Reply to Spouse criminal or civil liability for Alzheimer's patient

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[quote=Anonymous]Oh OP, I'm so sorry, and you (and your sister) are just in a terrible position given your mother's adamance.

I agree w/ a pp that it will likely take some sort of crisis to get this to a point where you can actually accomplish change. With any luck that crisis will be something relatively low level, like a fall that sends him to an ER for a sprain or something. Then it is possible that you can intervene in a way that prevents discharge back to the home until better supports (or a different placement) is arranged.

I would line up some evidence and support so you're ready for that moment. 
- You and your sister should (if you haven't already) write up a list of every dangerous incident you're aware of. Dates, basic details, safety concerns. 
- Be sure that list also details any/all prior hospitalizations, diagnoses, and treatment approaches. You will want all of this evidence on hand and organized to make your case w/ key people in the future.
- Schedule a call w/ your father's gerontologist for you and your sister. Explain your concerns, make clear that he is currently unsafe in the home and your mother is unable to ensure safety for either of them. Explain that given her refusal to allow care your hands are tied until there is a crisis, but then if/when he is hospitalized again you will be stepping in as fully as possible to see that he is not discharged until adequate arrangements to ensure safety have been put in place. Ask for his support and partnership with you in that effort.
- Schedule a call w/ your mother and their wealth advisor. Don't tell her it's about your concerns about your father's care, just that you want to make sure you're prepared to help/pay bills/etc... if she for any reason gets sick or is temporarily unable to do all of that. If she won't cooperate with that then call them directly and have a meeting. They won't share financial details (if professional) but will understand if you're telling them your concerns and you want to be sure they have your contact information should it ever be required, that you have met them so when the day comes that you need to call they will know who you are, etc...
- Have similar meeting/introduction conversations w/ any other physicians and attorneys who will be key to obtaining/supporting care for your parents.
- If you can get your mother to cooperate on financial matters, ensure you or your sister has signing authority on a bank account so you can pay bills etc... (again - convey this is just about supporting your mom and ensuring you can step in if she's under the weather for a few weeks...)

Basically just get on record with everyone you can, and in doing that convey that your father has Alzheimer's that is progressing significantly, and it's quite a burden on your mom so you just want to make sure they know how to reach you, you know how to contact them, etc... Good professionals will understand what you are doing and will try to help, or at least let you know the parameters of what you can use them for or not (or what your mother has to authorize for them to talk with you.)

You could consider speaking with a Geriatric Care Manager (https://www.aginglifecare.org/) in your area - they are wonderful resources for knowledge on care options at all levels, and also are great at talkiing with people who are experiencing the nightmares of aging.

When the crisis comes and your father ends up in a hospital again, that's when you and your sister can potentially have some leverage beyong your mother. Hospitals cannot release a patient into an unsafe environment. So you want to be there in person, be sure you speak to the discharge manager and hospital social worker (or equivalent role) and keep stating that your mother is unable to ensure safety for your father and that the home is unsafe. This is when your list of prior incidents is critical. They will have dealt with these dynamics before so will understand the challenges of a resistant spouse. They may also be eager to facilitate discharge, so be prepared for potential pressure around whether you or others can ensure safety. Just keep reiterating, and proving, that the home is unsafe and go from there.

It's a deeply awful thing to wait, and almost hope for, a crisis - but that may be where you are. But in the meantime you can at least be preparing for that so you have a plan.

Good luck!![/quote]

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