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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood [b]I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. [/b] And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is. [/quote]

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers. [/quote]

What PP means is that she views her kids as valuable *to her* and worthy of love no matter what. So even if they fail, even if they "slack", she still loves them and thinks they still have value as people.

Instilling this in kids is actually important to building resilience which allows them to put in "100% effort." Kids (and adults) who worry that if they fail, they will no longer deserve love or will cease to matter to their family and friends, can become paralyzed by fear. This causes people to take fewer chances and can lead to procrastination habits (so: slacking). But people who know that they have value even if they screw up are more willing to put in effort because the stakes are lower. And they are less likely to get discouraged and give up when they face setbacks because they won't take those setbacks personally. Instead of seeing themselves as fundamentally bad at whatever it is, they will recognize their own potential and try to learn from their mistakes.

Making space for kids to fail and try again is essential for raising ambitious, successful kids. Intense pressure and the threat of losing your love or respect every time they get a bad grade, lose a game, or fail to nab a top award will backfire eventually.[/quote]

PP here - this is exactly what I meant.   My kids really are amazing, successful well adjusted young adults. I’m telling you how they got that way.  [/quote]

And when kids hit speed bumps it is particularly important that they have this “unconditional positive regard” from parents. My kid has dyslexia and is also very smart. Elementary school was hell for him, even with all the tutoring and accommodations. He spent every day at school feeling stupid. This is super common - almost universal - for smart dyslexic kids. It was critical for him to come home and know that in our house he was enough just as he was, and always would be. A’s, F’s, whatever - we loved him for his personhood, not his accomplishments.

He is off to college in the fall and is an extraordinary young man and I’m very proud of him - both his personhood and his accomplishments, which he made happen because he had a solid base of love at home.[/quote]

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