Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

What does “getting over it” actually mean? Forgetting it happened, presenting it didn’t happen, pushing through?

*pretending

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.


Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

What does “getting over it” actually mean? Forgetting it happened, presenting it didn’t happen, pushing through?

Op, it would be much more ordinary for the affair to have hurt you so much that there was no way you wouldn't divorce him. You are expecting the -near- impossible from yourself.
Stop the therapy and get a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

If your financially secure why work?
There is no career 2.0 at 50 when you have never worked .. you could get a job and make some money, but why if you’re financially set?

So your kids know about the affair and you can have your feelings around them, really?

You really skipped most of the post except this imaginary career. So you do fear he will do it again, you feel like a fool, it feels like you were thrown under the bus, you can’t picture yourself at your kids wedding with his new younger wife.

Those are the problems more so than the “affair”.

Trust your gut. The first time it happened I knew it was over, but didn’t have the courage to leave. The second time we tried counseling and seemed to be making progress. The third time was the final straw and now we are getting divorced. I don’t regret trying (we have a small child), but if I am honest with myself I knew all along how this would end and wish I had saved a few years and dealt with it sooner.

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to get to the other side. I’ve really tried, done a ton of work, as has he, and many times I feel happy and even that we are in a much better place than before the affair.

However, the nagging doubts that he will be faithful long term. The anger at being cast aside, the grief that I’ll never be able to say I had a faithful husband/marriage, the worry that the aging process will inevitably mean he wants someone younger, etc. I do not really know how to move through all of that. And when will the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts, and comparing stop? How to handle women openly being flirtatious toward him even if I’m there? (This one floors me- and it’s definitely not my imagination) FWIW we are in our 50s and kids in college. My husband is very attractive, fit, and successful. I had a good career then stayed at home with the kids and supported his very intense career with a lot of work travel. Just to flesh out the dynamic a bit.

Yes, I’m in therapy.

Advice welcome from others who’ve been in similar situations.

I haven't been in this position, but I know a lot of women who have been, at various ages with various family situations and financial needs.

Things that help:

- your husband being remorseful, patient, transparent, etc. If he is pressuring you to move on/forgive/whatever, that's not helpful. You said he's done a lot of work, which is great. When these women flirt with him in public, how does he respond to them? How does he respond to you? A remorseful partner who is choosing you will prioritize YOUR feelings about that interaction and provide whatever kind of assurance you need to feel more secure in the moment, whether that's immediately leaving, explicitly telling the woman in question that her attention is disrespecting his wife, etc.
- the specifics of the infidelity. Different infidelity requires different atonement. A longterm affair with one person is a lot harder to get over (in my observation) than a series of one night stands while he was traveling a lot. In my admittedly observer opinion, the former is a lot harder to recover from than the latter. The ONS-on-business-travel require atonement like he doesn't get to travel for work like that anymore or there are more guardrails on it. The longterm affair with emotional entanglement and a lot of lies is probably not something you are ever going to "recover" from, nor should you.
- time. Time is really the big one. As some have said, it takes years to get over it, whatever that ends up meaning for you. Think about it like grief - you can't heal the wound and bring the person back from the dead, but as the death and that person's presence in your life becomes more like the past, it is less present. The intrusive thoughts become less frequent, which is not to say that they won't be destabilizing when they come, but it won't be every day the way it probably was in the beginning. How long has it been?

One thing that I have also heard is helpful that you have is no external pressure to stay married to him if you don't want to. You don't need his money. Your kids are grown. If you really don't want to stay, not having external pressure allows you to make that decision for your own needs, not someone else's.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's okay if you never "get over it."

What helped me: take forgiveness off the table. It's above your paygrade. I let God take care of it.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been in this position so my thoughts are just musing but....you wont ever "forget" what happened and your marriage will never be the same. Some people come out better on the other side and some can't get there. Only you will know what's right for you and I suspect it will take time and there wont necessarily be consistency in your feelings, but perhaps there will be a day, one day, where you wake up and you either have come to a peaceful acceptance that is not tinged with sadness or you know intuitively that its time to move on.

Probably the question you are trying to answer for yourself is can you let it go enough to love and be loved by him again. And deep down do you trust him--not just not to have another affair, but to be there for you when you need him. The next 2 decades are the ones where issues like illness, retirement, kids launching and moving, death of parents, etc, happen and having a partner can really help get you through these transitions--but only if the partnership is strong.

Thank you very thoughtful input

Don't care. I will do what I need to do now. I'm putting my needs 1st from now on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife cheated on me. One year past D day. For me having a revenge fling with a much younger woman has helped me recover to some degree.

Maybe I’ll forgive down the road, maybe not.

Does your wife know about the revenge fling? How very immature of you. Tit for tat right?

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

I’m in a position to leave. No financial strings at all on my end, I’m fortunate to have truly amazing friends, I’m confident in my ability to pursue career 2.0 of desired/needed. I’m generally a secure person. I have a great relationship with my kids and they are out of the house. I have loving and supportive family

Anonymous wrote:Eh you may just have too much time on your hands. Infidelity is somewhat common. Not saying it’s okay, but it’s not like you’re the first victim.

I’d accept your spouse is human and that maybe it was just sex. Of course depends on the extent of the affair.

This is the lamest statement ever. Being human is not an excuse for cheating. It’s irrelevant whether infidelity is common or if OP was the first victim. Her DH’s cheating forever has a negative impact on her life, not having “too much time” on her hands. Disgusting.

I haven't been in this position so my thoughts are just musing but....you wont ever "forget" what happened and your marriage will never be the same. Some people come out better on the other side and some can't get there. Only you will know what's right for you and I suspect it will take time and there wont necessarily be consistency in your feelings, but perhaps there will be a day, one day, where you wake up and you either have come to a peaceful acceptance that is not tinged with sadness or you know intuitively that its time to move on.

Probably the question you are trying to answer for yourself is can you let it go enough to love and be loved by him again. And deep down do you trust him--not just not to have another affair, but to be there for you when you need him. The next 2 decades are the ones where issues like illness, retirement, kids launching and moving, death of parents, etc, happen and having a partner can really help get you through these transitions--but only if the partnership is strong.

"Getting over it" is a loaded term.

But something has to happen. "Moving on", "rebuilding your life", "getting through it", whatever you want to call it.

The best fictional depiction I've seen regarding marriage after cheating was in the TV show Atypical.

Your marriage is at best suspended, if it's not over.
Your marriage, if you choose to keep it, and your spouse chooses to try to heal it, will rot unless your spouse understands what they did wrong and does real, long term work to rebuild trust.
This is an emotional version being hit by a car. It's not fixed by just apologizing or ignoring it. And divorce is it's own difficult journey back to a stable life.

Be good to yourself, OP. You were hit hard, but you'll get through it in time.

I wonder how much you are unable to forgive the actual act of the affair vs


1. Being stuck in a marriage you can’t leave
2. Giving up a career trusting that you would not be screwed financially in the end
3 The fear he will do it again.
4. The feeling of being a fool
5. The knowing that someday you will be “broke” and you will be forced to grin and bear It at your kids weddings.
6. The feeling of being pushed in front of a bus.
7. The ridiculous need to be “strong” so your kids never have to see him in the real light?


The only way to forgive is to be in a position to leave if you want or stay because you want knowing you could leave and be as happy or happier than staying.

Anonymous wrote:Eh you may just have too much time on your hands. Infidelity is somewhat common. Not saying it’s okay, but it’s not like you’re the first victim.

I’d accept your spouse is human and that maybe it was just sex. Of course depends on the extent of the affair.

Being human is not an excuse to have an affair.