Reply to Do any parents out there know their kids are the mean ones?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I talk to parents who know their kids are kind of mean and really just shrug it off.   They tell themselves not everyone can be friends, kids are kids, what are they supposed to do when little Larla doesn't want to hang around with Larlette anymore.  And they don't care because their kid is usually doing fine socially.

If they are confronted about specific behavior by another parent, they don't respond well and they tell everyone they know too and paint it like the other parent is a lunatic.  This is why my go to advice is never say anything to the parents.  Even if you think it went well, it didn't.[/quote]

Well, part of that is true- if Larla has a number of good friends, and has had some disagreements with Larlette or they no longer share the same interests, why should they be forced to hang out together? It is true, not everyone can be friends.  I don't think Larla should be mean to Larlette but it doesn't mean she has to invite her to her birthday, or choose her as a partner in class, or actively seek her out at recess, if she prefers different friends right now.  It is not Larla's job to fix Larlette's social struggles.   And yeah, if you confront Larla's mom about Larlette not being invited to something, you do kind of look like a lunatic, unless the "something" is a full class party and Larlette was the only one excluded (if that happens, i'm totally on Larlette's side, don't worry)[/quote]

I agree this is all perfectly reasonable.  The chances of tweens/teens handling these situations gracefully and kindly and not being mean along the way is pretty close to zero.  When Larlette gets ditched it usually is slash and burn.  And Larla doesn't tell her parents what's really going on or what's been said and done.  Of course not.  And the parents shrug it off.  A lot of relational aggression and parents miss opportunities to coach their kids.  In my opinion.[/quote]

You're right, but I think the middle school years in particular have always been like this.  Kids mature at different rates, they start to figure out what kind of person they want to be, and they actively want to shed anything that doesn't meet their definiition, in their mind, of the person they want to be.  Including, usually, their parents, many of their childhood toys, friends who haven't matured as quickly or friends who are focused on activities or style trends that are, in a middle schooler's mind, incredibly uncool- which is usually just code for "not what I personally enjoy and not part of the image i'm trying to create for myself as I turn from a child into an adult", but comes out as "uncool".  Yes, there are tons of missed opportunities to help guide these kids along the way because no one ever gets the full story (neither larla's mom OR larlette's mom), but most of these kids wouldn't take direct guidance from mom at this age anyways.   I think the best we can do is model kind behavior, discuss kind behavior in a roundabout, indirect way as much as humanely possible, and hope the middle school years pass as uneventfully as possible. [/quote]

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