Anonymous
02/18/2024 07:54
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:OP, could you please give us some examples of your mother's behavior? It is hard to imagine what prompted such a trauma.
How are your children dealing with grandma?
Um no-I’m not going to give you examples of how my mother abused me. Are you kidding?
My kids don’t “deal with grandma”. I won’t let an abuser around my kids. I haven’t seen or talked to that woman in probably 15 years now. She has never met my children.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 07:44
Subject: Re:Mourning all the wasted years.
OP, therapy should be helping you to integrate your experiences.
You have projected your DH into the role of your mother and are continuing the same victim/thought patterns. He likely feels entirely different than you surmise. After so many years together he likely loves and is worried for you and what sounds very much like a midlife crisis. Find a new therapist, start fresh, say you want to avoid a midlife crisis and go from there.
I hope this is a troll post.
You may well end up hurting your own children tremendously, the family pattern is repeating. You are not "evolving" into a well adjusted midlife adult, but sound like a teen yourself. With a burn it all down mentality. The "new friends" don't sound like any stable happily married adults I know. Talking about "fun random sex" is not emotionally connecting, I suspect these relationships are somewhat shallow with somewhat unhealthy people. A younger you avoided such people and built a healthy life. Ironic now you may blow it iall up.
Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.
You have projected your DH into the role of your mother and are continuing the same victim/thought patterns. He likely feels entirely different than you surmise. After so many years together he likely loves and is worried for you and what sounds very much like a midlife crisis. Find a new therapist, start fresh, say you want to avoid a midlife crisis and go from there.
I hope this is a troll post.
You may well end up hurting your own children tremendously, the family pattern is repeating. You are not "evolving" into a well adjusted midlife adult, but sound like a teen yourself. With a burn it all down mentality. The "new friends" don't sound like any stable happily married adults I know. Talking about "fun random sex" is not emotionally connecting, I suspect these relationships are somewhat shallow with somewhat unhealthy people. A younger you avoided such people and built a healthy life. Ironic now you may blow it iall up.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 07:43
Subject: Re:Mourning all the wasted years.
I’m proud of you for the work you’ve done so far.
The good news is you can change this view for yourself.
In Positive Intelligence, the book, they identify saboteurs. One is the victim. Your victim saboteur seems very strong. In my case, my hypervigilant saboteur was strongest and caused me misery.
I had a similar upbringing. Mentally ill mother. I married at 25.
You can change this with therapy or you can go through the Positive Intelligence program (free) or book to unravel and weaken the victim saboteur.
Once you weaken this saboteur, you’ll feel a lot better.
This program helped me and was a good complement to therapy.
Signed, One who has spent too much time regretting their crappy family of origin and even being angry and depressed about it
This is the saboteur assessment if you want to see which saboteur is causing your misery.
https://assessment.positiveintelligence.com/saboteur/overview
The good news is you can change this view for yourself.
In Positive Intelligence, the book, they identify saboteurs. One is the victim. Your victim saboteur seems very strong. In my case, my hypervigilant saboteur was strongest and caused me misery.
I had a similar upbringing. Mentally ill mother. I married at 25.
You can change this with therapy or you can go through the Positive Intelligence program (free) or book to unravel and weaken the victim saboteur.
Once you weaken this saboteur, you’ll feel a lot better.
This program helped me and was a good complement to therapy.
Signed, One who has spent too much time regretting their crappy family of origin and even being angry and depressed about it
This is the saboteur assessment if you want to see which saboteur is causing your misery.
https://assessment.positiveintelligence.com/saboteur/overview
Anonymous
02/18/2024 07:37
Subject: Re:Mourning all the wasted years.
You mention being sad about what you’ve missed out on - my advice would be to not look back in five years and feel the same way about today. You deserve to make the most of what you have now.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 07:32
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Those years were not wasted if they were spent raising your children and providing a stable home life for them while you and your husband attempted to navigate your relationship. Even if you end up splitting it's important to give the marriage every possible shot at success.
Agree
Fascinating how little they or their lives, schooling, activities have been brought up. They may even be in college if Op is truly married early 20s and now early 40s.
If so, I wonder if OP is jealous?
OP, in all kindness, you sound unstable, was your mom bipolar? You are likely having a midlife crisis.
What would truly be sad is not your lack of "fun random sex" but if you destroy your family and all you have built and harm your own children greatly in the process. You write about your social life with people who value a lot of casual sex, not how your therapy has enabled you to be more emotionally available and connected to your loved ones, in a way your own mother was not able to be. You may want to watch the company you keep, OP. You seem to be gunning to lose it all. You don't seem to have any insight into how the past is still controlling you and your reactivity. It may also be that as hormones shift in perimenopause your genetic vulnerability to the mental illness of your mother is surfacing more clearly.
