Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did at first. Took therapy and perspective to stop. Its not healthy ir appropriate for you or your kids. Let them be their own people but most importantly, remind yourself that your value doesn't lie in your kids. It doesnt even lie in your parenting (and those are 2 different things; you can be a great parent with a kid who messes up a lot).

What did you base your value on before you had kids?

OP here. I was never a good student in elementary or middle. Didn’t try and had a lot going on. Got better in high school. Always wished that I was better. I guess I always thought that my kids would not have the problems that I had and will have a nicer childhood and involved parents so will automatically excel and will have a natural drive. But it didn’t turn out that way. While my kids are good kids, they are above average at school, and sports, I feel they are not that driven to improve themselves and are okay with mediocre work at times..so it boggles my mind why they don’t want to try more and improve? In all aspects of life?

How are they above average in everything and what else could they do to satisfy you?

Anonymous wrote:I seem to be having a hard time letting go and not judging myself whenever my kids don’t do well. I get overly emotional over things and unsure how to handle in such situations. I do blame myself when its not my fault. Whether its sports, school or other behavior expectations. My kids are 13 and 10. Any suggestions? Please be kind.

It's normal to get attached to your children's successes and failures, even though it's not really socially acceptable to say that. I'm sure you've interrogated this instinct over the years, because it comes up for me constantly with my kids and I'm constantly slamming it down and my oldest just turned six. Just constantly reframe this for yourself and seek therapy if you're getting too wrapped up in this for your own good, because college stuff will really make this come up. I tell myself that as a parent my "job" is to offer unconditional love, teach them healthy boundaries and relationships and provide emotional support in addition to supporting them to do the best that they can in school, sports, and the arts. How well they perform is generally not a reflection of how well I have parented them, but a reflection of determination/grit, aptitude, and other external factors. The older our kids get the more we come face to face with different realities (good and bad) that they may face as a function of how they are but this is their journey as people, not your journey. Support them, push them here and there, but recognize that this is about them more than it is about you. All that said, it's natural to have the emotions that you're having. Being a parent is hard.

No. I think a huge part of this is that one of my kids has special needs.

Anonymous wrote:I feel responsible if my kid does poorly at school. I think how they do in sports and other activities is not as much about me, but I feel like poor performance at school indicates my parenting is also inadequate.

No way! The schools and teachers are responsible for a kid’s academic performance at school. Not you! Stop letting them off the hook even though a lot of school personnel will gaslight and blame you for everything.

Anonymous wrote:I feel responsible if my kid does poorly at school. I think how they do in sports and other activities is not as much about me, but I feel like poor performance at school indicates my parenting is also inadequate.

Not healthy nor realistic.

I can understand wanting to be involved and provide resources for success. But that should be the healthy end to what you are responsible for. Not the outcome.

I feel responsible if my kid does poorly at school. I think how they do in sports and other activities is not as much about me, but I feel like poor performance at school indicates my parenting is also inadequate.

Nope, not past the age of about 2-3, when I figured out their toddler threshold for good behavior.

Anonymous wrote:A friend tells me often, a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

I agree. It's tough, if your kid is unhappy about something, be it grades or a sport or a friendship gone awry, of course you're empathetic, and it's hard not to hold onto those feelings. Give yourself some empathy, and even though you are busy consoling your child, give yourself some grace and figure out some coping mechanisms for you. Could be exercise, meditation, going out with empathetic moms, find whatever works for you

That seems so co dependent to me. Your happiness should not be dependent on another person's outcomes, regardless of if its your child, your spouse, your family.

When my kids have an issue I look at my own parenting to see if there's something there I need to change: do I need to model different behavior? Do I need to provide more scaffolding in some area? Do I need to back off in some area?

When my kids do something exceptionally well, if it's related to something where I've put in a certain amount of work (ex: spent a bajillion hours finding the right music teacher and my kid scores a solo), I am glad that my work paid off in their lives. But I don't take personal credit for the achievement, just for what I did to enable it. And just in my head or maybe to DH, not to the kids or anyone else.

But I also do try to realize my kids are themselves and not robots or extensions of me. I could spend a bajillion hours to find the right music teacher, set expectations for appropriate practice, and my kid just love music and have no natural aptitude, and then they're not getting that solo. But as long as I keep providing opportunities they enjoy and doing my best to parent well, I've done my part!

