? That makes me really really angry. I know you’re more thoughtful than that. How can you make this better?”

And outside of all that, I try to express interest in the things they care about and be understanding rather than judgmental so they don’t feel like I’m on their case all the time and are more likely to consider my opinion.

I have two teen sons who are quite lovely people. [/quote]

When you react to a regular-ol' “good-bye” with exaggerated praise (aww, thanks for that!) and immediately offer a treat in return, it shifts the whole exchange from normal family courtesy to a transaction that revolves around the parent’s feelings. It tells the teen that even basic politeness is a special favor that fills Mom’s emotional tank, casting the child as caretaker of your self-esteem rather than the one to be cared for. By treating a simple acknowledgment like a personal gift and attaching a reward (“let me make you a smoothie”), you signal that the your children’s role is to make you feel seen and appreciated, which to me looks self-centered and manipulative.[/quote]

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