Anonymous
Post 11/02/2024 23:02     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I adopted a toddler as a single mom. The joys do outweigh the challenges, but it can be difficult. Daycare is crazy expensive and even after that, there's aftercare and camps in the summer. My DD is now in her 20s, but there was a long period where I wasn't saving for retirement so I could meet all the expenses, so I now have less than I hoped.

One of most difficult aspects is how 24/7 the job is. There isn't much downtime, except for naps and when they go to bed. Even with a circle of friends or relatives, there were certainly times when she was young that I just wanted a break and there was nowhere to turn, particularly if I was sick.

But on the upside, we formed a very close bond with just the two of us, and experiencing all the joys of childhood, from bedtime stories to catching fireflies to trips to the beach, makes up for all the hard times.


Any reason you chose to adopt?


Would you ask that of a married couple?


Yes I would. I always wonder about people who adopt vs giving birth


Funny, I always “wonder” about people who endures years if expensive, painful, risky fertility treatment…when they could just adopt.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2024 22:59     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I adopted a toddler as a single mom. The joys do outweigh the challenges, but it can be difficult. Daycare is crazy expensive and even after that, there's aftercare and camps in the summer. My DD is now in her 20s, but there was a long period where I wasn't saving for retirement so I could meet all the expenses, so I now have less than I hoped.

One of most difficult aspects is how 24/7 the job is. There isn't much downtime, except for naps and when they go to bed. Even with a circle of friends or relatives, there were certainly times when she was young that I just wanted a break and there was nowhere to turn, particularly if I was sick.

But on the upside, we formed a very close bond with just the two of us, and experiencing all the joys of childhood, from bedtime stories to catching fireflies to trips to the beach, makes up for all the hard times.


Any reason you chose to adopt?


Would you ask that of a married couple?


Yes I would. I always wonder about people who adopt vs giving birth


To me, the genetic aspect of parenting is the least important.
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2024 22:54     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:One thing to think about is the genetics if one or more of the bio parents is unknown. I have two kids by donors, both of whose profiles I looked at extensively before choosing. One at 12 has no significant inherited issues—strong student, neurotypical. The other at 9 has ADHD and learning disabilities and if I’d seen the donor’s profile now, I would recognize the signs of poor impulse control and not selected it. I love that kid of course but spent thousands of dollars and much grey hair trying to help them. Every day feels like a battle.

A close friend adopted her kids from the same bio parent. Just learning now after years of their rage and multiple therapists and learning specialists and mental health hospitalizations that the learning disabilities and neurodivergence are far more significant than had been diagnosed before, likely due to fetal alcohol syndrome but they’ll never know. Transracial adoption trauma is also a real thing and many transracially adopted kids have self esteem issues that last their entire lives.

I also have a friend whose two bio kids, with her husband, have big mental health challenges. Both have been hospitalized and at least one is on a serious mood stabilizer. She and her husband are stable, good earners, loving, didn’t see any of this coming but maybe see some signs in retrospect.

Where am I going with this long set of examples that I hope doesn’t terrify you and never having kids? There is risk in any childrearing situation. But I think the difficulty of not knowing the history of the genetic donors can make things more complicated. Another friend recently commented that she thinks all of the increased learning disabilities, ADHD, and mental health issues are the result of some toxin whose harm is known to the makers, but shielded from the public. Like the addictive effects of oxy or nicotine before they were publicized. Kids today literally are not like kids when we were growing up. So whatever journey you choose to take, know that there may be unexpected and expensive struggles along with the joys.


They aren’t marking or testing sperm donors for ADHD or ASD? Or female egg donors or surrogates for fetal alcohol syndrome!?!

I would demand that or pass on unknowns.


Every child comes with unknowns.
No matter how they come into your life.

You roll the dice and you take your chances. (There is no love without risk.)
Anonymous
Post 11/02/2024 22:50     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I adopted a toddler as a single mom. The joys do outweigh the challenges, but it can be difficult. Daycare is crazy expensive and even after that, there's aftercare and camps in the summer. My DD is now in her 20s, but there was a long period where I wasn't saving for retirement so I could meet all the expenses, so I now have less than I hoped.