You think this is the fun, hyper social wants to have random sex better you, but you sound a bit manic and very self absorbed, OP. I'm worried for you and I'm sure your husband and kids are too. You have more than just a trauma history, OP, but a genetic and behavioral one.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 07:21
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Do you still have children living at home, OP?
I also have CPTSD, many people do, unfortunately. Giving my kids a stable home and family unit has been the thing I am most proud of as an adult.
You sound like you are having a midlife crisis, OP and you DH sounds scared. How have your kids reacted to all of the changes? Do you have fomo about the lives they have had?
Are there ways you may be repeating patterns from the past with yourself now in a different "power" role? That is extremely common.
I also have CPTSD, many people do, unfortunately. Giving my kids a stable home and family unit has been the thing I am most proud of as an adult.
You sound like you are having a midlife crisis, OP and you DH sounds scared. How have your kids reacted to all of the changes? Do you have fomo about the lives they have had?
Are there ways you may be repeating patterns from the past with yourself now in a different "power" role? That is extremely common.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 06:57
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:
Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me.
I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.
Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.
But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships.
Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.
I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers.
You are on a slippery slope here, OP. Having dealt with a spouse that went through a mid life crisis, blew her family up, and had a mental breakdown, this all sounds too familiar. You may not talk about how you're "mourning all the missed years" to your DH, but I can guarantee he feels your dissatisfaction. How do you think that makes him feel. Insecure, maybe? His comments are likely a result.
Therapy can be a double edged sword. As a PP pointed out, your therapist is only getting one very colored side of the story. Let's just say you did get to have all those experiences, and let's say that as a result you never "found" anyone, didn't get married, never had kids, etc. Would that have been better for you? I don't mean to be harsh, but snap out of it, OP. Appreciate what you have now, the past is the past, ruminating over what could have been, and how your life is half over is a fast ticket to a mid-life crisis. You're life isn't half empty, it's half full. Change your brain. Your DH is not the issue.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:29
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:Those years were not wasted if they were spent raising your children and providing a stable home life for them while you and your husband attempted to navigate your relationship. Even if you end up splitting it's important to give the marriage every possible shot at success.
Agree
Fascinating how little they or their lives, schooling, activities have been brought up. They may even be in college if Op is truly married early 20s and now early 40s.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:28
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
I agree with PPs that you are romanticizing the “what ifs” but just as we don’t have a crystal ball to predict our future, there’s no way to know what would’ve happened on that “road not traveled.” There js no perfect path; it’s likely you would’ve experienced other real struggles, pain, loneliness, uncertainty, insecurity, rejection, all of the stuff that people desl with in adolescence and early adulthood. Perhaps you wouldn’t have married or had children, and at the very least it’s likely you would’ve experienced at least some of the myriad challenges we routinely read about here that don’t necessarily reflect a history of trauma. Life is hard for a lot of people, and relationships are complex under the best of circumstances.
It sounds like your marriage was stable and enduring and you have created a family life that is very different from what you experienced growing up, against all odds. That’s no small thing. It also sounds like you have built a career, and have financial stability. I hear a lot of good in your life.
I do not really know how one can distinguish “dependent love” from “true love.” We all have reasons for choosing our partners, conscious and unconscious, based on our own personal histories. I know you are deep in the trenches of therapy but what you describe is very similar to the mid-life crisis that PPs have alluded to; you are not immune, and while it’s certainly impacted by the path you took to survive and escape terrible trauma, it’s also somewhat common and universal at this stage of life.
I don’t mean to undermine your hard-won insights and experience in therapy. Nor do I mean to shrug off the impact of your husband’s hurtful behavior. But none of us our perfect; he’s human and vulnerable too and he may be scared of losing you and the safe status quo that he has his own reasons to cling to.
Hopefully in time and with the continuation of therapy you’ll be able to see that you “were a person” all along and you will shift to a mindset that’s reflective and galvanizing but does not have you wanting to scream with frustration or longing. Again, your “road not traveled” is a bit of a fantasy.
It sounds like your marriage was stable and enduring and you have created a family life that is very different from what you experienced growing up, against all odds. That’s no small thing. It also sounds like you have built a career, and have financial stability. I hear a lot of good in your life.
I do not really know how one can distinguish “dependent love” from “true love.” We all have reasons for choosing our partners, conscious and unconscious, based on our own personal histories. I know you are deep in the trenches of therapy but what you describe is very similar to the mid-life crisis that PPs have alluded to; you are not immune, and while it’s certainly impacted by the path you took to survive and escape terrible trauma, it’s also somewhat common and universal at this stage of life.
