Reply to If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?

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Reply to "If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One thing to think about is the genetics if one or more of the bio parents is unknown. I have two kids by donors, both of whose profiles I looked at extensively before choosing. One at 12 has no significant inherited issues—strong student, neurotypical. The other at 9 has ADHD and learning disabilities and if I’d seen the donor’s profile now, I would recognize the signs of poor impulse control and not selected it. I love that kid of course but spent thousands of dollars and much grey hair trying to help them. Every day feels like a battle.

A close friend adopted her kids from the same bio parent. Just learning now after years of their rage and multiple therapists and learning specialists and mental health hospitalizations that the learning disabilities and neurodivergence are far more significant than had been diagnosed before, likely due to fetal alcohol syndrome but they’ll never know. Transracial adoption trauma is also a real thing and many transracially adopted kids have self esteem issues that last their entire lives.

I also have a friend whose two bio kids, with her husband, have big mental health challenges. Both have been hospitalized and at least one is on a serious mood stabilizer. She and her husband are stable, good earners, loving, didn’t see any of this coming but maybe see some signs in retrospect.

Where am I going with this long set of examples that I hope doesn’t terrify you and never having kids? There is risk in any childrearing situation. But I think the difficulty of not knowing the history of the genetic donors can make things more complicated. Another friend recently commented that she thinks all of the increased learning disabilities, ADHD, and mental health issues are the result of some toxin whose harm is known to the makers, but shielded from the public. Like the addictive effects of oxy or nicotine before they were publicized. Kids today literally are not like kids when we were growing up. So whatever journey you choose to take, know that there may be unexpected and expensive struggles along with the joys. [/quote]

They aren’t marking or testing sperm donors for ADHD or ASD? Or female egg donors or surrogates for fetal alcohol syndrome!?!

I would demand that or pass on unknowns. [/quote]
ADHD & ASD cannot be determined by genetic testing. Maybe by intensive neuropsych testing but I doubt any agency would do that. As for FAS, that is the syndrome the child acquires from the mom's drinking. It's not a heritable condition, therefore not testable. Best is to try to get truthful answers about mom's substances of choice, and good luck with that.[/quote]

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