Reply to I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]They are using you. Do you only have one kid? I have an only and this set up would piss me off because they are "making it work" with three kids by relying on both grandma to provide free childcare and you to do the school run since that would be hard for grandma. And it's not a temporary solution to a short-term bind. Like they aren't asking you to do this until they find a nanny who will be helping grandma out or until their toddler starts preschool in a few weeks. You are their permanent solution to the childcare problem of having three children but having jobs that make it hard for either of them to be around in the morning. They should have thought about this before having a third child instead of trying to lean on you.

We have famiily friends like this and I have learned to set firm boundaries with them. They often take the attitude of "well it's just so hard with three kids -- people need to help us out." But here's the think: I have an only even though I wanted another kid. But we have ZERO family help (like we didn't even have parents or family who could come help for a few weeks right after the baby was born). We realized after our first that there was such a narrow margin for error in our life and we didn't want to overextend with a second kid. So even though it was sad for me we stuck with our one [terrific] kid.

So yeah I don't have a lot of patience for people who have more kids leaning on me to solve their childcare conundrum. Especially not when they already have more family support than I do. I didn't stick to one kid so that I'd have the bandwidth to help some family with three and a live in grandparent bridge the childcare gap.

Also my experience is that there is no reciprocation in this scenario. People who set their lives up this way where they are always leaning on others for help are NEVER able to help you when you need it. You'll have a day where you need someone to pick up your son or watch him for a few hours and you'll ask them and they'll explain they'd love to but they can't because they have three kids and there's always some reason people with 3 kids can't do things.

So I'd politely let them know that you were happy to help for a while but it's actually a bit of a burden and you won't be able to do it any more.[/quote]

I have 3 kids and agree with this. It’s one thing to have a community you give/take from in a bind (e.g. I have an important afternoon doctor’s appointment could you pick my kid up this one day). But I would never rely on anyone else (besides maybe a family member or super close friend who offer) for routine help and even then I’d make sure to reciprocate in some way.

We do know some families with only kids who are very generous and will offer to do a favor like when they know one parent is out of town and I’m very appreciative. But I also make sure to offer a ride to soccer practice or whatever or have their kid over for a sleepover so they can have a night off.

Nobody should feel “owed” help because of the number of kids they have whether it’s 1 or 5+.

DH and I have flexible WAH jobs which is how we make it work. And this has meant sacrifice on our part by choosing to make less money for the sake of making our lives easier to manage. The trade off was on us to figure out. [/quote]

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