I don’t mean to undermine your hard-won insights and experience in therapy. Nor do I mean to shrug off the impact of your husband’s hurtful behavior. But none of us our perfect; he’s human and vulnerable too and he may be scared of losing you and the safe status quo that he has his own reasons to cling to.
Hopefully in time and with the continuation of therapy you’ll be able to see that you “were a person” all along and you will shift to a mindset that’s reflective and galvanizing but does not have you wanting to scream with frustration or longing. Again, your “road not traveled” is a bit of a fantasy.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:28
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.
My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work.
Did you read your own post? LOL
Yes. Did you read it?
Fiesty look OP. Interesting, reminds us of a Troll we know here.
+1. It’s our relationship troll.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:26
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ok wow. OP here. First off, I’m not really sure why the take is that I want to go crazy and sleep with a bunch of people? I mourn it yes-but at this stage in my life it’s mourning-not yearning. I simply don’t have the personality for that (but no judgment). And yeah-there is definitely no boyfriend? So no idea what that comment is about.
My husband thinks therapy is worthless so no-he is not open to it as I’ve tried to talk to him about it several times. Although he always says he is happy that it is helping me-he is not interested in being part of it. And obviously he is not happy it’s helping me since he keeps trying to cut me back down. And yes I’m still in therapy. My therapist really tries to stay neutral on the marriage front but does agree his comments are purposeful and intended to undo some work.
Did you read your own post? LOL
Yes. Did you read it?
Fiesty look OP. Interesting, reminds us of a Troll we know here.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:24
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:
Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me.
I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.
Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.
But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships.
Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.
I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers.
Unclear why you wrote “more than that” (spouses rude comments) is you mourning having fun in teens and 20s. That makes it sounds like that is your current #1 issue and priority.
That’s silly.
It should be your current family and husband/marriage. Find a way to make it work with the New You.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:20
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you think you're a good mother, OP?
Yes. I have worked really hard to be the best mother I can. My kids seem happy and well adjusted. Although, I’m not sure why you asked this question? It kind of seems that you were trying to be hurtful in some way since it’s completely out of context. But regardless, I guess I should be used to that with this site.
Huh?
NP. What kind of mother is a topic I assume you’ve gone over extensively in therapy per the above/your mother was ill and controlling.
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:17
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:
Complicated, but basically I grew up with a devastating amount of childhood trauma from my very mentally Ill mother. It basically shattered my self esteem, gave me serious anxiety and made me hate myself. I spent my entire older teenage/early twenties life simply trying to survive until I could get out from under her control completely. She was manipulative and basically gave me coping mechanisms that although helped me survive my trauma-have ruined many things for me.
I had relationships but my low self esteem/terrible insecurity basically messed up any chance of normal relationships. I met my husband when I was 22 and he felt like a way out. Although I had picked a career path that was lucrative (very on purpose to make sure I could always take care/support myself)-he was on an even more impressive path. We started life together very quickly after graduating professional school and got married and started having kids very young. I love him deeply but as time has gone on I realize that it is/was a dependent love and not true love.
Over the last 5 years or so (I’m in my early 40s) I’ve done intense therapy and really started working on myself. And now I feel so different. I feel like a different person. I finally have confidence and actually like myself and have made awesome friends and generally just feel like an actual person finally. My husband, instead of being happy for me, cuts me down and makes comments to try and keep me the way I was. Basically it has become clear to me that he just wants me to feel like I will never be good enough.
But more than that I’m so sad that half my life is over and I feel like I didn’t live at all. I didn’t have “fun teenage years” or “fun college years”. I spent those years so terrified of being under my mothers control that I was 100% focused on making good grades and getting out. I mourn the life I should have had. The experiences I should have had. I should have had more relationship experience where I wasn’t so messed up that I could learn what I wanted from those kind of relationships.
Sometimes when friends talk about all the fun/experiences/random fun sex they had I just want to cry. Because I should have had that. And now I never will. That window of life is over for me and it makes me want to scream.
I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I don't even know what my question is. I guess I just needed to tell this to a bunch of strangers.
No kids?
Anonymous
02/18/2024 04:16
Subject: Mourning all the wasted years.
Anonymous wrote:Why not try and do fun stuff with your husband and kids? Travel and explore.
You sound like a success job wise and college wise.
Just keep moving FW. Glad you understand your childhood. Though I hardly believe a parent who made you study hard is mental disordered. Was dad out of the picture?
Do you really think of high school as only supposed to be “fun”? It’s not without social or academic stress, OP.
Now your spouse needs to move FW too with your relationship and children (??), etc. Tell him your goals - travel, fun, friends, house/kids/him- and all move FW.