Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.

I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.

Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.

When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.

I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us

-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.

-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.

This is weaponized incompetence. You can’t ask him to do this stuff.

I don’t know if you should get divorced or what but stop banging your head against this rock. He’s just not going to step up. He’s going to sit on the couch and watch videos on his phone.

Get with that reality and you can at least start to relax into it. If you come to the other side and decide to split up, it will be more peaceful than if you keep trying to assign him things knowing he’ll f$& up on purpose. He’s a man baby. It is what it is. You’re not going to change him. You have to live the life you have and accept that you might be happier split up. Maybe not! But stop doing what you’re doing now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

It’s DH’s sibling’s child and we’ve had him since he was 2, so he’s very much part of our family now, and I’m not sure if reunification will ever be possible. I don’t think that’s the heart of the issue.

I do actually like my DH in general. I think he’s cute and he’s brilliant and we do have a lot of similar interests and I enjoy talking with him. He’s interesting and does well one on one.

Kids club isn’t possible for 2/3 of our kids. We’ve tried. We stayed at an all inclusive last year and they got kicked out of the kids club because they have behavioral issues and special needs. They can’t even be in daycare.

When I talk about going out and doing activities I literally mean, taking a walk into town, going to the pool, etc. Even galvanizing DH and my father to do these things is a huge undertaking.

I do give very specific instructions to DH but the instructions can never be specific enough. Examples:
-asked him to do laundry. He threw a bunch of stuff in there with sand and now the washer isn’t working and I’m worried the rental is going to pin it on us

-asked him to pack some snacky things for us in the bag since I was stuck watching the kids. We had fruit, crackers, granola bars. He instead took half a loaf of bread and threw it loose into the bag with a jar of peanut butter. No knife. Bread wasn’t in any kind of bag.

-asked him to run to the grocery store. He got maybe half the items on the list. So for example, he got cereal but no milk. He got Mac and cheese but no butter or milk. I had to go back. He said he couldn’t find the stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

You're not going to listen to me, but if you have a therapist, read your post to them. If you don't have a therapist get one.

Your post is like a text book "control freak" convincing herself that SHE didn't create the dynamic when it IS YOU, YOU, YOU CREATED THIS.

You can't see it, you can't admit it, you can't do anything but CONTROL the narrative.

But I'm going to tell you, you are wrong. You are the problem. You are creating a bad home to live in.

Get help.

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him to the doctor. He sounds low T and also needs ADHD meds. See if those make a difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

You're not going to listen to me, but if you have a therapist, read your post to them. If you don't have a therapist get one.

Your post is like a text book "control freak" convincing herself that SHE didn't create the dynamic when it IS YOU, YOU, YOU CREATED THIS.

You can't see it, you can't admit it, you can't do anything but CONTROL the narrative.

But I'm going to tell you, you are wrong. You are the problem. You are creating a bad home to live in.

Get help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Sometimes it can be a matter of not good enough, and often it's a case of you get so sick of the other person not stepping up that you take it all on yourself - and then yes, you want the bed made the way you want the bed made.

My spouse and I actually divide up many responsibilities. He does all the dishes and most of the cooking. And even though he doesn't do either exactly the way I want, I now trust that he is going to get it done well enough - and I don't micromanage. But you have to actually trust your spouse is going to get the thing done reasonably well, without supervision, without nagging or micromanaging, to be able to let go. That takes the spouse not just being a lazy helpless child who actually DOES things.

If the spouse said: OP, your dad and I are going to handle today. We talked to the kids and we think everyone wants a relaxing day at home. You go out and enjoy yourself, and we will take care of things here. If the kids get bored we'll take them out, if they make a mess we'll clean it up, do not worry. I'll bet OP would feel a lot better about the situation - instead of feeling like her dad and husband just can't be bothered to think about a day with three kids instead of having considered options and landing on this one. Freeing OP up instead of what she feels now.

Yeah it's no fun being micromanaged or being with someone who is controlling. But consider how that dynamic arises.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate with this so much. After many years of planning and doing all the legwork for our vacations, at a certain point, I just stopped. I was done. It wasn't just that I was doing all the things, it was also that there was a lot of complaining involved and after a while, I questioned why I spent the time, effort and money.

Then, without urging, at some point DH stepped up and started planning them. And those were the best vacations because I didn't have to plan a thing! But then those vacations usually involved DH blowing up like you did after decision fatigue and said he couldn't keep making all the decisions anymore.

Generally now, I'm perfectly happy not vacationing. I realize that our family is not really made for that kind of thing. Our kids can be a pain when they are traveling. We just need simpler things. They are as happy in our backyard or at home as they are on some extravagant vacation trip. I can also accept that DH and I will one day vacation again when the kids are away at college.

I should add that I have ADHD and DH has high functioning ASD. So really, planning vacations is not either of our fortes, and is stressful for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:Stop vacationing in places that need so much planning.

women do things they want and their H's don't really care about and then get all on their soap box that they do everything.

Find a nice family trip that does not need that much planning. Just have breakfast food at home and order in or eat out.

Stop planning tours, this is not a middle school field trip.

You did laundry on vacation.. you are crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.

Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.

Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out

Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.

Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.

Anonymous wrote:I relate with this so much. After many years of planning and doing all the legwork for our vacations, at a certain point, I just stopped. I was done. It wasn't just that I was doing all the things, it was also that there was a lot of complaining involved and after a while, I questioned why I spent the time, effort and money.

Then, without urging, at some point DH stepped up and started planning them. And those were the best vacations because I didn't have to plan a thing! But then those vacations usually involved DH blowing up like you did after decision fatigue and said he couldn't keep making all the decisions anymore.

Generally now, I'm perfectly happy not vacationing. I realize that our family is not really made for that kind of thing. Our kids can be a pain when they are traveling. We just need simpler things. They are as happy in our backyard or at home as they are on some extravagant vacation trip. I can also accept that DH and I will one day vacation again when the kids are away at college.