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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me.

I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.

Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.

But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships.

Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.

I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is.  I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers.
[/quote]

No kids?[/quote]

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