One of most difficult aspects is how 24/7 the job is. There isn't much downtime, except for naps and when they go to bed. Even with a circle of friends or relatives, there were certainly times when she was young that I just wanted a break and there was nowhere to turn, particularly if I was sick.

But on the upside, we formed a very close bond with just the two of us, and experiencing all the joys of childhood, from bedtime stories to catching fireflies to trips to the beach, makes up for all the hard times.


Any reason you chose to adopt?


NP here.

I adopted because I did not think it was right to make a new child, knowing full well they would not have a dad.

Raising an existing child with no family would be a win for us both…but (for me), I was less comfortable bringing a new child into the world given my single status.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2024 00:49     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
I'm a SMBC. My kid is 14, and so far, so good. I had my child rather late, so I had a low mortgage, lots of vacation time due to seniority etc. For the perennial professional development days at school, there are a lot of one day camps.

The DMV is expensive, but also full of good free resources, such as the Smithsonians, the Millennium Stage, DC's public preschools, and lots of playgrounds and hiking trails.

My child seems to be developing normally, in that they have good grades, some extracurricular interests, reasonable manners (if only by teenaged standards), and a set of vague professional goals, which might change next month.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2024 17:57     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've gotta think all the school holidays are hard. We are married (both work) and even with two of us it's hard to manage all of the FCPS holidays. No joke like there's a holiday every other week plus if kids are sick you've gotta have a serious support network to make it work or make a ton of money to hire reliable babysitters with just one person covering it all.


I paid for day camps. And then when my kid got into SACC, I used SACC (no additional charges). On days SACC is closed my office is usually closed (fed holidays). If office is open, I try to take a day off.

Single moms with demanding jobs don’t skimp on child care. And we have to be highly organized.

What’s so confusing?


what is SACC?


FCPS before and after school care (you still have to pay but it’s subsidized if you’re below a certain income; I don’t get any subsidies which is fine).
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2024 17:55     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've gotta think all the school holidays are hard. We are married (both work) and even with two of us it's hard to manage all of the FCPS holidays. No joke like there's a holiday every other week plus if kids are sick you've gotta have a serious support network to make it work or make a ton of money to hire reliable babysitters with just one person covering it all.


I paid for day camps. And then when my kid got into SACC, I used SACC (no additional charges). On days SACC is closed my office is usually closed (fed holidays). If office is open, I try to take a day off.

Single moms with demanding jobs don’t skimp on child care. And we have to be highly organized.

What’s so confusing?


I'm the PP and it's not confusing, it's just hard to balance all the days off even for us as a married couple. There is a waiting list for SACC at our school so we cannot use it and have to arrange our schedules to cover morning and afternoon. I can't imagine we are the only people that got stuck on the waiting list and there are few, if any, other options and I see plenty of posts about this on the elementary school forums. Also, if your kid gets sent home with a fever you're taking that day off plus at least the next day assuming the fever goes away. Again, it's just a lot even for us as a married couple with two people to help, I would think it would be tough not being able to split that with someone. Obviously it's working for you and that's great but I bet it is hard for others.


It can be a bit of a juggle for sure. Yes my kid was waitlisted for SACC. I used martial arts programs for before and aftercare. Before he was in elementary I paid a lot for private daycare at a center.

And yes, it’s hard when kid gets sick but I manage. Why? Because I have no other choice. And I love my career and am thankful for the stimulation and lifestyle it provides but make no mistake—kiddo is my #1 and drives me to be a better mom, human, and worker. A true blessing and gift from G-d.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2024 17:15     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've gotta think all the school holidays are hard. We are married (both work) and even with two of us it's hard to manage all of the FCPS holidays. No joke like there's a holiday every other week plus if kids are sick you've gotta have a serious support network to make it work or make a ton of money to hire reliable babysitters with just one person covering it all.


I paid for day camps. And then when my kid got into SACC, I used SACC (no additional charges). On days SACC is closed my office is usually closed (fed holidays). If office is open, I try to take a day off.

Single moms with demanding jobs don’t skimp on child care. And we have to be highly organized.

What’s so confusing?


what is SACC?
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2024 10:46     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:One thing to think about is the genetics if one or more of the bio parents is unknown. I have two kids by donors, both of whose profiles I looked at extensively before choosing. One at 12 has no significant inherited issues—strong student, neurotypical. The other at 9 has ADHD and learning disabilities and if I’d seen the donor’s profile now, I would recognize the signs of poor impulse control and not selected it. I love that kid of course but spent thousands of dollars and much grey hair trying to help them. Every day feels like a battle.

