Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:47     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:They are using you. Do you only have one kid? I have an only and this set up would piss me off because they are "making it work" with three kids by relying on both grandma to provide free childcare and you to do the school run since that would be hard for grandma. And it's not a temporary solution to a short-term bind. Like they aren't asking you to do this until they find a nanny who will be helping grandma out or until their toddler starts preschool in a few weeks. You are their permanent solution to the childcare problem of having three children but having jobs that make it hard for either of them to be around in the morning. They should have thought about this before having a third child instead of trying to lean on you.

We have famiily friends like this and I have learned to set firm boundaries with them. They often take the attitude of "well it's just so hard with three kids -- people need to help us out." But here's the think: I have an only even though I wanted another kid. But we have ZERO family help (like we didn't even have parents or family who could come help for a few weeks right after the baby was born). We realized after our first that there was such a narrow margin for error in our life and we didn't want to overextend with a second kid. So even though it was sad for me we stuck with our one [terrific] kid.

So yeah I don't have a lot of patience for people who have more kids leaning on me to solve their childcare conundrum. Especially not when they already have more family support than I do. I didn't stick to one kid so that I'd have the bandwidth to help some family with three and a live in grandparent bridge the childcare gap.

Also my experience is that there is no reciprocation in this scenario. People who set their lives up this way where they are always leaning on others for help are NEVER able to help you when you need it. You'll have a day where you need someone to pick up your son or watch him for a few hours and you'll ask them and they'll explain they'd love to but they can't because they have three kids and there's always some reason people with 3 kids can't do things.

So I'd politely let them know that you were happy to help for a while but it's actually a bit of a burden and you won't be able to do it any more.


I have 3 kids and agree with this. It’s one thing to have a community you give/take from in a bind (e.g. I have an important afternoon doctor’s appointment could you pick my kid up this one day). But I would never rely on anyone else (besides maybe a family member or super close friend who offer) for routine help and even then I’d make sure to reciprocate in some way.

We do know some families with only kids who are very generous and will offer to do a favor like when they know one parent is out of town and I’m very appreciative. But I also make sure to offer a ride to soccer practice or whatever or have their kid over for a sleepover so they can have a night off.

Nobody should feel “owed” help because of the number of kids they have whether it’s 1 or 5+.

DH and I have flexible WAH jobs which is how we make it work. And this has meant sacrifice on our part by choosing to make less money for the sake of making our lives easier to manage. The trade off was on us to figure out.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:45     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.


Help is help. This is an ongoing taking advantage.

Do you ask for favors with that mouth?
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:44     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you didn’t agree to do this for any more than a few days? A week?

The way she presented it was, the baby is still sleeping during drop-off so if you could pick up DS, we won’t have to wake up baby. I agreed to that, because who wants to wake a baby for the day for a ten minute drop-off process. But it’s clear the baby ISN’T sleeping.


Seems like you think you agreed to one arrangement and they think you agreed to another.

The baby being awake the first few days of school when the family routine is changing makes sense. Surely you remember babies aren’t robots and can be out of their routine from time to time.

OP, if you don’t want to do this, then don’t. But it doesn’t sound like you are being taken advantage of.

You say you don’t know what to do. Just say no.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:43     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!


The new mom already has help -- grandma. And this arrangement was made because the "new mom" is already back at work. Plus this family has two older kids. They needed to figure this out in a way that doesn't depend on a neighbor becoming their permanent solution for the school run. Either one of the parents changes their schedule around or they hire someone or grandma figures out how to do the school run.

It is ridiculous that a household with 3 adults where only one of them is working full time needs OP to help them solve this problem. Come on.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:41     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Have grandma walk the kid(s) to your house for drop off. If you're driving, then they deliver the kid to your car. You aren't Uber. You tell the mom that is what you NEED for this to work all school year. If they refuse, then you say you cannot fulfill the obligation. People will take as much of the rope as you allow them to, OP.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:40     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.


But you originally agreed to help when there was a true emergency?

Yes, I did. It isn’t an emergency anymore, it’s a convenience. Wouldn’t you think the grandma would have, while holding the baby, come up and ask if I would still mind?


It was never an emergency per your own words. She asked you to help out with her routine and you agreed. This is on you. Tell her you don't want to do it anymore. Good grief.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:39     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.


Yes they do.

A family who does this is always going to want more. If OP continues to do this they will conclude "cool she doesn't have anything going on -- we can call on her in the future when it's convenient for us again."

OP is being used.

BTW: why can't either parent do the school run. So they both have jobs without the flexibility to take their kid to school AND they have grandma to take care of the younger two. Sounds like they need to get more realistic about what it means to have kids. I have turned down jobs because they involved travel or hours that just don't work with kids. That's life. If you are wealthy I guess you can always hire help for this kind of thing. But I would never assume a neighbor (just a neighbor! these people aren't really even friends) would step in to ensure I could keep my demanding job. What if OP would love to take a job with longer hours but she and her spouse know someone needs a flexible schedule as long as they have young kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:38     Subject: Re:I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:So you have an extra car seat in your car for this kid?


No, I don’t, but it’s not required at six.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:38     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Tell her that your morning routine is changed and that you won’t be able to pick up her son anymore.

As an aside, I have a feeling you’re also resentful because she presented as only needing help because the baby was sleeping. They either weren’t being truthful from the beginning or now that the baby is awake they no longer need your help, but are still taking your help. I get it.

What would your feelings have been if they asked for help driving am without having added the sleeping baby etc.?
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:37     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:A friend of DS6, whom he met in K, has an infant sibling. The parents work (mom only part-time) but have a grandma who watches the infant (and another preschool-aged sibling) during the day when mom isn’t home. It’s been three days a week. Before school started, the mom asked me if I would mind picking up her son on the days she works and grandma is there, because the infant is still sleeping at school drop-off time. It takes me three blocks out of my way and only around five minutes, but it’s still something I have to factor into my morning time-wise and I do allow myself an extra 10 minutes, just in case. The first week, grandma would come out and get the boy in the car and was very thankful. But last week and now today, grandma sent him out himself while holding the clearly awake and happy infant, and no one looks frazzled in the least.

I get it. It’s easier for me to swing by and grab the kid than it is for grandma to get three kids into the car. But I find myself growing resentful. How hard would it have been to just ask if I’d still mind? Clearly the baby isn’t sleeping. This is a convenience framed as something else. I keep thinking about how “convenient” it would be to have that extra ten minute buffer in the morning.

I have no idea what to do, but I worry the resentment will only increase as the year goes on. What would you do?


It sounds like she was clear this would be a routine thing and not a one time thing. What did you expect? Just tell her you're no longer able to do it. And stop signing yourself up to help when you don't really want to.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:37     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Sleep schedules change so quickly for babies. Maybe this week the baby is waking a little earlier but on the day the family talked to you, what their sleep concern was true? Maybe the kid doesn't sleep as well with grandma as he did with mom and is waking earlier because of that? Maybe the baby dropped a nap and the rest of his schedule shifted? There could be so many variations on this and so there's no reason to assume the family lied.

Since you don't want to do it, just talk to the family. This can be nbd if you want it to be.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:37     Subject: Re:I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
So you have an extra car seat in your car for this kid?

Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:36     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:Can it be a carpool? So you do the three days she’s working, and she picks up your son on the other two days? This way you both get benefit from the arrangement?

They have no room in their cars. Grandma and mom drive sedans.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:35     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.
Anonymous
Post 09/03/2024 10:34     Subject: I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out
Anonymous wrote:
Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.


There was never a dire need.

It’s a simple request. What is simple to me might be a huge deal for you.

It’s clearly huge to OP so use your words.