Reply to How to be married to an extreme avoidant?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP,

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation. I dealt with a trainwreck of an avoidant for a few years and am sorry to say that unless he really engages with therapy, he will not change.

If you didn't have kids with this person, what you should do would be a no brainer (as Dan Savage would say, DTMFA), but since you do, maybe the following will help:

1. Make a list of the pros and cons of divorcing by the end of this or next calendar year. You've said that your spouse wouldn't likely exercise his custody rights, but how much does he interact with the kids now? if you divorced, would he be likely to support them financially to the extent that he does now or pay minimum child support? Would he be more likely to pay college costs if you and he are married than if you're not? To what extent could you now create an independent life focused upon your kids, friends and other family while still married?

2. If the answers to the questions above suggest that divorce isn't tenable until your children are grown and self-supporting, buy yourself paper calendars so you can physically cross out and countdown the days until your youngest child A) goes to and B) graduates from college so you'll have a finite sense of how long it will be until you can A) have a separate life from your spouse even if you're still in the same household and B) divorce if you ultimately decide that you want to be free to seek a spouse who will be more of an equal partner. 
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