Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

What do you mean by unsafe candy? Was it a peanut M&M and she's allergic to peanuts or is it some candy that may have been made in a facility that may have nuts?

It was little wrapped chocolates that had filling that she is allergic to. But the individual chocolates weren’t labeled, just the bag that had been thrown away.

But not like peanut m and ms that look different.

I spotted it because I had seen the same candies in the store and checked the ingredients because they were cute so when my youngest texted me

“look at my candy” it clicked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Mom not talking to you is an issue - is that something that can be solved, and who is the 3rd party? A family member or an objective outsider?

You need to get to a space where you can work together as a team - for your child. It’s hard. I’ve struggled with it mightily with my ex (who actually tells our child that I am a bad parent in colorful language), but it’s required. You need to figure that out. If you have a parenting coordinator, or can find one, who can help you get on the same page about a few things (allergies would be at the top of my list), then pursue that. A family therapist might also be able to help.

Be careful how you handle this though because she’s not likely to forget it if you make a mistake in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Is the allergen something like nuts that would typically be visible in meals? Or something like soy or egg that is not?

I think if it is something visible then DD will likely be ok with meals. If not, then as much as it sucks, pre-packaged food or things she can make like eggs may be the way to go.

Keep documenting everything but courts are not likely to do much re: stuff like this ime.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

What do you mean by unsafe candy? Was it a peanut M&M and she's allergic to peanuts or is it some candy that may have been made in a facility that may have nuts?

Anonymous wrote:I posted above, but I would also add.. please run out today and buy some safe replacement candy for your kid! She deserves it! My child has always given away candy too and I keep safe candy for him to have. I am sure that you trusted your ex to have some, but since they did not, please buy some for your kid!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.