Reply to My ex gave my allergic kid unsafe candy

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The kid is scared.  I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant.  She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe.  If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home.  She isn’t the one shopping or cooking.  She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns.  So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

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I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help? [/quote]

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that.  We have 50/50.  I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this.  My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties.  From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.[/quote]

Mom not talking to you is an issue - is that something that can be solved, and who is the 3rd party? A family member or an objective outsider?

You need to get to a space where you can work together as a team - for your child. It’s hard. I’ve struggled with it mightily with my ex (who actually tells our child that I am  a bad parent in colorful language), but it’s required. You need to figure that out. If you have a parenting coordinator, or can find one, who can help you get on the same page about a few things (allergies would be at the top of my list), then pursue that. A family therapist might also be able to help.

Be careful how you handle this though because she’s not likely to forget it if you make a mistake in the future. [/quote]

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