Anonymous wrote:I guess a bit for behavior, but nothing else. My kid being good at school or bad at sports is about them, not me.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I guess a bit for behavior, but nothing else. My kid being good at school or bad at sports is about them, not me.

This. Particularly good manners. Teaching them that is my job. Teaching them calculus isn’t.

A friend tells me often, a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child.

I agree. It's tough, if your kid is unhappy about something, be it grades or a sport or a friendship gone awry, of course you're empathetic, and it's hard not to hold onto those feelings. Give yourself some empathy, and even though you are busy consoling your child, give yourself some grace and figure out some coping mechanisms for you. Could be exercise, meditation, going out with empathetic moms, find whatever works for you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers.

What PP means is that she views her kids as valuable *to her* and worthy of love no matter what. So even if they fail, even if they "slack", she still loves them and thinks they still have value as people.

Instilling this in kids is actually important to building resilience which allows them to put in "100% effort." Kids (and adults) who worry that if they fail, they will no longer deserve love or will cease to matter to their family and friends, can become paralyzed by fear. This causes people to take fewer chances and can lead to procrastination habits (so: slacking). But people who know that they have value even if they screw up are more willing to put in effort because the stakes are lower. And they are less likely to get discouraged and give up when they face setbacks because they won't take those setbacks personally. Instead of seeing themselves as fundamentally bad at whatever it is, they will recognize their own potential and try to learn from their mistakes.

Making space for kids to fail and try again is essential for raising ambitious, successful kids. Intense pressure and the threat of losing your love or respect every time they get a bad grade, lose a game, or fail to nab a top award will backfire eventually.

PP here - this is exactly what I meant. My kids really are amazing, successful well adjusted young adults. I’m telling you how they got that way.

And when kids hit speed bumps it is particularly important that they have this “unconditional positive regard” from parents. My kid has dyslexia and is also very smart. Elementary school was hell for him, even with all the tutoring and accommodations. He spent every day at school feeling stupid. This is super common - almost universal - for smart dyslexic kids. It was critical for him to come home and know that in our house he was enough just as he was, and always would be. A’s, F’s, whatever - we loved him for his personhood, not his accomplishments.

He is off to college in the fall and is an extraordinary young man and I’m very proud of him - both his personhood and his accomplishments, which he made happen because he had a solid base of love at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very fortunate that through all the ups and downs of childhood I always thought my kids were awesome - no matter what - and didn’t try to change them like many other parents in their peer groups. And now that they are confident and impressive young adults I see how very important the self esteem built by “being enough” really is.

I never understood this.

I don't think my kids are "awesome no matter what." I think they're awesome if they're trying their best, and busting their @sses off in school and sports (I don't mean being top performers, just trying very hard!). But anything less than 100% effort is not enough for us. Our family doesn't want to raise slackers.

What PP means is that she views her kids as valuable *to her* and worthy of love no matter what. So even if they fail, even if they "slack", she still loves them and thinks they still have value as people.

Instilling this in kids is actually important to building resilience which allows them to put in "100% effort." Kids (and adults) who worry that if they fail, they will no longer deserve love or will cease to matter to their family and friends, can become paralyzed by fear. This causes people to take fewer chances and can lead to procrastination habits (so: slacking). But people who know that they have value even if they screw up are more willing to put in effort because the stakes are lower. And they are less likely to get discouraged and give up when they face setbacks because they won't take those setbacks personally. Instead of seeing themselves as fundamentally bad at whatever it is, they will recognize their own potential and try to learn from their mistakes.

Making space for kids to fail and try again is essential for raising ambitious, successful kids. Intense pressure and the threat of losing your love or respect every time they get a bad grade, lose a game, or fail to nab a top award will backfire eventually.

PP here - this is exactly what I meant. My kids really are amazing, successful well adjusted young adults. I’m telling you how they got that way.

Anonymous wrote:I guess a bit for behavior, but nothing else. My kid being good at school or bad at sports is about them, not me.

Ditto. Behavior is largely about training and modeling IMO (if child is NT). Intelligence and natural athleticism are largely genetic, though of course opportunities need to be given to cultivate them to their fullest.