Reply to Anyone tried for some time to get over a spouse’s infidelity and you just couldn’t?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side.  I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term.  The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc.  I do not  really know how to move through all of that.  And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop?  How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful.  I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel.  Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.

Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations. [/quote]

I haven't been in this position, but I know a lot of women who have been, at various ages with various family situations and financial needs.

Things that help:

- your husband being remorseful, patient, transparent, etc. If he is pressuring you to move on/forgive/whatever, that's not helpful. You said he's done a lot of work, which is great. When these women flirt with him in public, how does he respond to them? How does he respond to you? A remorseful partner who is choosing you will prioritize YOUR feelings about that interaction and provide whatever kind of assurance you need to feel more secure in the moment, whether that's immediately leaving, explicitly telling the woman in question that her attention is disrespecting his wife, etc. 
- the specifics of the infidelity. Different infidelity requires different atonement. A longterm affair with one person is a lot harder to get over (in my observation) than a series of one night stands while he was traveling a lot. In my admittedly observer opinion, the former is a lot harder to recover from than the latter. The ONS-on-business-travel require atonement like he doesn't get to travel for work like that anymore or there are more guardrails on it. The longterm affair with emotional entanglement and a lot of lies is probably not something you are ever going to "recover" from, nor should you.
- time. Time is really the big one. As some have said, it takes years to get over it, whatever that ends up meaning for you. Think about it like grief - you can't heal the wound and bring the person back from the dead, but as the death and that person's presence in your life becomes more like the past, it is less present. The intrusive thoughts become less frequent, which is not to say that they won't be destabilizing when they come, but it won't be every day the way it probably was in the beginning. How long has it been?

One thing that I have also heard is helpful that you have is no external pressure to stay married to him if you don't want to. You don't need his money. Your kids are grown. If you really don't want to stay, not having external pressure allows you to make that decision for your own needs, not someone else's.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's okay if you never "get over it." [/quote]

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