From very early on my husband just set a good example pretty much across the board. I don't think he ever spoke with my son about what it took to be a good husband and father, he just did it and my son was smart enough to watch and learn. Now he's a great husband and father and a successful doctor. I don't think you can really help your son to be a good husband and father unless you are pretty good at it yourself.

My teen son sews fwiw.

But overall my two teen boys are fairly rude and entitled, with moments of good behavior that I try to focus on.

They both do their own laundry
One keeps a very clean room and bathroom
They both are good at school and one has a very demanding sports and academic schedule that I could never handle.
One is very careful with money
They’re both not partiers

They will do household chores but often there is a lot of nagging.

They both show up for family bday dinners and MD and FD.

The things that aren’t great
Often mouthy and rude and disrespectful
One curses constantly
They both don’t walk the dog
One is very messy and leaves dishes around
One spends too much

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make them do chores. Make sure they know how to do all the “female” chores too like cooking, cleaning, sewing, cooking for holidays. (We also do the same with our girls. They can change tires, change oil, fix things. I believe in well rounded people)

No one I know sews. Are you 80?

My brother's in his mid 40's and sewed his daughter's stuffed animal, and has sewn on buttons and such.

Anonymous wrote:I think men / boys who have been shown love and respect and taught they are worthy and values and appreciated are more likely to treat others the same way. I have taught them how to treat others but also to only accept respectful treatment and not to be with anyone who doesn’t respect and love and support them the way they should love and respect and support others. They have seen role modeling of men expecting respect and treating others with respect. We also extend that to how to treat anyone and how power and privilege can corrupt and create advantage and disadvantage.

They also know to watch out for women who see them as a wallet and to avoid anyone who expects them to pay for dates and buy them a lot of gifts. Yes they know how to cook and clean and know that they are not to expect a woman to do the domestic work either. They know that no means no both ways and no try to change anyone and avoid anyone who tries to change them.


I think it’s a combination or role modeling, teaching them how to treat others and teaching them how they should be treated. Men who have been treated badly tend to treat others badly so the importance and giving and getting respect is paramount.

It is constant worry of mine. I think I was an am a conscientious and generous parent but I don’t have any internal guideposts. I raised my kids by constantly watching others who appeared to do it well. It is such a gift to have caring parents, and that is the pathway to raising a good son.

I was treated badly under unusual circumstances. An identical twin, I was far less favored than my brother, beaten and abused and growing up in a household where signs were posted in the house that I was fat dumb and lazy, and gay to boot (not accurate but a common refrain). My father resented my laid back personality, and hated me with a passion of a thousand suns because I reminded him of my mother’s father, who he considered a loser. My mother was an addict and sided with my father, although at some level it hurt her to do so. I was a throwaway, completely dispensable and unwanted kid.

My father left the family when I was 16, with really no contact after his absence. The odd thing is that I was far from fat dumb and lazy. I was an All American in my sport and was a really good student on athletic scholarship at one of the best universities in America. Unlike my high school educated parents, I could do school really well if I found a way to pay for it. And while leaving at 18 entirely on my own was not easy, strangely I always felt hopeful because freedom was so wonderful. No abuse, no hiding, and occasionally my head would begin to lift after endlessly staring at the ground. I still feel good about my notionally difficult experiences, including poverty, and I am not sure exactly why (I did not ever drink or do drugs and was too much of a dork to have relationships with women). I did not have anger but did become resigned to misery. An enduring trait.

But this hit home when I became a parent. I was paranoid about passing the abuse down to the next generation and worked like crazy to avoid that. I never had a good barometer though and tended to react to situations by overindulging them. Not abuse, but not good parenting. I am trying to rationalize I did the best I could. The kids likely picked up on my fears and insecurities. They went on nice vacations, and deservedly so, but I don’t take vacations as I am way too cautious about work. I do very well financially and have never come close to being anything but a high value employee, but it has come at a sizable cost. The kids went to the Ivy League and everything was paid for with no debt anywhere with cars and vacations and clothes, but that was part of my fantasy to break the cycle and make the next generation better. I am not sure I emphasized being happy, a concept foreign to me. And my fantasy was mine, not theirs, so I have a feeling I did not do well by them.

My incredibly successful twin was an intense supercharged version of me who had some of my father’s behaviors. He was brilliant and (not so good for him) was surrounded by people who constantly told him so. He recently passed away paying for his sin of waking up every day promising to crush and humiliate his father. Well he did that, but he died early last year as a result. This death, and being unable to get my mother to ever manage her addiction, loom as sizable failures in my life. I avoid having them crush me because while they have launched my kids still need me.

I know this sounds silly, but the aha moment for me was in my high school AP class as my English teacher read Faulkner’s 1950 Nobel Prize speech about the resilience of the human spirit. A gay man who knew nothing about sports but who saw the need for me to have a surrogate father, he read that speech in a way directed right at me, as if the rest of the class was not present. I never ever thereafter wanted to let him down.

Teach them to completely dominate their wives and never live somewhere with coloreds or public transportation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make them do chores. Make sure they know how to do all the “female” chores too like cooking, cleaning, sewing, cooking for holidays. (We also do the same with our girls. They can change tires, change oil, fix things. I believe in well rounded people)

Why not just teach girls and boys how to earn and invest well so they don't have to cook, clean, sew or cater, just delegate these chores? Not that there is anything wrong doing chores but if you don't enjoy it, circumvent it. You can add value to family life in other ways. Creating a loving and caring home is as or more important contribution.

