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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A lot of abusers in this thread perfectly describing the abuser mindset and justification. If they lash out at their partner in any way it isn’t abuse because she or he did or didn’t do something that made them angry or frustrated and resentful and this led to them being unable to regulate their emotions so they took that anger or frustration or resentment out on their partner but it isn’t their fault and it isn’t abuse, because if he or she had just done or not done things to cause those emotions in the first place then they wouldn’t have had to have the dysregulated emotion taken out on them.[/quote]

I feel like you have been legitimately abused, but that doesn’t mean everyone on this thread has.

I have an equal partner. If we were at the grocery store, he would be with me or near me, sharing the list. The list we made together. The meals we brainstormed together. If I had a spouse like the pp’s, who goes off and leaves her with 3 kids and the actual list to manage, buys food for just himself, cooks it for just himself without making sure the little ones are fed, and then doesn’t clean up…that would drive me crazy.

If you think that the person who is doing all the shopping for the family and then cleaning up after the person who just fended for themselves and didn’t even clean up after themselves expecting someone else to do it…you think they are the victim?? Because the person carrying the physical and mental load doesn’t do it without being upset??? You need to re-examine your life. [/quote]
Honest question, if you’re both brainstorming and coming up with this list together, why the hell can’t you alternate who shops solo and who stays home with the three kids? Why the hell are you dragging the whole family of 5 to the grocery store? That’s insane, to be honest. Clearly it’s not working out. [/quote]

You are confusing two posters. The one you're replying the never said she had three kids.

Regarding why don't they send one person to the store solo though: my DH has this weird thing where he often wants us to do things together as a family that are better done solo, and then he will engage in a lot of the behavior the PP mentions, especially wandering away when their saying anything and leaving me with our kid and no idea where he is. I'm not a yeller but I'm very sympathetic to how frustrating this is. DH has this idea in his head that we have to do things "as a family" but then he has a bizarre tendency to behave as though he's not a parent or just assume I will handle parenting duties while goes off on his own wordlessly.

As our kid has gotten older she now recognizes this behavior and says things like "oh dad wandered off again." We can only had one kid do as she's gotten more independent, my DH's obliviousness/laziness regarding parenting is less burdensome.

However if we'd had several kids before I understood this dynamic I feel like I could become the yelly wife. That doesn't mean yelling is a good behavior or justified, but I agree with the PP that it's a two person dynamic. If you have a spouse who is checked out and very self-focused all the time, it's exhausting to be the one parenting the kids. Also immature men tend to be immature in many ways. Like in addition to wandering off my DH gets into petty, bickering arguments with our DD all the time because he interacts with her like a sibling would instead of like a parent. And then they want me to settle their arguments. Dealing with a co-parent like this is truly exhausting. I am so relieved we stopped at one even though I would have liked to have another kid. I had no idea he'd be like this.[/quote]

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