A close friend adopted her kids from the same bio parent. Just learning now after years of their rage and multiple therapists and learning specialists and mental health hospitalizations that the learning disabilities and neurodivergence are far more significant than had been diagnosed before, likely due to fetal alcohol syndrome but they’ll never know. Transracial adoption trauma is also a real thing and many transracially adopted kids have self esteem issues that last their entire lives.

I also have a friend whose two bio kids, with her husband, have big mental health challenges. Both have been hospitalized and at least one is on a serious mood stabilizer. She and her husband are stable, good earners, loving, didn’t see any of this coming but maybe see some signs in retrospect.

Where am I going with this long set of examples that I hope doesn’t terrify you and never having kids? There is risk in any childrearing situation. But I think the difficulty of not knowing the history of the genetic donors can make things more complicated. Another friend recently commented that she thinks all of the increased learning disabilities, ADHD, and mental health issues are the result of some toxin whose harm is known to the makers, but shielded from the public. Like the addictive effects of oxy or nicotine before they were publicized. Kids today literally are not like kids when we were growing up. So whatever journey you choose to take, know that there may be unexpected and expensive struggles along with the joys.


They aren’t marking or testing sperm donors for ADHD or ASD? Or female egg donors or surrogates for fetal alcohol syndrome!?!

I would demand that or pass on unknowns.

ADHD & ASD cannot be determined by genetic testing. Maybe by intensive neuropsych testing but I doubt any agency would do that. As for FAS, that is the syndrome the child acquires from the mom's drinking. It's not a heritable condition, therefore not testable. Best is to try to get truthful answers about mom's substances of choice, and good luck with that.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 13:05     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
I am a single mom by choice (adoption) and a teacher. Not afraid of >neuro< or other issues because I know how and where to get help. I've seen everything in schools.

I get a lot of days "off" -- usually planning or grading -- and my son loves coming to school with me on those days. He brings his books and his art supplies (NO electronics) and stays busy.

We have a wonderful cozy relationship and we see my parents one weekend a month.

Get planning and saving, join your local SMC group, and go for it.
Anonymous
Post 10/06/2024 08:26     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:One thing to think about is the genetics if one or more of the bio parents is unknown. I have two kids by donors, both of whose profiles I looked at extensively before choosing. One at 12 has no significant inherited issues—strong student, neurotypical. The other at 9 has ADHD and learning disabilities and if I’d seen the donor’s profile now, I would recognize the signs of poor impulse control and not selected it. I love that kid of course but spent thousands of dollars and much grey hair trying to help them. Every day feels like a battle.

A close friend adopted her kids from the same bio parent. Just learning now after years of their rage and multiple therapists and learning specialists and mental health hospitalizations that the learning disabilities and neurodivergence are far more significant than had been diagnosed before, likely due to fetal alcohol syndrome but they’ll never know. Transracial adoption trauma is also a real thing and many transracially adopted kids have self esteem issues that last their entire lives.

I also have a friend whose two bio kids, with her husband, have big mental health challenges. Both have been hospitalized and at least one is on a serious mood stabilizer. She and her husband are stable, good earners, loving, didn’t see any of this coming but maybe see some signs in retrospect.

Where am I going with this long set of examples that I hope doesn’t terrify you and never having kids? There is risk in any childrearing situation. But I think the difficulty of not knowing the history of the genetic donors can make things more complicated. Another friend recently commented that she thinks all of the increased learning disabilities, ADHD, and mental health issues are the result of some toxin whose harm is known to the makers, but shielded from the public. Like the addictive effects of oxy or nicotine before they were publicized. Kids today literally are not like kids when we were growing up. So whatever journey you choose to take, know that there may be unexpected and expensive struggles along with the joys.


They aren’t marking or testing sperm donors for ADHD or ASD? Or female egg donors or surrogates for fetal alcohol syndrome!?!

I would demand that or pass on unknowns.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2024 11:22     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've gotta think all the school holidays are hard. We are married (both work) and even with two of us it's hard to manage all of the FCPS holidays. No joke like there's a holiday every other week plus if kids are sick you've gotta have a serious support network to make it work or make a ton of money to hire reliable babysitters with just one person covering it all.