Aren’t most people earning money and doing chores? You can’t control your child’s adult circumstances but you can teach skills that make life easier and cheaper.

Anonymous wrote:Make them do chores. Make sure they know how to do all the “female” chores too like cooking, cleaning, sewing, cooking for holidays. (We also do the same with our girls. They can change tires, change oil, fix things. I believe in well rounded people)

Why not just teach girls and boys how to earn and invest well so they don't have to cook, clean, sew or cater, just delegate these chores? Not that there is anything wrong doing chores but if you don't enjoy it, circumvent it. You can add value to family life in other ways. Creating a loving and caring home is as or more important contribution.

Anonymous wrote:Make them do chores. Make sure they know how to do all the “female” chores too like cooking, cleaning, sewing, cooking for holidays. (We also do the same with our girls. They can change tires, change oil, fix things. I believe in well rounded people)

No one I know sews. Are you 80?

Anonymous wrote:I've spent countless hours working on his severe ADHD and mild autism, but the results are still not acceptable. He's never going to be a good husband and father, unless he marries someone incredibly patient and understanding, and uses money to outsource a lot of stuff so as not to overburden his spouse.

He's kind, patient, good-natured... but it makes his forgetfulness and inattention all the more infuriating. He just realized this afternoon that his background check for a job needed to be filled out yesterday, and apparently he couldn't see that email in his inbox even though it's been sitting there for 4 days. Would he one day forget his kid in his carseat in the car? Because EVERYTHING is like this!

Sigh.

If he is kind and and good natured it is a positive attribute that a partner can build on. It is much better than the reverse of being on top of everything but being selfish or inconsiderate.

I think men / boys who have been shown love and respect and taught they are worthy and values and appreciated are more likely to treat others the same way. I have taught them how to treat others but also to only accept respectful treatment and not to be with anyone who doesn’t respect and love and support them the way they should love and respect and support others. They have seen role modeling of men expecting respect and treating others with respect. We also extend that to how to treat anyone and how power and privilege can corrupt and create advantage and disadvantage.

They also know to watch out for women who see them as a wallet and to avoid anyone who expects them to pay for dates and buy them a lot of gifts. Yes they know how to cook and clean and know that they are not to expect a woman to do the domestic work either. They know that no means no both ways and no try to change anyone and avoid anyone who tries to change them.


I think it’s a combination or role modeling, teaching them how to treat others and teaching them how they should be treated. Men who have been treated badly tend to treat others badly so the importance and giving and getting respect is paramount.

May be raising health conscious consciouses, kind, empathetic, easy going, financially independent, respectful, punctual sons and daughters can help them be good husbands and fathers or good wives and mothers.

Teaching him to avoid people prone to drama and mental illness.

I've spent countless hours working on his severe ADHD and mild autism, but the results are still not acceptable. He's never going to be a good husband and father, unless he marries someone incredibly patient and understanding, and uses money to outsource a lot of stuff so as not to overburden his spouse.

He's kind, patient, good-natured... but it makes his forgetfulness and inattention all the more infuriating. He just realized this afternoon that his background check for a job needed to be filled out yesterday, and apparently he couldn't see that email in his inbox even though it's been sitting there for 4 days. Would he one day forget his kid in his carseat in the car? Because EVERYTHING is like this!

Sigh.

Anonymous wrote:Their dad gets more credit than me. He’s a great model of a caring yet masculine man who is very family oriented, cooks, cleans, and obviously cares deeply about them/me.

Other than that, I make a point not to nag but make pretty clear that they’re members of our family and need to pull their weight. I’ll tell them I have a big proposal for work and really could use their help walking the dog, doing some prep for dinner, etc and then give a lot of positive feedback when they step up. I catch them doing simple things and thank them for them - keeping it light. Yesterday my fifteen year old came upstairs to say goodbye to me before leaving for school and I gave him a big smile and said “aww, thanks for that! Let me know if I can make you a smoothie when you get home.” I’ll also call them out for being dicks though “hey, I know you had a hard week at school but dad and I have been been juggling work to make money so you can do xyz, and waking up early so we can leave in time to drive you to practice, and then I come home to your mess all over the kitchen? That makes me really really angry. I know you’re more thoughtful than that. How can you make this better?”

And outside of all that, I try to express interest in the things they care about and be understanding rather than judgmental so they don’t feel like I’m on their case all the time and are more likely to consider my opinion.

I have two teen sons who are quite lovely people.

When you react to a regular-ol' “good-bye” with exaggerated praise (aww, thanks for that!) and immediately offer a treat in return, it shifts the whole exchange from normal family courtesy to a transaction that revolves around the parent’s feelings. It tells the teen that even basic politeness is a special favor that fills Mom’s emotional tank, casting the child as caretaker of your self-esteem rather than the one to be cared for. By treating a simple acknowledgment like a personal gift and attaching a reward (“let me make you a smoothie”), you signal that the your children’s role is to make you feel seen and appreciated, which to me looks self-centered and manipulative.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids but I have two brothers who are good husband's and fathers.

My mom and dad always made them show respect to women. If they so much as touched a hair on my head or yelled at me they were reprimanded that it is not appropriate to be aggressive to women. My mom also made them do equal chores to me with cleaning and cooking. In addition it was very important to her that they showed gentlemanly manners. If the walked ahead of her at a restaurant and went inside she would yell, "Who's going to hold the door for me?" I thought or was funny when I was a kid but it stuck with them. They are very polite to women.