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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around. [/quote]

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...

the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.[/quote]

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with :) I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out[/quote]

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't. 
[/quote]

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with. [/quote]

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.[/quote]

You're not going to listen to me, but if you have a therapist, read your post to them. If you don't have a therapist get one.

Your post is like a text book "control freak" convincing herself that SHE didn't create the dynamic when it IS YOU, YOU, YOU CREATED THIS.

You can't see it, you can't admit it, you can't do anything but CONTROL  the narrative.

But I'm going to tell you, you are wrong. You are the problem. You are creating a bad home to live in.

Get help. [/quote]

Not everything is a matter of therapy. And yes I do have a therapist, which makes me wholly qualified to tell you to eff off.
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