I paid for day camps. And then when my kid got into SACC, I used SACC (no additional charges). On days SACC is closed my office is usually closed (fed holidays). If office is open, I try to take a day off.

Single moms with demanding jobs don’t skimp on child care. And we have to be highly organized.

What’s so confusing?


I'm the PP and it's not confusing, it's just hard to balance all the days off even for us as a married couple. There is a waiting list for SACC at our school so we cannot use it and have to arrange our schedules to cover morning and afternoon. I can't imagine we are the only people that got stuck on the waiting list and there are few, if any, other options and I see plenty of posts about this on the elementary school forums. Also, if your kid gets sent home with a fever you're taking that day off plus at least the next day assuming the fever goes away. Again, it's just a lot even for us as a married couple with two people to help, I would think it would be tough not being able to split that with someone. Obviously it's working for you and that's great but I bet it is hard for others.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2024 08:24     Subject: Re:If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Single mom via donor to a 5 year old. Best thing that every happened to me. I love our little family so much.

I was 41 when she was born and very well-established in my career. I was able to shift to doing the same work as a self-employed consultant when she was a toddler and that's what has made our lives possible without family nearby.

I always maintain a pool of 3-5 babysitters I can call on and try to have a standing babysitter one night a week so I get a break. I've also worked really hard to build friendships with other families we like - both so my child has some men/dads in her life and so we have people to count on in an emergency (that goes both ways - I help them too).

I also have a therapist who I sometimes rely on just to have a place to put decision-making. It's freeing making all of the decisions, but sometimes you just need an objective voice to talk things through with.

The hardest parts have been finding time and energy to date (I'd still like to meet someone, but I'm also very cautious about who I bring into our lives) and overnight work travel (I have a babysitter for short work trips, but if it's more than 3 nights I feel like she needs a parent, not just a babysitter - and bringing her with me is getting harder with school, so I've just had to say no to some things.)
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2024 06:36     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
Anonymous wrote:I've gotta think all the school holidays are hard. We are married (both work) and even with two of us it's hard to manage all of the FCPS holidays. No joke like there's a holiday every other week plus if kids are sick you've gotta have a serious support network to make it work or make a ton of money to hire reliable babysitters with just one person covering it all.


I paid for day camps. And then when my kid got into SACC, I used SACC (no additional charges). On days SACC is closed my office is usually closed (fed holidays). If office is open, I try to take a day off.

Single moms with demanding jobs don’t skimp on child care. And we have to be highly organized.

What’s so confusing?
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2024 05:34     Subject: If you had a child as a single mom, how was your experience?
One thing to think about is the genetics if one or more of the bio parents is unknown. I have two kids by donors, both of whose profiles I looked at extensively before choosing. One at 12 has no significant inherited issues—strong student, neurotypical. The other at 9 has ADHD and learning disabilities and if I’d seen the donor’s profile now, I would recognize the signs of poor impulse control and not selected it. I love that kid of course but spent thousands of dollars and much grey hair trying to help them. Every day feels like a battle.

A close friend adopted her kids from the same bio parent. Just learning now after years of their rage and multiple therapists and learning specialists and mental health hospitalizations that the learning disabilities and neurodivergence are far more significant than had been diagnosed before, likely due to fetal alcohol syndrome but they’ll never know. Transracial adoption trauma is also a real thing and many transracially adopted kids have self esteem issues that last their entire lives.

I also have a friend whose two bio kids, with her husband, have big mental health challenges. Both have been hospitalized and at least one is on a serious mood stabilizer. She and her husband are stable, good earners, loving, didn’t see any of this coming but maybe see some signs in retrospect.

Where am I going with this long set of examples that I hope doesn’t terrify you and never having kids? There is risk in any childrearing situation. But I think the difficulty of not knowing the history of the genetic donors can make things more complicated. Another friend recently commented that she thinks all of the increased learning disabilities, ADHD, and mental health issues are the result of some toxin whose harm is known to the makers, but shielded from the public. Like the addictive effects of oxy or nicotine before they were publicized. Kids today literally are not like kids when we were growing up. So whatever journey you choose to take, know that there may be unexpected and expensive struggles along with the joys.